Top Ten Things to Do While Your Kids Have Tantrums

After a very busy day, we finally had all three boys bathed and ready for bed. While preparing their nightly milk cups  I realized I did not have a blue top for the blue cup I give J. With three kids in the house, I assigned everyone colors as an attempt to make them feel special. Now it has backfired; one of my twin toddlers (J) has tantrums if I don't give him "his" color. And that is just what happened when I attempted to give J his milk cup that night.

I have experience with tantrums, my first son had his fair share but now he is older and things have quieted down.  Being strong willed is a quality that can lead to success in a child's future, but it does make it hard for their parents. Now one of my twin toddlers has them but the other does not. So all my mom guilt is gone and I truly believe it is wiring. My boys are delightful most of the time, so I have learned to deal with some screaming now and then.

But I did need to find a good way to survive tantrums the second time around. After reading the book "Children The Challenge, by Rudolf Dreikurs M.D.", I used their "take away attention concept" to deal with my son's tantrums. And since my son's tantrums do not include head banging or any other life threatening behaviors, I felt comfortable using it. He does not respond to distraction. So I developed my list of things to do while my son has his tantrums.This is my home version, I also have my top ten list to do when I am out. Getting things done keeps my sanity. But I did have to choose things that can be done with screaming in the background. Answering emails is dangerous because the tone I used in the email had a distinct annoyed quality that came out in my writing. I try to do these things in the same room but make sure my son realizes that I am NOT paying attention to him. And I need to stay calm. No problem, I am a mom of three boys.

TOP TEN THINGS I DO WHILE MY KIDS HAVE TANTRUMS (at home)

10. File my nails, for long tantrums I can even put polish on my nails.

9. Go through the mail. This is really fun when I find clothes catalogs that I can look through.

8. Clean the kitchen since it is the last thing I usually want to do.

7. Vacuuming is good because it drowns out the crying.

6. Go through my kids toys and make a donate bag with toys not in use. Sometimes this distracts him because he thinks I am throwing away his toys. Then he is happy to get his toys back.

5. Go through my kids art supplies and throw away markers without tops. Markers without tops really bothers me.

4. Do situps. I have my exercise ball and Xerdisc in the living room for easy access.

3. Re-organize and clean kitchen cabinets. Another job I dislike.

2. Make muffins, then at least I have fresh baked good when all the screaming ends.

1. And my favorite, take a long shower and use my favorite lavender soap and french shampoo.

That night I walked out of the kitchen and took a long shower. It took J 15 minutes of crying before he even noticed I left the room. All the other kids were in my older son's bedroom listening to Dad reading Harry Potter. He came into the bathroom and peeked at me. When he realized I saw him he started crying again and ran away. Then he came back and did the same thing. The next time he came in I said "peek-a-boo". He started to laugh. It felt so good to hear his laugh. I dried myself off, put my pajamas on and took J into his room to read a book. It was like the tantrum never happened. Crisis averted, until next time.

What do other Moms do to keep their sanity during their kids tantrums?

Comments

[crazedparent]

what a great list! and to think that i haven't tried the "take away" concept. the pain it could have saved! clearly i have work to do:)

[Alix]

I know the point of the list was to take the attention away from the tantrum, but, if it's at night, the open-screaming mouth is a great invitation for a tooth brushing, which I have been known to take advantage of...

[Leslie]

Great post. What a smart woman you are! Good to nip these things in the bud too. Nothing worse than teenagers throwing tantrums.

[Stephanie Vlahov]

Act like a nut. Really.. Jump up and down and yell and throw a tantrum yourself (the sillier the better-theatrics work.) They will stand there with mouths agape and you probably will all wind up laughing. Too much emphasis on the self esteem thing..I tried the making-them-feel-special route and it erupted back at me in the form of little generals. There are days when you just will say "I'm the mom, heres the Dixie cup, deal..'
My teens don't throw tantrums-they just ask for money all the time.

[Lynn]

When my kids had tantrums, I’d just put them matter-of-factly into their rooms for the duration. It didn’t happen often, but when it did it was usually because they were overtired, hungry, or coming down from a sugar rush.

It helps to matter-of-factly tell them later, not while they’re in it, that tantrums are what little children do, that people grow out of them and that you’re confident that he or she will grow out of them too very soon. It’s helpful to describe both good and bad behaviors and put them into some kind of context. Then kids can reflect back and learn to make changes themselves.

Of course it helps to not throw tantrums yourself—sometimes difficult in the midst of family living.

[Lynn]

When my kids had tantrums, I’d just put them matter-of-factly into their rooms for the duration. It didn’t happen often, but when it did it was usually because they were overtired, hungry, or coming down from a sugar rush.

Try telling them later when they settle down that tantrums are what little children do, that people grow out of them and that you’re confident that he or she will grow out of them too very soon. It’s helpful to describe both good and bad behaviors and put them into some kind of context. Then kids can reflect back and learn to make changes themselves.

Of course it helps to not throw tantrums yourself—sometimes difficult in the midst of family living.

re: making them feel special. You are feeding them, caring for them, and writing about them. A hug will do the job.

[Alix]

I just thought of another thing I do when my kids have tantrums. I say, "Wow, (crying / screaming / yelling) really works well to make (your toys get cleaned up / your shoes go on / your food taste better)!" I usually elaborate, like say, "Wow, look how those toys are moving so fast into the drawers with you crying - that REALLY works, and you are just sitting there doing nothing!" They usually stop, think about that concept and laugh. I can't say it works like a charm each time, but they will at least laugh at the absurdity of it all.

[Beth B.]

Great to see all of these strategies from creative moms. Seems like sense of humor is key and making sure they realize that they don't get their way when they have a tantrum. We can just hope they learn that good manners work better (I always make a big fuss when my boys use their manners).

[Meg]

This would be a GREAT submission for the Festival of Family Flair!
http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_887.html

Really great post!!

[annetta]

I would love to have your top 10 while in public. My son pulled a great tantrum today at the zoo that i didn't know what to do with!

[Beth B]

Meg - Thanks for the recommendation for the Festival of Family Flair. I submitted the post after I saw your comments. That is a great website.

Annetta - I have to admit that since I got my BlackBerry, if my kids have a tantrum in public I move them to a safe spot and do some email. The most interesting thing is now that they know I will ignore them - the tantrums are disappearing! It took some time, but it worked. But I have had my zoo tantrum experiences so I am with ya on that one.

[Jeff]

Nice stuff. I love the 'taking a shower' idea, and the lavender soap. I could totally see my girl doing the same thing with peeking in, crying, only to return as if she was fine the whole time. Although she would want to get in the tub and play while i showered...which is cool too.

[Barb]

I agree about taking away attention during a tantrum. Attention = love, and if you give them attention during a fit, they'll connect throwing a tantrum with love. It's easy enough to remove your attention yet remain available to the child in case s/he needs you.

I was also going to suggest submitting this to the Festival of Family Flair, but see that's already done. This is the EXACT kind of thing we're looking for - your creative solutions to everyday problems. :D

[Matt]

Love this advice - it would be perfect for Minti - please consider adding even a snippet of it to the site :)

Matt - Minti Co-founder

[Twinmama]

Wow. Your twins LET you do that stuff while having a nuclear meltdown? And you can focus? Tantrums make *me* nutty, and it's never stopped them. Ignoring generally doesn't work well either. So far sticking a twin in her room seems to work best for us.

Cool list, though!

[Rory]

This was priceless!

This post just lasts and lasts, imagining a mother doing any of these things while her kid wigs out. It's an outright pick-me-up. Thank you.

Filing nails, tum-ti-tum, blowing on the nails, hmm, little bit more off that one...applying paint...

[hedra]

Being ignored freaks my second son out terribly. So "total ignore" just escalates the tantrum. Sigh.

However, he also usually doesn't do better if we try to help him through it. Trial and error taught us that if we just stay nearby and say calm validating things ("I hear ya." "You really wanted that." "You're really angry.") whenever he's catching his breath, while doing whatever else we need to do, that solves his problem, AND mine. He tends to get louder for a moment after the validation starts, but then calms more quickly once he thinks he's free to express himself.

BUT, the manner of expression... um, needed help, LOL! We discovered that a) he lacked the skills to identify when he was getting upset so he was too far gone to calm himself down until exhausted ("The Explosive Child" book provided the skills teaching), and b) he is one of the ~1 in 3 kids who is a fructose malabsorber, and of those, one of the ones for whom *any* High Fructose Corn Syrup causes wild mood swings. Took that out and adjusted his diet for the Fructose Malabsorption, and ta-DA!, WAY fewer upsets in the first place, and they don't escalate to screaming fits now! WOO!

Love the gentle way you reintegrated your son's fury, without discounting it or escalating it. A typical tantrum around our house often enough ends up with a little play/fun, too. Peekaboo is a great one. :)

[Erica]

Your list has been duly noted for when I have to deal with the dreaded tantrum!

From GNMParents Festival of Family Flair

[mominisrael]

Toddlers who have tantrums are in distress and need help dealing with their strong emotions. I don't agree that they should be ignored. Comforting them is not the same as giving in to their demands.

[Beth B.]

I agree that toddlers in distress need comforting, but is my toddler in distress if he does not get the right colored top for his sippy cup? When do you draw the line?

[mother in israel]

I would comfort my toddler anyway. He'll outgrow the need for the sippy cup no matter what. I'm letting him know that I sympathize with his pain, which is just as real to him as adult disappointment, and which he doesn't have the tools to understand yet.

[Latia]

Awesome. My one year old is showing symptoms of tantrums (laying in the floor, putting head on floor when she gets something taken away) and this is a great way to deal with it...I'd try to sympathize with her and talk her through it, but if she doesn't understand what I'm saying, how does it work...is it the empathetic tone that works?

[Analiza]

In an attempt to save my sanity tonight I googled Top Ten Things Moms Need and your blog was the first on the list. After reading your bullet points I can see I have stumbled across the perfect page for myself. Being a mother of soon to be three boys (7 months preggos now with #3) I don't feel as alone as I did 15 minutes before reading your blog. Thank you for sharing and shedding the light that yes - sanity is possible.

[children furniture]

I think food is the only way that the kids will behave...LOL