...You Might Be A Mother

If you've ever lusted in your heart after another woman's European umbrella stroller...you might be a mother.

If you've ever excused yourself from an adult gathering to go "winkle,"...you might be a mother.

If you've ever gone on a date night and spent the whole evening talking about your children...you might be a mother.

If you've ever given a fifth of scotch and your therapist's business card as a baby-shower gift...you might be a mother.

If you've ever snuggled with one of your child's stuffed animals in a hotel room when you had to travel alone...you might be a mother.

If you've ever driven past McDonald's and told your children that they're "out" of hamburgers and fries...again...you might be a mother.

If you've ever changed a squirming toddler's diaper in midair rather than touch anything in a nasty roadside bathroom...you might be a mother.

If you've ever spent your lunchtime explaining to your friend how you would handle the bratty kid at the next table...you might be a mother.

If you've ever seen a creepy stranger hovering around a public playground and known, in that moment, that you could kill a man with your bare hands...you might be a mother.

If it takes you three hours to prepare for a two-hour trip to the beach...you might be a mother.

If you are the only person in your home who knows the location of swim goggles, hydrogen peroxide and piano recital music...you might be a mother.

If you've ever secretly gloated when your frightened child ran to you for comfort rather than to his father...you might be a mother.

If you've ever stayed up at night when you could barely keep your eyes open to write a note from the Tooth Fairy in secret fairy code...you might be a mother.

If silence in your home fills you with happiness - followed immediately by dread...you might be a mother.

If you've ever been so desperate to get your child to stop crying on a long car trip that you've offered her all the cash in your wallet...you might be a mother.

If you've ever had your child blow his nose into a tissue, then found yourself using the same tissue on your nose five minutes later...you might be a mother.

If you've ever reached across the table without thinking and wiped your husband's mouth with your napkin...you might be a mother.

If you think your man is at his sexiest when he takes the children on a bike ride so you can have a couple of hours for yourself...you might be a mother.

If you've ever been startled from a deep sleep and exclaimed, "Goodnight, moon!"...you might be a mother.

If you've ever grudgingly admitted that your mother knew a few things after all...you might be a mother.

[With apologies - and much admiration and respect - to Mr. Jeff Foxworthy.]

This is an original post to LA Moms Blog.

Anna Lefler is a novelist and sometime standup comic who lives with her family in Santa Monica.  When she's not hiding from her dental hygienist, she can be found at her personal humor blog - Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder - where she writes about family, life in general and, occasionally, aerosol cheese.