Ohio Moms Blog

I'm Never Going to Stop Becoming

I was delighted this year that, even at 11 years old, my youngest son still wanted to buy a caterpillar from the conservatory in our city to house as it transformed into a butterfly.

I was even more delighted that the caterpillar survived being in the little plastic vial it came in, entered its chrysalis stage and then emerged as a gorgeous painted lady butterfly.

There's something moving and inspiring to me about watching this metamorphosis and becoming-- it never gets old.

It makes me think about human metamorphosis and becoming.

I remember when I was a little girl and, with my friends, dreamed with my about what I would become when I grew up. For me, there were many aspirations-- singer, actor, politician, political activist, academic...

And then I grew up and I also became a mom.

3 Words a Mom NEVER Wants to Hear

I've heard an awful declaration from each of my sons (11 and 15 years old) at various times. I hope and pray that I'll never hear words like these again...but I probably will.

"I hate myself."

I know, these aren't the absolute worst things that could come to a mom's ears, but they are so painful for me to hear and understand the meaning behind.

When my kids utter such self-deprecating statements as, “I'm stupid,” “I'm so lazy” or even “I'm fat,” a part of me just crumples up.

It's as if a knife, all edgy and dull cut a “six-inch valley through the middle of my soul,” to quote Bruce Springsteen.

Shame On Me

I am big fan of the part-musical, part-soap opera television series “Glee.” It takes me back to my days in high school show choir (only we never did musical numbers like these!).

One storyline in last week's episode centered on the attempts to lose weight and be popular of a full figured African-American young woman who is a main character on the show. She was recruited to be on the cheerleading squad and then pressured to lose a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time.

After eating little or nothing for days and finally passing out, the young woman decides that enough is enough. In glorious “Glee”- style, she sings a moving version of the song “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera in front of the whole school.

It was a feel good moment as this character sang and declared her beauty-- even though she isn't the body size she was told she “had” to be.

Then, Fox network cut to an ad break and showed a Victoria's Secret ad. The irony was not lost on me.

There is undeniable shame rampant in our culture. It takes many forms...one of which centers on norms for how a woman's body should and shouldn't look.

“It won't get done without me!” And Other Mom-isms From Which I Am Emerging

I have a tendency to fall into that consummate mom dilemma.

It seems to me that if I'm not directing, guiding or literally doing chores  around the house or other specific areas of life, they won't get done adequately...or at all.

Yes, I'll admit it, a part of me feels hyper-responsible for the goings on of my home and even for my kids.

On the other hand, I have additional interests than my house and kids-- I don't literally want to be in charge of it all.

Whether it's vacuuming the carpets, folding clothes, cleaning the rabbit's pen or preparing food, there's a part of me who believes that it's all up to me. The onus appears to be on me to make sure that our home looks good and runs smoothly, that all people and pets are well cared for and behave appropriately.

In my current day to day living, I am not quite as controlling as this (or as I used to be).

But she's still in there.

It's Whether You Get Up

“Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up,” sings Tracy Bonham. To me, there are no truer words than in these song lyrics.

Take yesterday at my house, for instance.

An onslaught of ants were finding any open container or crumb in my kitchen cabinets and on the counter tops.

I am a peace-loving woman, but when it comes to ants crawling around where my family and I store, prepare and eat food, my pacifism goes out the window.

My kids (11 and 15 years old) were treated to my expletive-filled ravings as I squished ants and cleaned everything with vinegar-- for the umpteenth time that morning.

I'll admit it. My tween and teen have heard swearing before (they even use many of these words themselves occasionally). What I felt bad about was that they witnessed my tirade which bordered on out of control!

Am I Selfish? You bet.

I think that “selfish” is one giant word that many moms tend of hold over our heads like some kind of hammer with which we pound ourselves.

Maybe it's something that only I do...but I don't think so.

Selfishness has been a big no-no for me since I was little girl. Somewhere along the line it was made clear to me that it's a really bad thing to look out for my needs first or to ask for too much.

When I became a mom, all of those lessons morphed into something even bigger and more powerful. After all, I had one and then, 4 years later, another precious baby and both of them needed me.

How they needed me!

But the downside to working so hard NOT to be selfish is that I tended to go the other direction.

You might know the direction that I'm talking about-- the so-called selfless martyr (using the term “martyr” in a loose sense here.)

This is the state in which, as a mom, I tended to nurture and care for everyone else first and me last (if there was anything leftover). Of course, this was all done out of love and a sense of wanting to be there for my kids and my husband.

Wait for the Question

At a fabulous personal growth workshop I attended a week or so ago, I learned so many mind-blowing and expansive practices. One of them hit me in my “mama spot” dead-center.

The workshop was led by a life coach named Martha Creek who, in her comforting Southern drawl, guided us through Byron Katie's thought- (and reality-) questioning technique called “The Work.”

Let me tell you, a comforting voice peppered with plenty of “honey's,” is always a plus when you're writing down such things as “When I die, my family and friends will...” or “What is the worst thing that someone could say about me...”

Particularly as a mom, some of these were excruciating questions to focus upon and dismantle my thinking about. And, yes, I did willingly go to this day-long workshop!

What really floored me when it comes to my parenting though, was when Martha advised us to “wait for the question.”

How simple, yet how transformational.

Attachment and Parenting

My sons are growing up-- one is 15 and the other is 11. Sometimes, when I think about it too much, I feel a teeny bit terrified about sending them out into the big ole world all on their own one day too soon.

I envision that mama bird who nudges her growing babies out of the nest so that they can learn to fly and it is an exciting yet scary image for me.

What if they fall? Will they ever return to the nest, just for a visit?

Yes, I tend to be an attached mom.

I've worked (and am still working) to let go, stop trying to fix it all and allow them to have their experiences...but it's so freaking hard at times!

We practiced attachment parenting when both the teen and the tween were babies. We shared sleep in shoved together futons for years and I breastfed both of them pretty much on demand for as many years as they each chose.

It was hard and precious work and I understand that this approach does not resonate for everyone. I don't regret these parenting choices.

However, it seems to me that somewhere along the line, I got confused. Attachment parenting does not mean that, as a mom, I get to attach myself to who and what they are and are becoming.