Silicon Valley Moms Blog

My SlutBrella

For this year's Mother's Day gift, my husband took our eight-year old twins to Victoria's Secret to buy pajamas. Never mind that our twins are eight and the store is not exactly G-rated. I could overlook that because my husband knew I needed PJs and somehow - oh Victoria's Secret how DO you do this - my husband associates all nightwear with that store.

On Mother's Day I opened my gifts. My family did find me some cute pajamas, but they also picked up a free Victoria's Secret umbrella that my twins were oh-so-excited about. 

Eyes widened with love and affection for their mom, my twins said,  "Mommy, look, it's your favorite color, hot pink!"

The umbrella advertised "VICTORIA'S SECRET" in large letters on one of the panels. I acted enthusiastic and thankful. Gave hugs. Gave big thanks. The umbrella seemed to shout about the racy undies I would not be wearing. I hoped and prayed it would never rain again so I wouldn't have to take my new SlutBrella to the elementary school to pick up my kids. But it rained, and here's what happened*:

Alix also writes for Med Nauseam Blog, recently voted the #1 General Medicine Blog in WellSphere's 2009 competition. Lauded as "the Al Gore of nutrition, only funnier," she delivers a Vitamin Vampires nutrition presentation to parents of school-aged children. Alix writes for SpiroChicks, a blog about life with Lyme Disease.

*Please excuse the extra-tall aspect ratio problem in my video.

The Trampoline Dilemma

The first time I heard the words, “attractive nuisance,” I thought it was a joke. In my twenties, I was at a dinner party. The host's neighbor, the mother of a boy with a developmental disorder, threatened him with a lawsuit alleging his hot tub was an attractive nuisance. She thought her son could remove the cover to swim in it, and potentially drown. It seemed ludicrous since hot tubs are so common in California, and it seemed improbable that the boy could remove the heavy cover himself.

That was before I was a mom. Now I understand the concerns of the boy’s mom.

Today I have highly energetic twin eight year olds and a small yard, so I jumped at the chance to “inherit” a trampoline from a friend of mine who was getting rid of hers. My twins have Jack Russell Terrier energy. Like the energetic dogs, they seek out non-stop action from 7am to 9 or 10pm every day, yet our small yard is not a favorite place to play. 

A trampoline could overcome our lack of horizontal playspace and take advantage of the untapped vertical playspace. I thought I could put the trampoline in the dead-end alley we share with our neighbors, but I was about to encounter the realities of attractive nuisance laws.

Unhappy Meals in Santa Clara County

Some muni buses in Palo Alto now display a giant red placard with two images: an outstretched hand and a vat of Super Size french fries. The ad copy reads "Gotta Have 'Em." It evokes the old Madison Avenue saw: is McDonald's reflecting the addictive nature of its food-like substances or are they creating the addiction?

No matter. The Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors thinks it is the toys that are addictive, and its the toys that get kids to restaurants like McDonald's, and that this is the cause of diabetes, heart disease, and childhood obesity. As a nutritionist, I can say that is a long list of assumptions. 

In a vote that was no doubt the result of a grand compromise among the supervisors in Santa Clara County, toys and prizes will soon be banned from children's meals containing more than 485 calories. It gets a little weirder too. It will only apply to restaurants that are in unincorporated Santa Clara County.

Can we get an iPhone app for that? Since none of us are quite sure which parts of Santa Clara County are incorporated or unincorporated, an iPhone app would map out where parents could buy a kids meal with more than 485 calories and a toy or prize. The app would help drive business to the incorporated parts, and therefore result in more tax revenue to the county. Is that how it works?

Pick Axe Humor... Was it Funny or was it Just Me?

Remember the scene in Sling Blade when Billy Bob's character Karl sat down in the living room with the horrible hillbilly who asked, "What the hell are you doing with that lawnmower blade?" Karl replied in a dead-pan drawl, "I aim to kill you with it." At this point in the film, the entire audience was on Karl's side and we sat in our seats, thinking, Yeah, in this fantasy movie-land, that hillbilly deserves it.

For years after that movie, many - from my friends to famous TV actors - attempted to do impressions of Karl in Sling Blade. It became a sport. We all tried to mimic Karl who jawwed-out poetic Haikus like, "That boy lives in his heart. Hits an awful big place."

My mom was particularly fond of my attempts to mimic Karl's grunting request for biscuits and mustard. She and I would break down into hysterical giggles together. My mom passed away a few years after Sling Blade, and I still miss having those deep belly laughs with her.

The memory of those moments with my mom rushed back to me the other night at the most unexpected time, leaving me with a bad case of "church giggles" that lasted, well, let's just say way too long.

Live Blogging a Summer Camp Registration

Um. Yeah. I'm really live blogging a summer camp registration. I've complained before about all the time (Estimate: 40 hours) and money we devote to summer camp sign ups. Have no doubt about it, this is a time-consuming activity that involves: researching camps, scheduling them on the calendar, ensuring proximity of drop off and pick up locations for different kids, and coordinating with parents of my kids' friends. This all takes place before we have written our holiday thank you notes. Yes, a half year before our little darlings will enjoy their camps.

In calculating all that time, we can't forget this: it can take an hour to sign up for each camp.

I'm trying to get my son into Stanford All-Sports Camp. For one week. That's all. Registration opened at 10am today. I rushed home from a doctor appointment, arriving at 10:07 am. I Google the URL and get straight to the registration page. I click the giant red "REGISTER" button. In fact, the button is so enormous it suggests we parents have been pretty stupid about finding it in the past. I'm ready to get this thing done in 5 minutes and rush to my class that begins at 10:30am, but that is not my fate. The tab on the top of my browser says "Waiting Room." My wait time: 17 minutes. I've never been in a registration waiting room before. If I click away from this page, I will lose my place in line to sign up my son for a single week of summer camp.

Secretary of Agriculture Vilsack Speaks with Mom Bloggers

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is on a new health kick -- possibly the biggest in thirty years. This Fall, Congress will consider reauthorizing the Child Nutrition Act with a $1 Billion per year budget to increase the nutrient content of school lunches. A new Let's Move

campaign, fronted by the First Lady, will help provide a healthy nutrition environment at public schools and educate parents and kids about nutrition and the dangers of obesity.

In an exclusive phone call with Silicon Valley Moms Blog Group writers, USDA Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack explained that "eighty years ago, we were in subsistence farming mode, figuring out where our food would come from." Now that we have solved the food quantity problem, it is time to work on food quality and "the country needs to be engaged," said Vilsack.

In the 1980s, the USDA marketed a carb-heavy Food Pyramid during a period when grains had become cheaper than ever, leading to an abrupt change in how Americans ate. We substituted margarine and pasta for butter and burgers. Under a mistaken notion - dating back to World War II - that fat makes us fat, carbs were supposed to keep us thin. Unfortunately, this high-glycemic index diet resulted in a three-fold increase in obesity. Rates of diabetes and heart disease have shot up since the early 1980s.

"This is a different agriculture department than in the past," said the Secretary who recognizes it is time for American eating to change. With one-third of children now overweight, they are more likely to suffer serious chronic illness, making this the first generation of children who won't live as long as their parents. The USDA is renewing its efforts with children, with a goal of ending childhood obesity in a generation.

Giftedness: The Third Rail of Public Education in California

I attended elementary school in the 1970s. I remember having a school nurse. I remember riding a bus on field trips. I even remember gifted programs. Due to education budget cuts in California, these are vestiges of the past. While my friend Darin's first grade son in New Jersey is identified as gifted and has an appropriate curriculum, the gifted curriculum in California doesn't begin until middle school.

For the past two years, our son has returned from school each day completely frustrated by a system that won't let him work at his level in math. Before I had kids I would have wondered why first and second graders even need a gifted education, but now I get it. My son has a huge, infectious enthusiasm for math. He's really good at it and he's proud of it.

In my son's first and second grade years, we worked with his teacher to adjust the curriculum to his ability, but our son has remained less than challenged. During the process, I learned a euphemism for teaching to all students - differentiation.This was supposed to be the answer to our problem.

Is Motherhood All About "I'll Never...?"

Parenting must be about breaking almost all of my "I'll never" statements. I've broken all the the following: My kids will never have all-plastic toys. I'll never let my kids watch TV. I'll never use TV as a babysitter. I'll never cut the crust off my kids' sandwich bread. I'll never let my kids play inside on a sunny day.

All those "I nevers" seem pretty benign compared to a line I accidentally crossed last night:

At bedtime, my second grade daughter became mentally paralyzed with stress, admitting that when I was gone at my class earlier in the evening, she had not done her homework. All she had to do was read part of a book and write about it, but she claimed she didn't like any books we had at the house, that she had read one but didn't understand it, that she was actually hungry, and that she was too tired to do it. One excuse after another, accompanied by a grating moan and full body writhing.

Earlier in the evening, I'd stepped out to take a class and had told both my husband and the sitter to make sure my daughter wrote her two pages. It didn't happen. I'll leave my reaction out of this post, but suffice it to say that I was surprised that the small responsibility of having a child do her homework was now a big, ugly time-consuming disciplinary one. I was now stuck with it and all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep.

Dear Boy Scouts of America, Shoot!

Dear Boy Scouts of America,

My son is a seven year old Wolf Cub in California. His troop sold your popcorn to make money for your organization. I felt bad about selling such a terrible product, what with the GMO corn that is now linked to infertility and the high fructose corn syrup that is a main contributor to obesity and diabetes - avoidable conditions his troop leaders emphasized during the Food Pyramid meeting last year.

I felt bad each time my son, suited up in his blue polyester uniform with badges this non-ironing mom had safety-pinned to his sleeves, rang a neighbor's doorbell and asked them to buy popcorn. What was I doing letting my son sell this crap to people? He didn't even care about the fund-raising part of it. He just wanted to choose a prize from your vast pictorial prize sheet.

First he fixated on the temptingly pictured iPod, until I pointed out that it was sitting in a cradle with speakers and that the iPod didn't actually come with that prize. It was just a tease.

When he'd finished selling almost $600 of your over-priced popcorn - and believe me, more than one person was taken aback by the $16 price tag on the smallest Cool-Whip sized tub - a troop leader sent an email stating my son could choose a prize, one of them being a bow and arrow. This is where I began to have a huge problem with your popcorn sales.

After Menopause, It Will Be a Compliment

"When are you due?" asked the checkout woman at the grocery store.

Me, looking around to see if she meant someone else, "Um, I'm not pregnant." In fact, I haven't been pregnant since I delivered my twins seven years ago.

Assuming someone is pregnant is dicey business. Guess wrong and it is the ultimate insult. It's really a euphemism for, "You have a fat belly."

Usually to broach the topic with a stranger, three conditions must be met. 1/ The woman's belly is swollen to enormous proportions; 2/ the belly is hard and not flabby; and 3/ the belly is out of proportion to the rest of the body. Doesn't everyone know the rules?

Maybe I meet criterion #3. I'm six feet tall and thin, and unlike most of my mom friends who've delivered twins, I elected not to get the tummy tuck.

A few months later.

My very nice gardener sees me one day as I enter the house. "When's the childs due?"