My Family of Five

I look at the pregnancy stick. The positive plus sign still so permanent and visible. Still so full of promise. But I know it's all over. It's no longer real. I throw the stick in the trash.

I've given birth to two beautiful babies.

And now I've had two devastating miscarriages.

I’ve known so many women who have experienced this loss. And my empathy has always been deep for these mothers. I just didn't expect to be one of them.

I keep straightening up the apartment, pulling the corners of the bedspread so it's perfectly even. I feel consumed by the need to control something. If I can't stop another miscarriage, surely I can at least make this bed correctly.

But it's futile. I'm crying again.

I think of my due date, July 30th. It now means nothing. It will just be an ordinary day.   

Oh, how I love my two beautiful little girls. I hold them so tightly and my gratitude is limitless. But my family feels incomplete somehow. I know that there is another one, with silky hair and little toes, who is supposed to join us.

I must believe that there is a reason for all this. Or else the pain would be too much to endure. I must believe that someday we will be a family of five.

And the tears are flooding down my cheeks again. 

I pull the pregnancy stick out of the trash and once again stare at that plus sign. I place it on my bathroom shelf. It's just too soon to throw it away.

Original NYC Moms Blog Post.

Kelcey Kintner is the creator and editor of the mama bird diaries, a smart, funny and always unpredictable take on motherhood.