New Jersey Moms Blog

Leaving it Alone For Now

Taking Tyler to a pediatric neurologist for an opinion on his Tourette's Syndrome and possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was one of the worst experiences I've had since Tyler was born.  For someone who is supposed to specialize in children, this neurologist had the worst bedside manner for both child and parent. He was extremely clinical in his conversations with us, he used words that I didn't understand, and my husband and I are pretty well researched in Tyler's conditions.  I could tell he scared Tyler too.We already know that Tyler has Tourette's so none of what he had to say about that came as a surprise. 

"Do you like puzzles, Tyler?"  Tyler nodded.  "Well why don't you see if you can put this one together?" We talked for a while and when Tyler finished the puzzle, the doctor asked him to bring it over to us. "Ah-ha, look at this, he's got OCD."  "I-I don't understand," I said.  "Look at the pattern he made.  No normal three-year-old can make this pattern if they didn't have OCD."  I was shocked at the way he had just diagnosed my son.  My son loves doing puzzles, and he has a subscription to a puzzle magazine where he does puzzles that are meant for older children.  

Circus Minimus

The other day my three-and-a-half-old and I were watching one of his videos that had a circus in the storyline.  He said to me, "Mommy, the circus is too far away."  What he meant was that the circus was out of our reach and we couldn't go to one because they don't exist where we live.  I said to him, "Don't worry honey, we'll take you to see a circus someday."  

In truth of course, big or small, we can get to a circus.  And plenty of children Tyler's age have already seen them.  The reality of why we have never taken Tyler to one is because my husband is strongly against circuses due to making animals perform and the abuse of circus animals.*  

Your Room or Mine? Getting My Son To Sleep in His Bed

For almost six months now, my three-and-a-half-year-old son has been sleeping in a sleeping bag by my bed, and sometimes winding up in my bed.  It's an issue that happens to most parents and children at one time or another, but our family has got to "make the break."  My child must learn to sleep in his bed. 

Unlike most children, our reasons for letting Tyler in our bedroom are rooted in trauma that he has experienced, and neurological issues.  It wasn't always like this though.  Tyler started sleeping through the night at four months old, even when he was sick!  I was the envy of all of my girlfriends struggling through sleepless nights.  But when Tyler was two-years-old, my husband and I had a sudden family emergency where we had to travel, and taking Tyler with us was just not possible.  My aunt and uncle were kind enough to allow him to stay three nights with them.  I had grown up with them and Tyler had met them a few times, but basically they were strangers to him.

A Tail of Two (or More) Eeyores

My son seemed to gravitate to Eeyore when we introduced him to Winnie the Pooh and his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood.  Knowing that he was going to get a shot and possibly blood work on his third birthday checkup, we bought him an Eeyore that could go instantly into his arms and calm his crying.  It worked like a charm and Eeyore has been my son's steadfast companion ever since.  Of course this became a problem as he slept with it every night and sometimes even took it to daycare.

When Eeyore began to look and smell a little, well gamey might be too strong a word, but you know what I mean, I told my husband we'd better find a replacement Eeyore.  Of course, it had to look exactly the same, the kid is three, after all, and not so easy to fool.  So we bought him another one and gave it to him when he came home from daycare.  Luckily, this version of Eeyore looks a little "roughed up" brand new. He looked at it for a second or so and then hugged his Eeyore.  I told him that mommy had wiped him off with a washcloth and didn't he smell good?

Raising a Child Your Religion With No Back-up

My husband and I are two different religions and when my son was born we made the decision to raise him in my Roman Catholic faith. Religion is a little complicated in my family.  My husband was raised Jewish but considers himself an Agnostic.  My mother was Jewish and my father was Catholic, but they decided to raise my brother and I Catholic since my father had a deeper faith.  Ironically, my mother is now married to an Orthodox Jew.  Are you following this?

The problem is; there is no one in my family around to help me raise Tyler in my faith.  My father has passed away, my brother does not live near us and the Catholic side of my family is scattered throughout the country.  His godparents live in New Jersey, but it is so hard to see them on a regular day, much less on a holiday when they have their own Catholic families.

Having Another Baby Defies All Logic...

...and yet even though I am sick, forty and poor, I still want one.  

Is it hormonal, the fact that my biological clock is ticking down?  Maybe I just can't come to terms with how life has worked out for me.  When we conceived our son, my Rheumatoid Arthritis was in remission and my energy level was good.  Grant and I both had decent jobs, lots of money in the bank...and then when Tyler was about ten months old I was diagnosed with Lupus, although I was feeling very sick months before.  

It's not as if this is an obsessive thought or want, it's not a constant.  The feeling usually rears it's ugly head when I learn one of my friends or relatives is pregnant.  And then there is this emptiness in my stomach...that I will never get to feel a baby moving inside of me again.  And then the fact that I will have to watch my friend or relative get bigger, maybe attend a shower, and then there is the eventual baby.  

The Land of the Lost

The going thought is that we spend about a third of our lives sleeping but, ever since Tyler has been about two-and-a half, I am wondering how much of my life is spent looking for things that he has lost.  I know kids lose things, but this kid loses things in the span of walking a few feet.  Or, things that are on the couch seem to magically disappear.  And inevitably there is that panicked cry of:

 "Mommy, I can't find Electro's little head!"

 "I can't find Spider-Man's flippers!"

 "I can't find Buzz Lightyear!"  

"But you just had Eeyore, your red Candyland gingerbread man, and YOUR ITEM OF CHOICE GOES HERE, " I exclaim!  

No Gifts For Kids' Birthday Parties?

The past two out of three invitations I have received for birthday parties has contained either the phrases "No gifts, please" or "In lieu of a gift, please make a donation to either the charity that is important to us or any charity you desire".

I've really found these requests to be refreshing.  Does this mean that I think that no child should receive any birthday presents from his or her birthday guests?  Absolutely not, but I think this option does work for some kids for a number of reasons.

It appears that some of the grand-parenting age have fared better in this recession/depression, having already or nearly paid off their mortgages, sent their kids through college and invested more conservatively, and are over-buying for their grandkids.  Recently one of my friends told me that her in-laws bought their grandchildren eight Hanukkah presents EACH for their four grandchildren.  Add to that the gifts she and her husband got the kids and that's a lot of toys.  

Another one of my friends told me that her mother buys her grandchildren ten toys and ten presents for each grandchild for every birthday and every Christmas.  That's only one grandparent! That's a lot of stuff!  

The Insidious Disease of Depression

For a long time now it seems that nothing has gone right for me, or for my family.  My husband and I suffer from chronic illnesses that prevent us from maintaining full-time jobs.  That causes a variety of issues to follow:  how do we continue living on our savings and freelance income that we are able to bring in?  How can we give our son the things that everyone wants to give their children?  How can we keep living in an apartment that we are growing out of?  

I was dissatisfied and frustrated with every aspect of my life, from where I lived, to the late model car I was driving that needed body work that we couldn't afford, to knowing that every single penny I spent on even the necessities was something to worry about.  I wasn't surprised that I was depressed or anxious. Who wouldn't be, right?  It would be crazy not to be depressed and anxious.  I thought my depression was Situational.

The Fine Art of Throwing Out Old Toys

With Santa Claus soon to visit our home and drop off toys for a little boy who has been pretty good all year, I find myself struggling with the problem that every mother faces:  which toys do you throw out or donate to make room for the new ones?  Sure, it was easy when my three-year-old was a baby.  The exer-saucer, the soft blocks, the playmat?  Out the door when he grew out of them.  But now this kid has a memory so I must be more careful.

My son seems to have a hand on all his toys.  I'll monitor which ones he has not touched in months, my eye on a few that I think he's forgotten about, only to have him play with them all over again!  Now what? Today I took my chances.  I threw out one of those parking garage toys that I loved when I was little but was pretty much a bust with him.  But it did take up a lot of room, will he notice it's gone and cry for his parking garage?