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August 24, 2007

I yelled at my baby today

I didn't mean to do it. It had been a rough day -- for the last three nights Kevin has had terrible insomnia, so today he's feeling really ill and has been completely unable to help with her. And for the past three nights, I've been even shorter on sleep than usual. Not as bad as Kev, but bad enough to leave me groggy and frayed. Add to that a pile of suddenly-urgent-must-get-done-today tasks, plus one fretty, complaining baby who wanted to be carried and talked to and sung to every minute of the day, and you get a momma who was suddenly at the very end of her rope. Kavi let out one complaint too many (I think she was hungry, but I needed to finish one more urgent e-mail before feeding her), and out of nowhere, I shouted, "Kavi, will you please be quiet!".

Sigh. I went and gave her to Kevin (waking him up) for ten minutes, just long enough for me to set myself up with the breast pump in front of the tv and calm down a little. By the time he brought her back in to me (him looking like death warmed over, pathetically saying that he just couldn't keep the baby anymore), I was okay and able to cope. And though she's been difficult the rest of the day, we've been okay.

I think what scares me about this is not that I yelled -- I'm guessing she didn't even know that I was yelling at her. It was just a loud noise to my three-month-old. But it freaks me out that I didn't see it coming, that I didn't realize it early enough to catch myself. I have to be more careful. :-(

You can read more from Mary Anne in her journal, An Ongoing, Erratic Diary.


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