NYC Moms

Battling the Birth Order Blues

Recently, msnbc.com reported on a recent study in the Economic Journal that confirms what many a first-born child has long suspected:  parents really are harder on oldest children.  The study documents that parents provide more financial aid for grown younger siblings than their first-born counterparts, also showing that the discrepancy in parenting continues on after children become adults.

Most oldest children would attest that being first isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Sure, our clothes weren't faded the first time around and our playthings were more likely to sport that new-toy shine, but other firsts aren't always pleasant, like being the first to negotiate curfews, the first to not make it home for the holidays, the first to disappoint parents with our choice in careers.  As a first-born adult, I'm still pioneering new ground with my parents for my sisters to glide through behind me. 

I'm familiar with Birth Order Theory, and now, even armed with new research validating my suspicions, do you think I can overcome this disparity in myself--in my own parenting?

Not a chance.  Please pass the guilt.

Surviving Spring Break at Home

Many schools are on recess this week for Spring Break.  Some families are traveling to visit relatives (that deserves a survival list of its own), but if you're a mom at home with more children than usual--especially little ones--here are some survival tips just for you. 

Tip #1: Do you know any middle schoolers who'd like spending money?  Hire one as a Mother's Helper.  You don't even have to leave the house, but someone else can be in charge of making and cleaning up lunch, walking the dog, and running Tip #2.  It could be the best $20 a day you ever spent.

Tip #2: Try an art or craft you don't usually offer.  This week we're using fabric markers to decorate T-shirts.  Another option is to lay down a drop cloth or waterproof table cloth and bust out the paints.  Yes, I know--the mess--but, this is Spring Break, and if you have a Mother's Helper, schedule this project for that day.

Tip #3: Sneak in some of your favorite foods or drinks for yourself.  While you enjoy it, repeat this thought: I take good care of myself, too.

Diversity Trumps Test Scores

I can hardly think about my children's education without thinking about our move from the suburbs to live in the city--the same values formed both decisions.  I know we're counter-cultural, that most families in our stage move the other way, perhaps hoping schools with higher test scores and more economic resources will set their children's feet on the yellow brick road to a shiny emerald future.  But I've been to the 'burbs.  I lived in a planned neighborhood of track homes in which all the houses in our vicinity were nearly identical--not just in looks, but in price--ensuring our interactions with people in higher or lower income brackets would be minimal.

The lack of racial and cultural diversity in our former suburb goes without saying, but the uniformity of appearance is further-reaching than that.  Whether you are a thirteen-year-old girl or a thirty-year-old mom, the fashion trends are narrow and rigid, with little belonging extended to those who cross the lines.  Beauty is a narrow construct in the suburbs, and belonging is the weapon used to hold girls hostage.  Highlands Ranch high schoolers were a great motivator to get my girls out young.  By their teen years, the girls we saw seemed hollow, like people living in poverty of self-expression.  Like unknowing prisoners who lost freedom to be an individual and still belong.

When we arrived in Brooklyn, we couldn't jump on the school obsession bandwagon. 

The Good Girl Myth

Recently my husband and I and our two daughters (ages four and one) visited friends who have a son, and the mother said to me, “We really try not to use Good Boy with him.  We do want him to understand manners,” she tried to explain.

“--and kindness,” I agreed. We both knew the fixation with being a Good Girl or Good Boy wasn't helpful, but part of me thought, please. Is avoiding two words going to create a magic new reality all by itself?

And then I had a suspicion—you may have felt it, too—that this friend was doing more than Just Sharing Her Opinion. Was she correcting me? In an indirect way, as in, I've heard you doing this and maybe I can gently help you out here?

Naw, couldn't be.  We never say Good Girl to our kids.

Not a week later, I started hearing it. Over and over; time and again. Coming from . . . my oldest daughter's lips. Good geh-rel, she cooed to her sister in her distinctive little accent. You said, Thank You! You used your fork! You picked up your toys! Good girl! Good girl!

Oh, dear, I thought.  Oh dear oh dear oh dear.  What. Have. We. Done.

Blogging to Nourish Mothers

I have a standard I try to live by when I'm talking to friends about my husband.  I try not to say anything I wouldn't say if he were standing right next to me.  It's just a matter of honor and respect.  We trust each other with the most intimate parts of our lives and our hearts, and that trust can only exist if we're not tearing each other down to outside parties.  Does he do things that drive me crazy?  Yep.  Do we have really tough seasons in our relationship?  You bet.  Do I let other people know my life and my marriage aren't perfect?  All the time.  But there is a way to communicate our struggles without vilifying and tearing apart the ones we love.

So why is it so hard to strike this balance when we're blogging about our children?  Why are so many of our stories about their flaws instead of our journeys as mothers?

True Confession: I Like My Kids

"Bitch is the new black," Tina Fey declared recently on Saturday Night Live.  This probably wasn't news to trend-setting Bitchy Moms, who speak out--sorry, rant out--about how their children have ravaged and pillaged their lives, leisure and bodies like an Invading Army.  Perhaps they're looking for pity, but the result is simply pitiful.

Some cultures view children as precious gifts.  Mommy Blogging Culture is not one of them.  Are readers hungry for authentic expressions of experiences that are common or universal?  Yes. Unfortunately for them, most bloggers decided that authentic meant negative, that it was "cool" or "courageous" to publicly confess their most hideous thoughts and actions, then defend them.  Only half (if that) of the story gets told.  It's amazing readers keep having children--that amidst all the resentment and complaining that anyone can still believe in the joy of parenting.

Grand Central: Your Ticket for Adventure

This time of year my children and I miss our warm weather adventures.  A fresh destination, like a well-timed afternoon snack, can tide us over until spring comes to quench our appetites.  Our day at Grand Central Terminal relieved our cooped-up crankiness, and will be one of my go-to spots when the weather isn't welcoming.

If you're trying to stay dry and warm, you can take the 4, 5, 6, 7, or S subways to Grand Central, and arrive right inside.  With over eighty stores and dining spots, there is plenty to stroll and see.  Get the big picture by visiting the Main Concourse first.  You can pick up a map and directory at the Information Booth.  Ideas for self-guided walking tours (or highlights you might want to hit) can be found here.  An architectural delight that your kids will love is the Whispering Gallery in front of the Oyster Bar and Restaurant--go to opposite corners and whisper, and your partner will hear you on the other side.  (At the end of the day, my four-year-old cited this as her favorite part.)

A Case of the Februarys

My daughter is home sick today, and the water in my building has been turned off for repairs. I think I'm coming down with what she's got, but more importantly I'm exhibiting symptoms of something much longer-lasting: a serious case of the Februarys. You might recognize the symptoms: a creeping cloudiness across your emotional canvas, increased appetite, decreased activity, insatiable desire to sleep. I think I feel this way every February, when spring, like a late-running pregnancy, begins to feel like a fairy tale. Or a sham.

I'm sure the revolving door of illnesses coming through all winter isn't helping matters. I've lost track of how many rounds of cold and stomach viruses we've collectively stumbled through. My husband has been blaming preschool, but I remember last year being very similar to this one. We didn't have children in school then, and blamed it on the stress of moving cross-country. Now I'm suspecting a different culprit. February.

Rain, rain, wash away my worry today

As a New York City mom, I often walk without a destination.

Sometimes there's no place to sit.  I order hope for a table with a side of desperation at coffee shops, longing for a seat the way my relations pray for a parking space.  Other times, there's no place to go, and I'm strolling my sleeping toddler until the next time I have to be somewhere.  I walk my life out in this city, and as my body moves, my thoughts slow back to a livable pace and my emotions are soothed like a baby by the rhythm.

It's cloudy and rainy this morning--every car lining the street shines under glassy drops.  I will walk today, and maybe the rain will wash my worries away like all that dirt dulling the city's surface.

My biggest worry today swirls around the difference between the way I parent my older and younger daughters (ages four and one), who were born with different temperaments, in different types of homes.

10 Ways to Lift Your Spirits

I had family coming in for the long weekend, but their plans changed at the last minute.  I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to the company, or how much I miss them.  My kids have a holiday on Monday, but my husband does not.  The weekend forecast looks cold, and without our usual roster of fun activities lined up, I'm feeling a lack of excitement.

January in general is an in-between time, full of resting and waiting--for the next major holiday, for longer days, for spring most of all.  If you're stuck in the in-between, or just feeling blue like me, you might want to try one or more of my 10 Ways to LIft Your Spirits, all of which worked for me today: