I Surrender

After reading our post on nanny-poaching where one WAHM commented there are many moms who work at home without a nanny and by hiring one you "open yourselves up to entrusting the care of your child(ren) to others" (guilt, guilt) and then Sue Hutchison's question about "Mommy- Wars...Hype or Not?" (with our resulting discussion), I wanted to join in with my opinion on the topic. But I could not put my feelings in words. I was so happy to read this morning's New York Times review of the book "The Perfect Stranger" because it gave me the one word I was looking for to describe my personal challenge with childcare.

That word was included in the section where Lucy Kaylin, the author of "The Perfect Stranger", was quoted on her thoughts about the challenges of career women and childcare: "....what it means, more and more often, is that they love them (their children) enough to surrender much of their care to a woman who knows more about child rearing then they do".  I know that statement (and the word surrender) will get some WAHMs or SAHMs in a huff, but let's be for real - some women are natural executives but not natural mothers. What about mothers with great careers who interview over 50 nannies (yes I know a few who have done that) and find a loving one for their children?  And what if this nanny is better then the mother at  going to the park, doing art projects, running after the kids all day. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Ok, as you can see I have some emotions associated with this subject. I worked hard to get on Partner track at a worldwide consulting form and decided to retire after my twins. Which was the right decision, but I found that there are times during the day that the right "hired help" would probably be much more patient and peppy then I would be.  I suffered an identity crisis going from a successful career to hanging out at the park. Spending time with my children is the most valuable part of my day, but it does not mean that I can do that ALL day.

So I "surrendered" to the help of a fabulous team of preschool teachers for my 4 year old twins (they love, love. love going to preschool in the morning). I realized that I could not work at home AND entertain them so I sent them to the 5 morning a week program.

I had trouble working with my second grader on his homework (I am used to managing teams of professionals to a project plan, kids don't work quite the same way). So  I "surrendered" to a educational therapist and am looking for a couple of highschoolers to be "homework buddies" to work with my son. The educational therapist is helping my son gain a love of learning and giving him great techniques that I (with a computer science and business background) just could not do on my own. My second grader is lucky to have a great teacher this year at school, but having one on one time at home support is also important.

I also got tired of looking at piles, piles and more piles of clean - unfolded laundry so I "surrendered" to a babysitter to come twice a week to help fold and watch the kids.  She is patient with the kids and reads books to them or takes them outside to play while I cook dinner. She also watches them while I go food shopping or run other errands. Sometimes I just find a Starbucks with wireless and do some work.

Is this so different then my executive friends that work full time and interviewed over 50 nannies to find the right help for their children? If they feel more comfortable working then being the day caregiver for their kids (and financially in Silicon Valley probably need the income), then it seems getting a professional nanny to help is a good idea. When I was a project manager/consultant, one of the key things I learned was the concept of "outsourcing". If I needed a C++ programmer, should I do it myself when the last programming language I did was Cobol?? So I interviewed many programmers until I found the right resource that fit within my budget. Why can't working mothers also use the concept of outsourcing to find the right (loving and caring) support at home?

Beth Blecherman's personal blog is Techmamas.com.