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A Sarcastic Mom's Guide to NOT Parenting

How to not parent_picDo you ever have a day when you don't feel like parenting? You know the kind; it’s not that you are overly frazzled or stressed, you just want to play with the kiddos and aren’t in the mood to "follow through." Whatever that means.

It’s not so bad if it’s a stay-home-in-PJs-day. But let’s say you’re at the park or a playdate at a friend’s house. As in, other moms are judging you, so you can’t be “that mom.” This happened to me last week while I was hanging with some friends over at Marcy’s house for a little mommy pow-wow. My preschooler and toddler were throwing rocks into Marcy’s beautiful fountain and my getting-fatter-by-the-second pregnant self couldn’t use the tried and true, “we’re leaving if you do that again” threat because the reality was, we weren’t going to leave… it wasn't nap time yet. This little situation got me playfully thinking of ways to look like you’re parenting when you really aren’t.

Follow my Sarcastic Mom's Guide to Not Parenting!

  • If you put your kiddo in timeout and they run out as soon as you get back to chat up the other moms say, “I told him he could get out when he was ready to have a good attitude.” (Ha!)
  • Give consequences other moms will never know whether you followed through with or not. Instead of saying “If you throw sand again, I’m going to take away the sand toys.” Say, “If you throw sand again you won’t get to watch Cars when we get home.” The other moms will think you are giving consequences, but if you don’t feel like following through when you get home, they are none the wiser.
  • Play dumb and pretend you don’t notice what’s going on. You can’t discipline bad behavior you don’t see! (RIght!?!?)
  • Try not to make measurable consequences. Instead of saying, “If you scream again you’re going in timeout!” Say, “Don’t scream.” Then you aren't stuck enforcing a timeout while the other moms are sipping lattes!
  • If you do make the mistake of giving measurable consequences be sure you’ll never have to actually follow through by making them really easy or unobtainable. Instead of saying, “If you scream again you’re going in timeout!” Say, “If you scream again you have to play over there.” (easy) or “If you scream again I’m going to kill you.” (unobtainable… I hope!!)
  • Always have an E ticket snack available for a quick meltdown-free getaway or a little good old fashioned bribery. “As soon as we get in the car, I have a lollipop for you to eat.”
  • When your little mischief maker is acting up pull him aside to look like you are giving him a stern lecture. But really, just tell him how much you love him. Maybe he's just acting out to get a little mommy attention. We all know it won't be long till our little mischief makers won't want our snuggles and kisses. And who really cares what the other mom's think on the playground... well not too much.

Hope you are entertained by my Sarcastic Guide to NOT Parenting. I would never really use them... um right... I'm always in the mood to parent. But if you have suggestions leave a comment. I still have 4 more months of pregnancy and I’m only going to get fatter and lazier!

Ex-fitness fanatic/aerobics instructor, Kara-Noel is the creator of an awesome hat line for infants and toddlers called Eli's Lids. You can find her blogging about creating a whimsy home, motherhood and being the owner of an up-and-coming business over at Eli's Lids the Blog.


Original Orange County Moms Blog post.


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