After all we have been through…

About 16 months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. He is my little superman. For the first 11 months of his life, he was a total “mama’s boy”. Now, not so much…

I definitely think a little back-story will help set the stage of this heartbreaking tale of a mother desperately trying to be her son’s favorite person again!

My pregnancy was a rollercoaster ride. After miscarrying a few months prior, I was overjoyed and yet nervous when I found out I was pregnant again. I bled through my first trimester, on partial bed-rest, and no nothing (exercise, sex, etc…). Needless to say, I was worried the entire trimester about losing my second precious gift I was carrying. However, my second trimester was easy and so much fun. Even though, my husband and I decided not to find out the sex of our baby, I was totally bonding with this little one inside my womb. I remember feeling the first flutters to full blown kicks throughout the second trimester. I would sing songs and read stories to the little one inside me.  I could not wait to meet, hold and kiss my baby.

The bliss of the second trimester turned down right scary at 32 weeks. I went into preterm labor in California. Okay, first let’s just answer the question I get all time, “what were you doing in so very pregnant”. Actually, it is normal for pregnant women to fly up to 36 weeks. I went to my doctor two days prior to the trip and everything checked out fine. Our trip was short! We were spending a long weekend with family. To make a very long story short, after getting an awful stomach virus, I ended up in the hospital having contractions. Apparently, they were five minutes apart. I had no idea what I was feeling were contractions. Crazy, I know! I spend six days in the hospital. They gave me every drug under the sun to stop the contractions, but nothing seemed to eliminate them. I thought my precious child was going to be born premature and so far from home. Thankfully, he wasn’t. My contractions subsided, everyone held their breathe and said their prayers, we boarded the plane and I promised my little one I would always keep him/her safe and close to me!

When we arrived home, we rushed the completion of the nursery as we just knew this baby was going to be born right after I was finished bed-rest. Well, he wasn’t! After 35 ½ weeks, I was off bed-rest, running around town getting everything ready for my little one. I never stopped contracting though. Insanity! Every day they got stronger, but no progression in labor. I finally went into labor on the due date! To me, this was hilarious. At this point, my little one and I had been through so much together.

As we took our beautiful son home, I was so nervous, but totally in love. I nursed him and absolutely loved that special time we spent together. I, especially, loved the quiet time in the wee hours of the morning. I know that sounds crazy, but the house was calm and I would just sit in the darkness, feeding and snuggling with my little superman. We spent almost every moment together for the first 3 months of his life. I went back to work part-time, but continued to nurse. I would put him down each night, because he fussed too much if my husband would try. He was a total “mama’s boy” and honestly, I loved it (most of the time). I could not help but feel totally loved and connected to this little man. At playdates, he would not crawl far from me and always needed me insight. We would snuggle, sing and dance around all the time. Sure, I felt overwhelmed at times and requested more help from my husband. By 9 months, we were both taking turn putting him to bed, bathing him, and feeding him.

Then, right before his first birthday, he began to lose his, at times, obsessive attachment to me. It seemed out of nowhere, he pushed me aside and his hero was DADDY! I am talking about tears and outright crying every morning when daddy left for work, cheers and screaming with joy as the front door opened each night when daddy returned home. When mommy leaves the house, I, occasionally, get a hug or kiss and a wave good-bye. When I return, I get nothing! Well, perhaps a smile is thrown my direction if daddy and son aren’t wrestling or playing cars.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the bond that my husband has with our son. Seeing them together and how happy my little superman gets when his daddy walks in the room means so much to me. I am just very jealous and want to be the center of my son’s world! I know he still loves his mama! I just miss the special moments that my little man and I use to have and feel like he does not need me as much anymore. I mean we went through so much… And it makes me wonder if this is the way it will be from now on. I, seriously, brainstorm about how I can “win” him back.  Maybe I am just not as fun and too busy getting meals together and cleaning up. My precious one is no longer a baby and wants to PLAY not snuggle with mommy all the time.

But one thing has yet to change, when our little superman is hurt or needs something he calls out loud and clear, “MAMA”!

This is an original post to Philly Moms Blog.  Courtney also blogs at her personal blog, mommie blogs