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02/14/2010

Not As Easy As It Sounds

Blackall.infertility

When I first got married I knew I wanted kids. I also knew I wanted to enjoy marriage and enjoying "us" time. I had a plan. My husband who is 6 years older than me wanted kids perhaps even sooner than I did. We both agreed a year or maybe two and then we'd try. I was one day shy of 22 when we were married. My goal was to have my first by 25. I wanted to have three kids and be done at 30. God, life, the universe, though had other plans.

We started trying a year after we were married. I was 23 then and working full time. I was a hairdresser so I worked with a lot of women, young women, fertile women. These women could literally look at a guy and get pregnant.

The second month of the year that we tried we conceived. It was Feb. I was just turning 23. I was late but every pregnancy test I took, and believe me there were many, were all negative. My closet friend was the only one who knew. She knew how stressed and confused I was so she took me away for the weekend to visit another close friend of ours.

At this point I was about 2 weeks late and still test after test was negative. I decided that I had just stressed myself out so much I was throwing my body off and I was gonna miss a period this month. Little did I know....

I had just finished up a cut and style and was sitting beside a co-worker chatting about work related stuff when suddenly I bent over in the worse pain of my life. I thought I had gotten the flu or something and kept racking my brain wondering what I had had for lunch earlier. I went to the bathroom where I found blood and lots of it. I cleaned myself up, cleared my book, and as discreetly as possible told my boss something was up and that I wasn't sure what. I told her when I got home I'd call and give her an update. For all she knew I was sick and having female issues along with it. And frankly that's all I knew.

I drove home as fast as I could and called my husband. He said I should call my OB since I was in so much pain and literally doubling over. I did. I told them what I was feeling and what was going on. They told me to take a pregnancy test. "What for?!" I asked the nurse. I told her I had bought out the local drug store with those things and all were negative. She asked me if I had more, which I did, and told me to use it. I did with her on the phone. The screen flashed positive as clear as day. As the words came out of my mouth to tell her the results, another wave of pain hit me, and a gush of blood left my body. It was then I knew I was losing my pregnancy. My first baby.

I was 7 weeks. Which isn't far enough to get a D&C but still pretty painful emotionally and physically. I was advised to wait and let my body heal for a few months and we could start trying again.

December 2004, I was taking care of children, acting like a nanny, when I found out we were finally pregnant again. But again I couldn't get past the 7 week mark. My second miscarriage almost a year later. My second baby. my new OB told us to wait till April to start trying and that if we were to conceive to call him. He had already written a prescription for progesterone. He believed that this was our problem. I didn't produce enough to keep the pregnancies.

May 2005, we were celebrating mother's day by taking our moms and grandmothers out to dinner. I was tired but didn't think much of it. I was also a few days late. The day was Mother's Day and before heading off to church I took a test. It was positive. I called my OB on Monday and got my prescription filled that same day. 9 months later I gave birth to my oldest son.

When my oldest was about 18 months we decided to try for a second child. We were ready. It took us a whole year, thankfully without any losses this time. Three years and 4 days to the day, I gave birth to my second son.

I will be 30 this month. I don't have three kids. It wasn't as easy as I thought to get the two I have. Little did I know at 22. I know I went through all of that for a reason. It made my husband and I stronger. It allowed me to me cherish my pregnancies more so. I never once took them either for granted. I cherished both deliveries and fortunately got to experience both un-medicated and medicated births.

I have to admit I still feel a twinge of, I guess I could use the word jealousy, when I hear about someone getting pregnant so easily. Is that childish? Yes. I know that there are so many more women out there who have suffered worse than me, and are still suffering. Waiting and wanting a child so badly. My heart breaks in two when I hear about a person dealing with infertility or losing a child. My heart rejoices with those who finally get their happy ending.

Plans don't always pan out like we envisioned them to, and now I realize that it's OK if they don't. I also realized after my journey that I wasn't alone. At the time all I saw were the fertile gals. So many people in real life and via Internet knew just what I was going through. I learned that it's OK to open up and share my story because I can help others. You keep pressing forward, hoping for a brighter tomorrow. With faith, love, a voice, and support, we can always find strength. 

Randi writes about her joyful ups and downs with her two beautiful blessings at My Moments As Told By Me You can also follow her, sometimes boring sometimes funny but always random, thoughts on Twitter.

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