Working Moms’ Summer

    Summer is hard for working moms. Oh, not for the reasons we tell you—that summer childcare eats up our entire take-home pay, that scheduling summer camps and activities to fill up our nine-to-five-plus days takes familiarity with Excel and many, many late nights. That’s true, but we budget all year for the summer financial hit; we’ve got file drawers full of camp brochures and our on-line calendars programmed to remind us of registration deadlines. By June we’ve paid the bills, we’ve printed out the spreadsheets and plastered them on our kitchen walls, and we’re way past all that.
    So that’s not why it's hard.
    It’s hard because in the summer we constantly run into SAHMs. We see them hopping into their SUV’s with their tennis rackets. We see them riding their bikes with kids along side or onboard. We see them picking up coffee as they head off to walk the Stanford Dish, wearing their sunglasses and sun visors. And we see them sitting by the country club pool drinking ice tea looking amazingly cool in their casual yet fashionable coverups as we rush, sweating, from the parking lot to the day camp pickup knowing we are seriously late. Yes, we’re grateful the camp takes the children of non-members, it’s a good camp, but we wish it had a back door.
    And when we see them, they smile cheerfully and ask us, “How’s your summer going?” And we can’t answer. We can’t be honest, and say, “Summer is hell and I’ve never been so tired in my life.” We can’t lie and say, ‘Oh, great, it’s just so relaxing.” And we really don’t want to punt and ask them about their summers; we just don’t want to hear it. So we mumble about being late, which we usually are, and move past quickly.
    Sure, intellectually, we know their lives have their own challenges. We know that they are sitting by the pool because they don’t trust the teenage lifeguard and they’re afraid the swim teacher might drown their kids; that keeping bored kids happy on long summer days can be draining. We know that their lives aren’t always ice-tea-by-the pool, and that when their kids were younger getting through the day felt like running a marathon. We know that in our heads, but deep in our hearts, we are sure that their lives are easier.
    In the winter, we don’t mind so much . We wave to them at school dropoff as we go off to work and they go off to, well, whatever it is they go off to. We know they aren’t watching soap operas and eating bonbons all day; we know they are volunteering in the classroom and running the PTA auction and doing all the other things that keep our communities running. And when we see them drinking coffee at Starbucks they’ve got their day planners and their computers and are figuring out how to bump the school fundraising numbers up 10 percent this year, and we can honestly wish them well. Meanwhile we dress up like grown-ups and go off to our reasonably interesting jobs, which we mostly like, and collect our paychecks that help pay the mortgage, which we really like. And if we’re lucky, we take the occasional business trip and order room service and, sometimes, even get to lie by a pool for an hour or two and drink ice tea.
    In the spring, we don’t mind. We’re giddy with the warm weather and the flowers blooming and take the long way back from lunch so we can walk past the nicest gardens. We’ve got an endorphin buzz from the return of the sun, and an adrenaline buzz from trying to fit in all the spring sports and school activities without getting behind at work.
    But in the summer, we mind. We mind a lot. Years of school vacations conditioned us—summer is not a time for work. Summer is the time for hanging out with friends, the time for the pool, the beach, the tennis courts. We take a few weeks off, but it’s not enough. We get pedicures so at least our feet look rested, splash on a bottle tan so we don’t look like ghosts, occasionally spritz our hair with surf-spray for that just-got-out-of-the-ocean look, and dump on sunlotion for the beachy smell. And on those rare days that we’re early for the camp pickup and have a moment to sit outside, we fool ourselves into thinking we actually are having a summer.
    Until, that is, a well-rested SAHM with a real tan and no bags under her eyes asks us how it’s going, not realizing she’s entering dangerous territory. For one day, we may blow; we may tell the truth, and it won’t be pretty.
    So in the interest of keeping down the carnage of the Mommy Wars, treat your local working moms with care this summer.
    (And now I press the post button, knowing that I may be about to become cannon fodder…)

Comments

[pamela]

Love your post-- As a SAHM that is actually running my school's auction this year...and can be seen at Starbucks with my planner on a regular basis..I wanted to let you know that I have much respect for my fellow Moms--whether they are working or sitting by a pool..ok, the working has got to be hard when your pals are by the pool. I need a pool to sit by, anyone want to invite me over..

[mb]

And add to this that you need to drive your kids to different camps because one is too young for that camp and the other one is bored at that other camp ... you finally get to work and soon it's already 5 pm- time to leave and pick them up :-)...all the other kids are already picked up when you get to the camp, which closes earlier than school daycare and they remind you of how bad a parent you are for not being there early like all their friends' parents... add to that slow traffic getting onto 101... by the time you get home, you tell your kids you need to check emails and finish a project, but you don't want them playing World of Warcraft because it's been highly addictive and making them moody... you're ready to give in because they keep on insisting... I won't give in: let's go to a pool for half-an-hour, I can do a short run on the treadmill. The good part is that there is no homework and summer is a good time to teach them further house chores :-O. They can go to bed 30 minutes later than on school days and they crash. Then I can go back to work after they are asleep.

[taliaben]

Well, at least you were organized enough to sign up kids for camp early enough! This year,I thought I was on top of things, but not good enough. My 9 year old was wait listed for 2 of the camps I picked out. Figured, it would clear... nope. So now, the problem is worse, as I have to find alternatives to TV and Playstation. One solution was to take a vacation with him alone - so we're off to Hawaii for some mommy/son bonding next week for a few days. My work will wait for a bit (Blackberry should have coverage on the big island!)

[Jill]

Oh, I just LOVE this post. I am actually somewhere in the middle, a part time working momma. Home three days and in the office two days. Although I love the adult interaction and of course the pay - I sometimes wish I was out in the garden, sitting by the pool or visitng the New Jersey shore ALL WEEK LONG.... My days home with the girls are filled with lot's of summer fun.

I promise NOT to ask you how the summer is going :) We already know!

[crazedparent]

fantastic, honest post. thanks for sharing having sat on both sides of the fence, i know how you feel. although you shouldn't assume someone is a SAHM just because she's out getting a coffee in the middle of hte day or riding a bike with their kid in the morning...i wfh and do most of my work at naptime/after kid are asleep. flextime makes my daily life look very deceiving!!

[Kelly]

Very honest, love it! I totally agree. Although I work part time and on my off days I don't think anyone envies me Starbucks when I am chasing a two-year-old around with a five-month-old strapped in the front.

[genger]

right on! My favorite part is that summer camps don't start until 9am, meaning I don't get to work until 9:30am. That's awkward. Also, what about the extra expense of the extra care, almost doubling the cost, just to make it more like a full day of care. Oh, and what about making a choice to send my kid to a less expensive camp, which turns out to be boring and not very interesting (my words, not his, he loves playing game boys with the other six year olds!). Next year, I am sending them off to grandma and grandpa's for an extended visit, or else putting a second (third) on the house to send them to three weeks of Camp Galileo...

[Charlene]

Great post - captures my every day battle with summer camp. Personal low point this summer -- I realized that all of my Excel and planning skills were for naught, when the night before the first day of camp that I hadn't signed up my son for Lego Camp! I had gone through the registration waaay back in February but never actually completed the form. We rushed to the camp bright and early and begged for compassion. It worked out in the end, it definitely took the wind out of my start of summer sail!

[Denise]

Well apparently there are "sahms" and then there are moms who actually stay at home. No one could envy me, because no one ever sees me. I am at home practically all day every day, trying to keep house when the children are in it all day, drinking coffee & eating too much sugar to keep going and reading blogs to try to feel like I'm part of the human race. I've been a stay at home mom for 15 years, and I could count on one hand the number of times I've been at a pool, and due to toddlers in the water, I have never (not once) sat by a pool with a cold drink. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I'm complaining. Every mom has her own cross to bear, and that's life. As far as the "mommywars" go, I am not "against" working moms. ALL good moms have my respect and admiration and I hope we ALL can get at least a couple of hours of iced-tea & pool time this summer!

[Can't say my name]

I hate working. Every single day.

SAHM's, I did it for three and 1/2 years so I now it's hard as hell, I envy you.

God I wish I could be with my child instead of at this time wasting, pay check earning day I call work.

[Kerri]

I'm a SAHM, and I AM sitting around watching soaps and eating bonbons all day. What? You mean that's NOT what I'm supposed to be doing? I'm actually SUPPOSED to be paying attention to these kids? Oh great..... :)

[Rebecca]

A bit late to comment but I'm new here and just catching up. Can you tell from the I'm new here and just catching up that I too am a work-outside-the-home mom?

Summer is profoundly painful for all the reasons you state. I see SAHMs and RUN the other way. How dare they be so skinny and tan. They must not still be breastfeeding their almost-one-year-olds, I tell myself (before watching them proceed to nurse). There's no shadenfreude.

[Elspeth]

Before I even had kids I saw people at our gym's complex at odd hours -- I don't assume that because people have tennis rackets (I know it's symbolic) or just look relaxed that they're stay at home moms. Or at least the stay at home moms I know are not relaxed, most often in the summer. So you should know, summer sucks and we're all in the same boat - except you get to get away from it in a few months. You should see how quickly my husband skips to work in the morning after a weekend with the kids.

[Elspeth]

Oh, and SAHMs don't have the gym time that working moms do, so we are most definitely *not* the tan skinny people you see -- that's just a personal obsession, and has nothing to do with your work during the day, be it with kids or with employees.