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February 16, 2008

Bucket List

The other day I discovered an egg-sized lump on the base of my throat.  I was shocked and baffled on how could I have missed it being the size it is now. Right away I called my doctor to get it checked.  In a couple of hours I was able to see my doctor and had my blood drawn.  She couldn’t really tell me what was wrong other than I need more tests done.  An endocrinologist appointment, an ultrasound procedure, and a biopsy procedure are now in order.

From the time I found the lump, my brain readily fast-forwarded to the worst-case scenario.  I can’t help but think that this could possibly be very serious, and soon enough our lives may all change.  I am scared for my children at the very thought of them feeling lost without me, and I am especially scared for my infant daughter who may never really remember of being hugged or kissed by me. Ok, I know I’m fast-forwarding way too fast even before the results come up, but can you really blame me for thinking all this?

So now I am in this waiting game.  Waiting for the results.  Waiting for the next procedure.  Waiting for more results.  God, I hate waiting!  Obviously patience is something I will have to deal with and I really need to keep myself occupied so my mind won’t wander farther than it already went.

But being the realistic person that I am, I decided to start on my “to do list” or I guess sort of like a “bucket list” (just in case you know) to keep myself busy and sane.  I need to organize all the pictures for a family album, upload summer 07 pictures to my online photo album from the camera, catch up with certain long-lost friends, and lastly catch up with writing letters to the kids (which I have always done since they were all born and the letters are stowed away for them to read someday).  I also checked to see if I signed on the back of my Drivers License about being a donor and also checked to see from my husband that my life insurance is in order.

My older brother made a comment that I should concentrate my energy in more positive things and not on death.  But honestly, I am focusing on life – my children’s lives. What could be more positive than that? Because let’s just say my results come out squeaky clean and I’m all healthy, who’s to say I won’t die in on some freak accident instead? One thing for sure is that I at least kept my bucket list updated. And if I’m lucky to live a fruitful life all the way to 80, then that only means I have more time to coordinate my ensemble of designer orthopedic shoes and kick-ass knee highs and all.

What’s on your bucket list?

Cross-posted at MJ's personal blog: I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl  - http://wantsugar.blogspot.com


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