The Dreaded Daycare Dilemma

OK here goes... I need help, SV Moms.  I have a big dilemma and a short time to make a decision.  It's a decision that only I can make, of course, but I know there's a wealth of experience wrapped-up in our little community so I'm asking for words of wisdom that might help me determine the best road to choose.

My daughter, who will be 18 months old soon, was just offered a coveted spot at a full-time day care near our home starting with the new school year in August.  We've been on the waiting list for 2 years (yeah, since I was pregnant).  We got on the wait list because I knew I couldn't hack the full-time 24x7 100% stay-at-home mom thing and I heard this place was good.  The only problem was they don't have part-time as an option (although I later found out they do have 2 or 3 days as an option but that's not what's being offered to us right now).  I always intended to work part-time and parent part-time, but I wasn't totally sure, so I needed an insurance policy in case I wanted to go back to full-time work and this was it.

Fast forward to now, and I have a couple of problems.  First, I'm still recovering from delivering my daughter, J.  Some resulting nerve damage has put me in a constant battle with pain inside and out, and that puts a damper on everything I do.  Blogging from bed keeps me sane, and my daughter is the light that keeps my pain-related blues from turning into mind-numbing depression.  Second, J is still very attached to me and to our nanny (who of course will have to go at some point in the future, but we hope to always have as a babysitter and friend).  So It's not just J who might suffer major separation anxiety when transitioning to full-time day care, it's also me.  Third, my career is in limbo.  I have a pending book deal and a couple of potential clients that could take as much time as I let them.  These things could require a lot of me regardless of whether my daughter is in the house, and if she stays at home, it could make working very difficult.

My daughter is very social.  I actually stepped-up the nanny share, daycare, playcare, preschool search recently because I determined she needed more social interaction.  She's full of energy and almost always happy.  We are lucky.  I know she's ready to spend more time with other children, but I don't know if she can handle full-time.  She's fragile and sensitive, and she's a light sleeper like me.  I don't know if she can nap every day there.  I don't know if she'll change and start being a less happy child.  I'm scared to relinquish the oversight capability I have with her at home most of the time.

I place a lot of pressure on myself to make the right decisions, I know, but if this doesn't work out, then we will have lost a great nanny.  And if it does work out, will I look back in a few years and wish I'd had more time with my daughter?  Due to my injuries, I am most likely not going to have another child.  So this is it for me - all of these precious moments with this wonderful little girl will only be here once and here I am considering taking her to someone else for most of the day every day until she starts school.  This is my chance to be a mom and really spend quality time with my J, but even if all of my nerve pain were gone tomorrow, I don't know how to be a full-time mom. It's still so new to me.  On the rare days I feel good, I love taking my daughter out and spending time with her, watching her learn and grow, but I still crave intellectual challenges.

Part of the problem is I'm one of those people who grew-up with a full-time stay-at-home mom and the few kids I knew who were in day care were troubled.  On the flip side, I feel totally clueless most of the time and these people are experts.  I stand to learn a lot from them. My daughter will have some opportunities at this center that she wouldn't have at home.  And as much as I wish I could take her to play groups every week, I'm just not well enough yet.  It will take all of the energy I can muster to be able to drop her off and pick her up every day - that alone scares me.  As it stands now, though, we have a pretty good setup with our nanny who takes J to the park every morning, feeds her, helps me some around the house and lets me rest, and doesn't seem to mind my intervening whenever I want some time with my daughter.  It's just really expensive, and the kids J plays with are always different.  She needs some friends.

My sister and my friends who have their kids in some sort of daycare are all telling me to take this opportunity.  Everybody I queried on the parents' club list says it's a great opening and not to let it pass by.  I know if the full-time thing doesn't work out, we would probably find a part-time opportunity if we wait long enough.  But at the same time, we need some help, the nanny is expensive, and it could be another year and a half before anyone else offers us an opening.  So now we're leaning toward taking this spot, assuming we could always change to a part-time (less days) scenario later if I'm feeling up to it.  And it's a coop environment with an open door policy, so it's not like I couldn't see my daughter if I wanted.  It's just that it's physically challenging for me to sit in a classroom for very long.

But the past few weeks, I've been beginning to feel good enough to plan some play dates and go to more play groups.  I even hosted our first play group.  I've been making new mom friends - slowly - many of whom also work part-time and have part-time help.  If I put my daughter in full-time day care, then I won't have the flexibility to take her to play groups or schedule many play dates unless I do it after "school". I won't have as many opportunities to meet other part-time moms.  And I'm left with a lot of time to myself which, although I always fill it quickly, will be lonely without J with me.

I know my daughter will go off to school at some point.  I know she needs to be around other kids, get sick, learn new skills, and be independent.  But I just wonder if it's too soon yet for both of us to be apart so much.  In most cultures, children spend more time with their mothers than here.  I fear I'll be stunting her emotional growth if we split early.  I know what I'm going through doesn't happen to all moms.  Some are happy to send their kids off to daycare after the first 3 weeks.  Others keep their kids with them and home school them as long as possible.  I know every situation is different, but I fall somewhere in-between.

Essentially this opportunity comes right in the middle of my identity crisis.  I haven't figured out what kind of mom I want to be yet, because I'm not quite myself again yet.  On the days I feel well, I become a different person, wanting to take my daughter everywhere and show her new things.  On the days I'm in significant pain, I want to stay in bed all day or work so my mind's on something else.  With the nanny, I can say: "I need you to stay a few more hours" or "go ahead and take off - I'm going to go for a walk with J."  We're super lucky she's been so flexible.

Anyway here I am, at the end of probably the longest blog post I've ever written, wondering if any aspect of this convoluted situation can be weeded through by anyone other than me, feeling the excitement of possible liberation (imagine - full days to myself again!) mixed with the apprehension of extreme loneliness (imagine - full days by myself again :( ).  In twenty years, will I look back and wish I'd saved a few more dollars and sent my daughter to full-time day care so I could have more time to myself, or will I look back and wish I hadn't gone after a book deal or another client or an additional volunteer activity at this precious time in my daughter's life and sent her off to day care when I could've been watching her play in the yard each afternoon basking in the simple joys of new motherhood?  Most likely, I'll just wish I wasn't in so much pain that I had to deal with this dilemma in the first place, but still, here we are, decision in hand, not knowing what lies around the next corner.  All I know is I'm open to suggestions.