When my mom comes to visit she likes to stay in a hotel. She knows that she's more than welcome to stay with us, but she's usually more "comfortable" in hotel. She's 65, extremely picky, and I know better than to argue with her. For my mom, the emphasis is on the "H." This is a woman who doesn't "do" motels. Shoot, she has never even been to Target. (Trust me, I know, but she's set in her ways and I'm not going to be the one to change her mind.) She also probably has never had to empty the loose change jar to buy groceries, all of which I have done at some point or another. I share this with you to paint a picture of what my beloved, extremely particular, Auntie Mame-esque mother is like.
Last week Tata (as she likes to be called) came to visit our new house in "Silicon Valley" and chose to stay at the Four Seasons. (The people reading this who know Tata are all going, "Well, duh!")
Now.
Let me tell you a little something about the Four Seasons, namely, where it's located. The fancy Four Seasons is located in East Palo Alto, California, which several years ago had the dubious distinction of being the murder capital of the United States. Specifically, it's located on a swath of EPA land that we used to refer to as "Whisky Gulch." Back in the day, it was a stretch of street in the shadow of of a freeway off ramp that contained liquor stores and laudromats where people did their laundry dealt drugs. It was sca-ry. In the 80's people used to say that in 10 years, EPA would be prime real estate so buy now!!!, and that its bad reputation would be no more.
Well, 10 years later it was still a shithole, and another 10 years went by. Then a few years ago, IKEA and Home Depot went in, and across the freeway in the former Whisky Gulch area, an office park sprung up. The office park is now anchored by the Four Seasons Hotel.
But, poor East Palo Alto. For most of its history, East Palo Alto was part of unincorporated San Mateo County. It didn't have an official boundary until it incorporated in 1983. However, the area historically regarded as East Palo Alto was much larger than the city's current 2.5 square miles. Large tracts were annexed by Menlo Park and Palo Alto from the late 1940s to the early 1960. Palo Alto certainly didn't want to be associated with EPA and I've even heard people who live in East Menlo Park, sorry (lowercase) east Menlo Park say that EPA gives their community "a bad name."
The now incorporated city of East Palo Alto has its own mayor, police force, etc. The new office buildings were supposed to help give the city some new-found, professional cred, but the first law firm that moved in was busted for trying to put "Palo Alto" on its letterhead. Someone forgot to add the word "East," and that is a big postal "no-no." Whoops! The hotel stationery gets around this issue only slightly. Each piece of paper is embossed with the heading: "Four Seasons Silicon Valley at East Palo Alto."
As you drive into the Four Seasons, you have no idea you are in a place where unsavory things may be happening right across the freeway (because even today crime and violence in EPA are still things to be concerned about). The hotel lobby is modern and spare. Staff is friendly and welcoming. The suites are filled with furniture and amenities that my home probably will never see (a "high" bed, two flat screens hanging on the walls, a TV in the bathroom, marble countertops, boutique-brand toiletries that I can't afford to buy so I had my mom "procure" them for me.)
But despite the fact that it's a very adult environment, they are very welcoming to kids. Look! They even have a coloring book for children (which I immediately stole so I could photograph and blog it).
May I present to you "The Four Seasons Coloring Book" subtitled: "Look At All The Ways We Avoid Saying We're Located in East Palo Alto."

Kids, we're located in "sunny California," more specifically: Silicon Valley. That's a general term used to describe the 50-mile-long area between San Jose and Menlo Park but never mind. If you get lost, don't forget to tell the police officers to take you to the "gateway of Palo Alto." They'll know exactly where that is.

Make sure you gaze up and outwards to see the mountains and the bay. If you look down you might see bums taking a piss against our back fence or someone stealing the stereo out of your parents' car.
...in other words, our bathroom here isn't much different from your bathroom at home. We want you to feel comfortable. Just try to forget that 5,689 people have bathed in our deep soaking tubs before you.
Dial up a $25 bowl of potato chips. Your parents won't care. That's what they get for leaving you alone in the room while they "relax" at the spa. Don't forget the dessert. The cheesecake goes nicely with the adult entertainment channels.
The bar is so "cool" that when your mom has too many gimlets and starts yelling at your dad for screwing his secretary, you won't even hear them. You'll be too busy eating that cheesecake, right, kids?
Palo Alto may be home to high-tech and Stanford, but East Palo Alto is home to shootings, stabbings, corruption...and the Four Seasons!
"We" are exactly one minute away from Palo Alto. See there? Right across the street from our porte-cochere? That's Palo Alto.
Kids, isn't "California" awesome!
Silicon Valley, it's time to welcome our red-headed step-child, East Palo Alto, back into our family. And why not? We all go to IKEA or to the Home Depot or to the Starbucks—we could even stop for a pomegranate cosmo at the Four Seasons bar—and we probably wouldn't even get shot!
I'll meet you there next time Tata comes to town.