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July 18, 2008

I Never Knew

MiscarriageI never knew how common a miscarriage was until I had one myself.  Currently in the process of miscarrying my own baby, I am well aware of my need to grieve.  Emotionally, it feels like the time when I came home from the hospital after having Jack and he was still in the special care nursery.

Empty.

I realize I do have two wonderful, beautiful children that I made with my own body.  Their hands, their toes, their sparkle...all created by me.  My body does not fail to do what it was destined to do and that includes what it's doing right now.

Do I wish things had been different?  Hell, yeah.  Am I going to be okay?  Probably.  Will I ever forget?  Never.

I am sad and angry and devastated beyond words.  Yet, I am comforted by the dozens of women who came out of the woodwork to share with me their own experiences with miscarriages.  One in every four women miscarries their baby.  That's a startling number.  It's not really comforting to me, but it is what it is.  And it helps me to know that it's more common than I ever knew.

And all of you who shared your story with me...I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone in this chapter of my life.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me your words, your time, and a part of you that is so sensitive in nature.

Miscarriage hurts in more ways than one.  My soul aches for what will never be.  My heart hurts for this terrible loss to my family.  My body hurts, as I've been in labor for over a day now.  Labor...that's what it is.  It's like giving birth all over again, but not bringing home a baby.

Empty, but not depleted...that's what I am.  My Brother had some wise words for me.  He said, "You will soldier through this like everything else, Amy.  It's who you are and it's how you're made.  You will do this."

Soldier is an accurate verb for this situation.  I have no choice but to get through it.  I cannot collapse, even if I still can't wrap my head around it all.  I have two incredible toddlers who need their Mama.  And every time I look in their eyes, I know that everything happens for a reason.  I am, by no means, a religious person.  However, I do believe that I am learning a very difficult life lesson right now.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I have my moments when I just sob and sob, but I am entitled to it. I've lost my baby and I don't know why, nor will I ever know why.  Everything hurts, but the hurt can't last forever.  I have a family who grieves with me and the love and support of friends.  I also have my blog posse; that's you guys.

And I am grateful for every single person who has offered his/her support.  I grieve, but I am in no way alone.  And I have to remember that it's okay to be sad.  It's okay to not be okay with this.  It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry.  It's okay to feel sick with grief.  And it's okay to smile when my daughter gives me something she made to make me feel better.

I have a job to do.  My body has a job to do.  And we're going to get through this chapter because we are the ones writing this book.  The next chapter will be better.  I have hope, but I need to allow myself to get through this, one step at a time, one day at a time.

My baby died.  I never thought I'd ever have to write those words.  That hurts, but I needed to do it.

This Chicago Moms Blog post is a follow-up post from the one I wrote on Tuesday.  It is also cross-posted at Comments from the Peanut Gallery, where Amy S. posts daily.

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