Parenting my shy child

Growing up, I thought that being excluded, embarrassed, or teased was the worst thing in the world. But as a parent, I know that watching as your own child stands off to the side while other kids play is much, much worse.

My daughter is only three and a half, so navigating social situations is a new skill she’s working on. She’s a bright, articulate, and funny child – when she’s comfortable. But take her out of her element – the first visit to a schoolmate’s house, for example – and she clams up while trying to wedge her tiny body between my legs. At a recent birthday party, she just watched as all the other kids ran around laughing and jumping on the bouncy castle. When the mother announced that the kids were going to play musical chairs, I knew that it was my timid child who would be pushed to the side first.

My first reaction was to ask the mother not to take any chairs away, so that no kid would ever be “out.” After all, they are only three. But then I wondered whether that was really the right response. By not competing she may not lose, but she’ll never win, either. At some point I know that I’ll need to step back and let my daughter learn how to fight her own battles. I just don’t know when – or how – to let that happen.

There’s been a lot of news about helicopter parents who hover over their children, never letting them off the leash long enough to become independent, capable adults. There’s talk about how members of Generation Y can’t handle rejection in the workplace because they have been coddled their entire lives. So how do you create a child with strong self-esteem and self-confidence without going so far that they are scared to fail?

Right now, I’m letting my daughter stay in her safe perch between my legs. I can let her live in a world where no one ever loses for a little while longer. She is just starting to do more activities without me – or my legs – to hide behind. At some point, she’ll be at a party where there aren’t enough chairs for every child. By then, I hope she feels confident enough to want to stay in the game. But if she doesn’t, then that’s okay too. Sooner or later there will be something she wants badly enough that it’s worth fighting for. All I can do is hope that she does.

An Original NYC Moms Blog Post

Comments

[Grace]

My daughter is one of those kids that naturally has a tendency to hover around me. She is cautious and thoughtful. She observes and doesn't jump into things. She's....like I was as a child. So I let her stand next to me clutching my leg for as long as she wanted. Now? She's 7. She's still shy but she will do things when she's comfortable. Soon enough she'll be running and doing goodness knows what as a teenager. For now I'm content in allowing her to be herself. Just like my Mom did with me.

[Jo Jo]

Research done about shyness shows how the brain is flooded with "fight or flight" chemicals when the person is in a situation that triggers shyness. (Check out Dr. Jerome Kagan of Harvard University, key word - "temperament"). What they've found, though, over the 20-something year study is that the children learn coping behaviors that eventually change the way their brain reacts to the shyness-triggering situation.

I'd definitely go with the flow. Be supportive and accepting, just like you have been. Help her by talking through the events that will take place in her day before they happen. Tell her who will be there, what the activities will be, etc. Help ease her anxiety by preparing her.