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March 01, 2009

How To Compliment Your Friend's Ugly Baby

Carriage If you are one of those people who thinks that every baby is beautiful, bless you, and I hope that you have fantastic opthalmological insurance.  The rest of us, however, at some point will have to deal with a friend thrusting their adorability-challenged baby (or photographs of the same) into our field of vision and what's more, they will expect some compliment.  And trust me, it's easier to compliment than deal with the repercussions.

So in the interest of public service, I present the Top Five Tips on How To Compliment An Ugly Baby Without Lying Through Your Teeth.

1.  Reconsider the "without lying through your teeth" part.

1a.  When lying, do not go overboard.  For example, "how adorable!" is acceptable.  "Holy Mother of God!  Did the angel come down from Heaven and burrow in your uterus for nine months and then travel down the birth canal to bless the earth with his beauty?!" is a tip-off that you're a liar.  And possibly insane.

2. Focus on one feature.  Cheeks are a good, traditional and safe choice.  You want to avoid complimenting the baby's pinky.  Anything non-facial screams "ugly".

3. You can't miss with the "he has your eyes." Unless the parent or the child is a cyclops, of course, so you may want to clear that up in advance.

4.  Make a ridiculous prediction about the future. "Oh, she's going to be a heart breaker!" or "You'll need a long stick to keep the girls away from this one!" are good bets. It's not like they're going to remember seventeen years later and come looking for you, right? Besides "so long as there's extensive plastic surgery" is totally implied.  And the kid could grow up to be a huge manwhore, so you may be right after all!

5."Ooh, my ovaries are twitching!" Although this comment is totally revolting and technically has nothing to do with the baby's appearance, the new parents will embrace your envy as a sign of the child's appeal.

Good luck!  At first this may seem awkward and unnatural.  But with time, you will see the results of your hard work and will be seeking out unattractive babies to compliment.  And that's how I'll know that my work is done.  Now, take a look at these photos I have...

Original New York City Moms Blog Post.


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