They Beckon Me

There is a huge open box of maternity clothes staring at me as I type. They are taunting me, begging to be worn again- or given away for good? Will I ever know the answer to this?

We think we are done with having kids, but it's not official. Having these clothes in my possession makes me nervous. I had given my whole pregnancy wardrobe away, but like a Ouija Board, they keep coming back.

About a year ago we tried to get pregnant with a fourth child. For the first time in our lives, we were unable to make a baby. Our older boys were "surprises" and only 17 months apart. Our youngest son was our "planned" baby that we conceived on the first night. After a few months of trying we became unsure if we were really ready for a fourth. We agreed that we were quite content as a party of five.

I worry that the moment I give these clothes away, I'll suddenly need them. But I also think that if I keep them here, I'll need them. And I'm not so sure I want to need them. Does this make sense? No matter that they'll most likely be out of style anyway. They represent something deeper than just fabric with more give in the middle. They are asking me if another life will inhabit my body, nurse at my chest, take hold of my heart. They stare me down... and I close the box.

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Stephanie blogs at Adventures In Babywearing and will be joining the soon to launch sister site of Silicon Valley Moms Blog, the Chicago Moms Blog.