LA Moms Blog

Why Not Spoil the Kids?

My husband taught me a very valuable lesson this holiday season: spoil the kids.

I'd been feeling guilty about the glut of toys and gifts that my kids were receiving as a result of participating in both the Hanukkah and Christmas traditions.  "They have too much!" I said, raising a fuss as we cross-referenced my master matrix of gifts we'd bought for them.  As I'd wrapped gifts, I'd put a sticker on the back of each one with a number and letter coding so we wouldn't forget which item was what or whose.  On each night of Hanukkah, based on a variety of criteria (what they'd gotten from friends and family that day, etc.), we decided which gift to give and then the rest went under the tree for Christmas.  This seemed like more than enough stuff for our kids, and when we discussed what to give them as the "big" gifts for the last night of Hanukkah and on Christmas morning, I went nuts.

"They're so spoiled!" I said, miserly, picturing all the children in the world without food, toys, shoes, parents, homes.

My husband shook his head and said, "Don't you think they deserve it?  And if we don't spend our money on them, then what good is it?"

Kind of In Love with My Kids

Please don't take this post the wrong way.  I am not a model mother at all times.  I yell, I coax, I bribe with candy, I forget to make dinner sometimes, I scream on the soccer field, I don't always like my kids' friends, I get very irritated at my kids regularly, I sometimes fake my interest in their stories, and I often forget the important details of their daily lives.  Just yesterday, I chose to go to my own chiro appointment and skip sitting through two awards assemblies: during one, my middle child would receive a 20-second recognition for her writing and then, an hour later, her sister would receive her own props for drama in a cattle call of awards for her grade.  So I'm selfish, but my back feels better and hey, when mama's happy, isn't everyone happy?

But here's the thing: I'm kind of in love with my kids lately. 

That may sound silly... after all, haven't I had these same kids for the last nine years of my life?  Really, it's been a decade, if you include the pregnancy of my firstborn.  But if I have to be quite frank, I don't know if I've always been "in love" with them. 

Soccer Mom and Proud of It

A few years ago, one of my college girlfriends got married and the night before, when I picked up a few of our other friends in my Suburban to go to the rehearsal dinner, one of the women remarked, "I never would have guessed that Erin would become a soccer mom."  I laughed it off, but I was offended - how dare she say something like that!  My kids were still toddlers then, and I had no intention whatsoever to make them play any sport, least of all soccer. 

Well, times change and as our kids grow up, so do we.  As my girls' friends started playing AYSO soccer, we realized that we could give it a try, see if they like it.  No pressure.  Just an experiment, really.  I'd never played team sports as a young girl, even though my brother had played baseball and football, and my kids didn't seem to have an opinion on, but it was worth a shot. Still, we had no idea what to expect.

That first season, I would have missed the registration deadline were it not for the happy accident of knowing the AYSO region's registrar, who happened to be a mom in my oldest daughter's class.  She helped me through the process of completing forms, making copies of birth certificates, and filling out volunteer forms that seemed to commit our whole family to a three-month period of servitude.  It seemed excessive, but the registrar assured me, "Wait and see, you'll love it.  I call it our neighborhood's 'front porch' because you see everybody you know on the field on Saturdays."

Mommy Bloggers: Deceptive? Greedy? Naive?

My husband handed me the Sunday paper this morning as I was about to sip my first cup of coffee.  There, on the front page, was an article about the ethics of mom bloggers writing about free stuff they get from companies.  The article was informative, following one mom blogger from the midwest who has traveled to Los Angeles twice this year on a major food company's dime in exchange for writing about it, and how this plays into the new guidelines by the Federal Trade Commission which require bloggers to divulge financial or product compensation they get in exchange for blogging about various products or services (set to go into effect December 1st).  

The overall gist of the article seemed to be that it could be easy to pull the wool over mom bloggers' eyes and get them caught in the PR machine of a huge corporation's marketing scheme, luring unsuspecting blog readers into the web of deceit.. all for a free trip or "free-flowing wine and buffet tables laden with crudites" (just a few of the things that the article mentions as "common features at company-sponsored functions for bloggers").

In the interest of full disclosure, yes, I blog (I have even blogged for the paper that ran the story).  I'm a mom.  I like free stuff.  I love free-flowing wine buffets.  Sometimes I write about the free stuff I've received from companies (who, I should note, seem to be asking only for customer input... which, according to the article, could be construed as a very soft-sell way of demanding that I write about their products).  But is that wrong?  Am I being greedy or deceptive... or just plain naive not to forgo the freebies?

Retreating

I am on retreat.  I'm only an hour (two with traffic) from home but I feel like I am a zillion miles -- a lifetime, two continents and four oceans -- away.  I'm away from my kids and husband, three cats, TV, school volunteering, Trader Joe's/Ralph's shopping, party-planning, costume-creating, newspaper-reading, dinner-making, hair-braiding and kid-nagging.  And without all of those things that make up my "life," I'm finding that I'm okay.

Backing up, I must say that I like all of those trappings of my life.  Those little, nagging details are the threads in my soul tapestry.  I adore that my life journey has allowed me to be a mother and a wife and an involved community member.  But sometimes I need to retreat from those labels and come back to the inner life that I sometimes put in "time out" in a back room.  All of the upset feelings or unfinished business -- the things that grown-ups try to hide from kids and work and other obligations -- these things need a little space, too.  And I find that space here, on retreat, for four quiet days.

The journey up here is always crazy, but this time it was particularly stressful.  I'd had a job interview earlier in the week, exploring the possibility of a position for me at a place I've always wanted to work.  There had been some press about a fun event in which I'd participated, so friends and family had called, texted and emailed to congratulate me.  I'd hosted a childhood friend and her new baby during an extended stay in Los Angeles.  And, after I'd said goodbye to my kids and husband on their way to work and school on Thursday morning, I'd gotten wind of the search for a potentially armed burglary suspect in our neighborhood.  The noise of helicopters and sirens was bad enough, but when my husband heard that the school had put kids on lock-down in the auditorium for safety, he decided to take them with him to work instead (which made all of us feel more in-control in an uncontrollable situation).  It was, perhaps, just a typical day in the life of a family in the city.

Norm Day and the Numbers Game

I'm not a super-reasonable person.  Sure, I give off a good, friendly vibe and people seem to like me well enough, listen to what I have to say, but I would be lying if I said I could be emotionless and reasonable in the face of adversity.  Especially when it comes to my kids.  And even more so when it's out of my control to help.

As you may know, my youngest child just started kindergarten.  This is my third go-round as a kinder mom, so I thought it might go more smoothly.  While there had been some staffing changes in our neighborhood public school, due to the budget cuts, and two of the three teachers had been moved from the upper grades down to the kinder yard, I still had a bit of a comfort zone.  After all, I'd been in the parent group for years and I knew what to expect from our school and our kindergarten curriculum and procedures. As we walked into the kinder orientation on that first morning, my daughter seemed happy and excited, not nearly as nervous as I would have thought, and that also put me at ease.  I had also come to grips with the idea that our classes might be a little larger than my older daughters' kinder classes just a few years ago, that they might hover closer to the 24:1 ratio than 20:1, but even that was okay. I promised myself I'd just "wait and see."

Things were fine, festive even, as my daughter's name was called and we followed her with all the new students to the classroom.  Inside the room, there was barely anywhere to stand or sit, even with the kids on the carpet listening to the teacher.  I thought it was just a matter of too many parents and that when we cleared out, it would be a manageable group of 5-year-olds, anxious and adorable.  Imagine my shock -- again, I'm not super-reasonable -- at learning there were 27 kids in the class. 

Hmm... I don't know 'bout you, but to me 27 seems like it's on the wrong side of the 24:1 ratio.

Is the Recession Over in Los Angeles?

While there are signs that the recession may be over, I wonder how long it will take for us to feel economic security again.  I was at Trader Joe's the other morning and the parking lot was empty enough for my almost-paid-off SUV to careen into a front-row spot.  The aisles were clear and the shelves were stocked... I felt like I was in one of those end-of-the-world movies because this is the same place where carts bottleneck in the corner of dairy and grab-n-go and where horns honk constantly in the parking lot.  I thought maybe it was a fluke - and maybe it was - but I have had the same experience at quiet department stores and malls during the back-to-school shopping season. 

I am so lucky.  SO lucky.  The recession didn't affect our family in same ways that it hit so many people: we still have our house and our cars and food and we were able to take a few small weekend trips over the summer.  But the overwhelming sadness surrounding money in this uncertain time (will we continue to live this well? will the bubble burst again?) has caused me to rethink our household budget.  Even with sales and retail incentives, I have found that I don't really even want to spend money -- not even on necessary items.  I don't drive as much, so I don't buy as much gas.  I don't stockpile household goods anymore, so occasionally we run out of paper towels.  I went green with our household cleaners, both because it's good for the environment -- and vinegar and baking soda are way cheaper than Windex and Comet.

A thirtysomething on thirtysomething

About a year ago, I had a thirtysomething moment.  A friend had seemingly gone off the deep-end in the midst of a terrible divorce and another friend and I were talking about it quietly over coffee at our neighborhood cafe.  The light was soft, the music was muted and jazzy, and each word was of the utmost importance. 

"I don't get it," I said, shaking my head.  "I mean, he's a jerk.  But the kids --"

"Right," said my friend, sipping her latte, "but it's not just about the kids.  It's about her life, too.  It's her choice: save the kids... not like she won't do that anyway... or save her sanity."

Suddenly, I felt the shift in my own life from the 20-something optimism to the 30-something cynicism.  The first dates, first apartments together, bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers, first baby steps... all of those events in the lives of my friends and I had started to give way to marriage counseling, failing businesses, layoffs, extramarital flirtations, cancer, boob jobs, ailing parents, kids with problems, school fundraisers...  In other words, ANGST - all caps.  And the old 20-something way of getting angry and dramatic just didn't seem appropriate anymore. 

C'mon, Miley, You Know Better (or at least your daddy and publicist do)

"Sixteen-year-old superstar Disney girl tween role model do whuuuut??" 

Picture me with my eyes agog and my mouth hanging open, watching the TV spectacle of Miley Cyrus (Disney's pop princess Hannah Montana) playfully POLE DANCING on an ice cream cart.  I don't care if it was on a teen show -- it could have been a tabloid photo of her antics at a Hollywood club a la Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, really, didn't matter -- it was inappropriate, not least because things aimed at "teens" generally appeal more to the "tweens" since teens consider themselves more grown up and watch, say, "Gossip Girl."

I'm a Miley fan, let me say that.  I love the Hannah Montana show nearly as much as my kids -- we went to a taping and I fell more in love with Miley and her co-stars based on their professionalism and good old fashioned talent.  My husband and I both applauded at the Hannah Montana movie, and I thought, "FINALLY!  A movie for kids that's appropriate, heart-warming and palatable for parents."  Even yesterday, when the song "The Climb" came on the radio, I told a friend who is in her early 30s and has no kids that I just adore Miley Cyrus.  Her family life, her Tennessee roots, her ultra-talented persona on TV, I kinda just admire her moxie and "gee whiz" smile.

Media Savvy Mommyhood

I remember that, when my kids were little, I'd think, "They'll NEVER watch [insert abominable TV show, like "SpongeBob SquarePants" or anything on Fox]!"  I knew that I would never, ever allow their malleable minds to be numbed and dumbed like that.  We'd have family game night, a weekly TV-free day, nightly family sing-a-longs...  You know, we'd be like a modern version of the Nelsons, cracking wise at each other, eating dinner together, playing touch football... all without the trappings of TV.  Besides all of that, my kids would learn to explore the world on their own, discovering new ideas by living them, not by watching them on TV.

And guess how long that idea lasted?  Yep, no time at all. 

I had forgotten about that TV-free dream of mine until, in June, I was invited to a children's programming panel at PBS Kids.  After listening to Lesli Rotenberg (PBS Senior VP of children's media), Joyce Campbell (creator of "Sid the Science Kid") and Angela C. Santomero (creator of "SuperWhy!" as well as the beloved "Blue's Clues") speak about media usage and parental involvement in their kids' program choices, guests were invited to comment and to ask questions.  Several hands went up and a few moms mentioned that their kids weren't allowed to watch TV, but that if they did, shows like those on PBS would be best for them.  A couple moms even mentioned SpongeBob SquarePants as a show they would "NEVER!" let their kids watch.