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August 21, 2007

Much more than a dog with two bodies and one head

Kc1There better be funnel cake there or someone's going to get hurt.

Who's going to get hurt?

Whoever tells me there's no funnel cake.

What if there's no particular person involved and you just read it on a sign?

*louder* Then it'll be the person in change of the foodstuffs, OKAY?

We were headed to the Montgomery County Fair. Now, I have never been to a County Fair before, but I imagined it to involve pie bake-offs, livestock and wholesome 4-H types in overalls or something. I imagined a bucolic setting of wooden fences, pastures dotted with hay cubes, tents and dirt.

And funnel cakes. I couldn't remember the last time I had a funnel cake and ached for one covered in powdered sugar. Our annual Fireman's Fair in my hometown always had funnel cakes, alongside the shifty ride operators whose butt cracks and toothless grins reminded me of prison movie scenes.

When we got to the fairgrounds in the far upper reaches of the county, I was shocked to see how big of an event this was. Massive. I could see the amusement park rides towering high above the sprawling parking lots. People. Everywhere.

We parked, paid for admission at the entrance and walked into CarnyLand, the land of The Loud, The Gawdy, and The Trashy. Yet, dissonantly, the land where everything costs A LOT. After only 5 minutes in CarnyLand, JP and I realized we had just spent close to $50 and we hadn't done a damn thing.

Parking: $5
Admission: $21 (3 adults @ $7/each and 1 child *cough* under 2 *cough* free)
24 ride tickets: $20 (note: each ride at least 3 tickets per person)
Subtotal: $46
Time Elaspsed: 5 minutes

We got in line for a ride for Joles: a very short circuit "train" loop and meanwhile, I set off to get me us a funnel cake (YES!) while we waited.

Funnel cake: $5
Time Elapsed: 10 minutes.

After the lame train ride, Joles was hungry which meant
corn dog: $3
2 lemonades: $6
greasy fries: $3
Subtotal so far: $63
Time Elapsed: 25 minutes.

(This is not counting the incalculable toll on our bowels and arteries thus far.)

$63 in 25 minutes. Christ. We might as well be in Disney World.

But I don't recall there being Nasto-Port-a-Potty's in Disney World. How I flirted with the idea of vomiting.

Kc2I was repulsed  oddly fascinated by the exhibit featuring such curiosities as Goats with 5 Legs! (Alive!) and Two-headed Geese! (Alive!) I didn't appreciate the emphasis on the alive bit since even the thought of showcasing freak carcasses left a sour taste in my mouth. I tried to shield Jolie's eyes from the Satanic illustrations as we walked quickly by.

I'm quite sure my life isn't any less for passing up on seeing the not-dead Zonkey.

The Ferris Wheel was a big hit with Jolie who delighted in us being so high up in the air. Funny, it was this exact same revelation which made me want to bolt our legs together and throw a safety tarp over her head. Note: I did not do this but I wanted to VERY BADLY.

Kc3Which left us with just enough ride tickets for one of us to accompany her on one last ride, which turned out to be one where kids rode mini-construction dump trucks in a bumpy loop. I realized as I crammed my 5 months preggers bod into that vehicle that I was too large to be in there but then it was too late so I suffered a thousand minor concussions while my head batted the top of the cab, my right knee sticking out of the doorway. And every loop we made in front of the crowd of parents watching their unaccompanied kids on the ride, I saw people laughing at me, not with me, looking like an NBA player in a freaking Yugo.

My dignity. Gone. Damn you all!

But Jolie, she had a grand time, between sucking down a $3 sno-cone and watching fair-goers zip upside down in death rides. (Something she will never, ever do. Ever. Not in something that a few hours ago was a trailer.)

3 hours at the County Fair: $69

Teaching your daughter the joys of funnel cake, sno-cones, freak shows, port-a-potty's, grease pits, ferris wheels, and the underbelly subculture: priceless $69

Dude. Where were the animals and the pies?

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