The Perils of NYC Birthday Parties

Usually I’m great at planning parties. I can easily throw together brunch for 12 or New Years Eve for 150 but I just can’t seem to get my kids’ birthday parties right. It’s not as if the date changes. It’s just I’m conflicted about the whole big-birthday-party-thing especially here in New York City where it’s not just about picking the cake but about picking a venue. It requires the systematic skill of a tightrope walker balancing your child’s happiness on one side of the pole with your sense of values on the other side.

Last year, my youngest threw me for a loop. We had celebrated her birthday with the family when she announced she wanted “a disco-dress-up-princess-pirate-sports party” for her friends. At first I was confused. Then my brain shut down completely. Whatever large-life-issues I had swirling around paled in comparison. My fair-haired child with the pixie smile was not only asking for her first party but she had something highly specific in mind and frankly I was not sure I was up to the challenge.

I’d gotten off to a rocky start planning my eldest child’s first party too. I’d picked the Carousel in Central Park only to learn it was the same day as one of

New York City’s largest parades, a day you do not want to be in Central Park with small children, strollers or pets. I cancelled that party though in reality most people told me they were going out of town anyway.

The next year was better. I became friendly with an Organizer-Mom, the kind who looks at school calendars at the start of the year and plans vacations months in advance or organizes play-dates or sends out “save the date” emails for birthdays. My friend, whose planning skills are incredible, suggested we have a joint party. We got two cakes and invited the same 18 kids we would have invited separately. It was great.

But this time, I looked around, and there was no Organizer-Mom, just me. I sent out invitations and in a horrible case of déjà vu called everyone up, not to cancel, but to change the date when I found out about half the children would be out of town.

 

My husband’s response, “You did what?! I’m away on business that day.” I was distraught.  So like any over-compensating, working mom I consulted my daughter. “Do you want to have the party or wait for Daddy to come home?” She chose the party which is why I found myself at 9pm on a Thursday night at the Toys-R-Us in Times Square searching for pirate costumes.

 

I’d decided we’d celebrate her half-birthday at a sports club with costumes and a hip-hop dance instructor. The kids had a blast. Six months later, we had another party on her actual birthday. That’s the price of indecision.

It’s also the price of guilt because my other daughter lives for her birthday. Months in advance she’ll start writing up lists and opening closets as if new toys will spill forth as a sign of what’s to come. Last year as she was opening presents she said with total sincerity, “Only 364 days ‘til my next birthday. I can taste the cake already.” I could not in good faith have her party without making good on her sister's.

 

I remember when I turned five. My mom invited everyone to our house in the suburbs and we played for hours. I wore a red and black Mondrian-like dress with white trim and shiny Mary Janes. The boys wore blazers and ties. My mom snapped a photo of us outside in the cold. We looked so happy.

The bar is higher now. NYC apartments aren’t always conducive to large “simple” parties. And because I work, I look forward to catching up with other moms at birthdays so drop-off isn’t an option. That means picking a place and trying to keep everything in perspective. I have thought about donating all the gifts to charity or asking for books we can give to needy schools. I want my children to understand how lucky they are. So why do I give in? Not peer pressure but something else.  When I saw my youngest running around at her own party bursting with happiness, I was filled with profound joy. I want her to always know that feeling. My children are so little, so pure, so genuine and they love their friends without qualification. I dread the day that changes and birthday’s become complicated feats of diplomacy picking and choosing who to invite. So for now, I’ll teach them about social responsibility and “sharing” in other ways. For now I’m OK with this and maybe, before they're grown, I'll get better at the logistics.

Original NYC Moms Blog post. Deb Feyerick is a CNN Correspondent planning another party.