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September 18, 2008

Why John McCain Should've Picked Me

NancyI don't know about you, but I'm in election overload.  First, there was The Longest Primary in the History of Mankind, wherein we got to see TV stars debate war heroes, venerable senators get ignored by the mainstream media, two democrats battle it out over which one of their candidacies was more historic, and Ron Paul become the unlikely hero of the hipster. Then, we had the coronation of a new hero of the Democratic party,the separation of a Republican candidate from his Republican president, the conventions, the conversations, the columnists...a benevolent king is sounding pretty good about now.

And yet I can't help but add my two cents.  Because the biggest thing to happen recently was John McCain's announcement that his running mate would be Sarah Palin, a former beauty queen (runner up), mother of many, not all that experienced governor of a state that has about as many residents as I have in my building.  I think that John McCain made a mistake.  I should have been the Republican Vice Presidential nominee.  Never mind that I'm a  pro-choice, and pro-gun control, seriously left of center liberal -- I am eminently qualified, and here's why.

1. I am the Mayor of my own domain.

  • I do all the budgeting (you try to send two kids to private school in NYC). 
  • I do all the scheduling: gymnastics, piano, guitar, roller blading, cooking, Tae Kwan Do.(It's a wonder they have time for school at all.)
  • I take meetings about matters important to my constituency: how much tv can they watch, when can they get a dog, do they have to kiss their Great Uncle even though he's the kind of guy strangers offer to buy food for when they see him on the street? 
  • Pretty much everything I do is a photo op, what with the cuteness of my little ones.  Until Cheney, photo ops may well have been the biggest part of of the VP job. I am camera ready.

2. Like Palin, I am an avid hunter

  • Take me to Loehmann's, Daffy's, or Filene's Basement and watch me go!  I can bag and tag a discounted Missoni jacket like nobody's business.
  • Nobody tracks down a lost blankie, teddy bear, or half-eaten and smelled-but-not-seen tuna sandwich better than I.

3. Like Palin, I have been accused of abuse of power. 
I make my constituents pick up their clothes, clear their places, say please and thank you, and look a person in the eye and shake hands when they are introduced. If that's not abuse of power, what is?

4. My husband has never  been on a snowmobile.
But tell him to get from Canarsie to Queensboro Plaza on the subway, and he'll get you there faster than any snowmobile ever could. How hard can it be to speed through the Alaskan wilderness?  My SIC (second in command) has to contend with rush hour crowds, Hare Krishnas, track fires, and the ever-present stench that can only say MTA.

5. I am not a creationist.
No jokes here.  I just think that if you expect kids to learn bible stories in public school, you're pretty much demonstrating a distinct lack of understanding of "seperation of church and state." Believe what you like, just don't expect the Federal government to believe the same thing.

And while we're on the creation thing, my daughter is WAY too young to do any embarrassing pre-marital creating of her own...unless we're talking Play-Do.  She can make anything out of that.

6. No one's heard of me, either.

There are lots more reasons McCain should have chosen me.  I can walk in my high heels, not just toddle; I too, tried smoking pot and didn't like it. I would never run against my mother-in-law, mostly because she never runs -- not even to catch a bus -- but still.  And I have experience on the foreign stage, literally:  I was a lounge singer in Paris.

Clearly, my experience is relevant, substantial, and kinda fun! So maybe I haven't ever been a beauty queen,  I have been to Dairy Queen, and really, what's the difference?

Original Post to NYC Moms Blog.

Nancy Rabinowitz-Friedman is a freelance writer, humorist, and advertising copywriter. She blogs about life after forty and her twenty year quest to lose the same ten pounds at ageless body timeless mom.com


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