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December 11, 2008

Why Christmas Eve Holds Sadness For Me

5 Christmas is one of my favorite times of year.  Always has been.  Even though I always seem to suffer some type of "seasonal blues," I still get cheery about the holiday season.

The music, the lights, smiles on children's faces, and fabulous food all culminate in making me feel like I'm part of something separate from the drudgery of the "real world" for awhile.  I let myself get caught up in things like believing in Santa, dreaming about sugar plums, and imagining that the next year can really be better than the last.

As the season has come upon me this year, I still feel that same uplifting sense of holiday spirit, but there's a jaded edge to my spirit.  There's a little bit of something that keeps creeping up on me, from the corners of my mind.  A song of sadness is forcing its way up and out of my heart and I can't shake it.

In April, 2008, I found out I was pregnant for the second time.  Unlike the first pregnancy, which resulted in our wonderful little boy, this one was unplanned; a surprise.  But exactly like the first, this pregnancy brought joy and happiness.  I was excited to welcome another child to our family.

Unfortunately, that happiness lasted less than two weeks.  When I was five weeks pregnant, I miscarried.  There was so much to discover about what it feels like to actually experience this type of event.  From the outside looking in, we all know it must be horrible.  From the inside looking out, I felt like I was drowning in my own despair. Luckily, so many women who are in this club that no one wants to be a part of are willing to reach out and comfort new members.  I was lucky to know many who helped me get through. 

But the truth that rings clear to me still is that I will never really be the same.  I will never get over the experience of losing a baby that I never even got to hold in my arms; to whom I was never able to whisper, "I love you, little one."

My second baby was due on December 24, 2008.  For all my worry that my child would be annoyed with me for giving her a birthday right next to Christmas, I never worried that she would never even see her due date.  For all my worry that we'd be rushing to the hospital on Christmas day, I never imagined that my very best Christmas present would be taken from me before I even got to see the bow on the box.

So there is a sadness I can't shake, as the due date approaches.  And I'm finding I don't even really want to shake it.  I want to remember her.  And hope I see her some day. 

Perhaps on this Christmas Eve, I'll be more thankful for life and loved ones than I have on any before it.

It would be the best way to tell her I love her, I think.

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This is an original Deep South Moms post.

Lotus is a freelance writer and full-time mother to one mischievous, toddler son and wife to a road-touring, musician husband. You can find her pontificating about motherhood and life at Sarcastic Mom , 7 days a week.

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