Drawing the Line: Helpful or Critical?

The other week I was sitting with my son and another mom friend at my new outpost, Le Pain Quotidien. It was teeming with mothers and children, all happy to have a spot where the strollers fit through the isles and the bathrooms don’t smell. A small toddler, who looked to be about 16 months old, came over to me and my son. After exchanging a few “words” with this pleasant chap, I looked around to see where his mom or dad might be. A man smiled and waved from across the room where he, a woman and another boy, maybe 4, were sitting.

The toddler ran from table to table, as social toddlers do, and I casually tracked him. I think I did mostly out of guilt because my own toddler was relegated to the stroller because I am too lazy to run after him and really wanted to sit and drink my skim latte.

As I glanced up from my sweet froth, I caught the sweet head of curls that belonged to this toddler whizzing by…towards the door. The door was open. The busy city street was steps away.

I quickly glanced towards the table where mom and dad and brother were and saw no movement. I jumped to my feet and dashed towards the toddler, who, at the last minute, decided he didn’t want to go outside, turned around and started toddling back inside.

Standing there, feeling a bit stupid for overreacting, I smiled at the mom who was now on her feet and said “I’m sorry – I was closer and just saw him make a dash.” She sneered at me and said “Thanks. You don’t have to worry. I’ve got it.”

My heart sank. If there’s one thing I do NOT want to be, it’s someone who passes judgment on other people’s parenting. (See blog on unsolicited advice). I felt as if she interpreted my actions to be a statement on her parenting. But what was I to do? I do not want to do nothing when I see that I can prevent a child from being hurt. Her reaction made me feel wrong for stepping in.

Two days ago I was on a street corner talking on the phone before dipping into (yet another) coffee shop. Two moms with three children crossed the street and stopped right in front of where I was standing. The one mom turned to adjust some clothing on the older child, and let go of the stroller for a brief second. It started rolling…not fast, but it was definitely moving. So I reached out and put my hand on it to keep it in place while she finished what she was doing. I smiled my sweetest smile at her so that she knew I was just being helpful, not condemning. I mean god, I’ve been told my stroller is starting to roll a few times myself! She smiled back and said “Oh, thanks!” Whew.

So, where’s the line between being helpful and critical? I hate the fact that I have to even think twice about helping someone. Can we not all just have each other’s backs? We all need a little help. I’m not talking about unwanted advice -- I’m talking about being on the bottom of the slide to catch my son when I’m on the top kinda thing.  If my child is in danger, whether due to my fault or not, I certainly hope that someone who could step in, would. I will continue to fight the good fight, but please, if you see me helping you, know that it comes from the bottom of my heart with zero criticism attached, from mother to mother, and just smile and say thanks. I’ve got your back.

Rebecca Rodskog is a NYC based personal life coach, change management consultant, actress and mom.  For more information, check out www.rodskog.com.  She also contributes for The Well Mom.

Originally posted at NYC Moms Blog.

 

Comments

[tracey]

If ever I'm in NYC, I will hope you're at the park while I'm there! Please, PLEASE help avert danger for all children! You may get snotty replies at times, but it's better than seeing a kid get hurt and knowing that you hesitated so as to avoid a sneer.

[liz]

dude, i'd totally want you catching kid before he went out into the street.
i think it's less about judgments and more about other mother's feeling insecure in their own parenting. like the mother whose son darted out the door toward the busy street--if i were her, i'd be embarrassed that someone else had to get up and run after my kid. the "oh thanks, i've got it" snide response? defense mechanism.
with that being said, i do the same thing all the time: at the park, the grocery store, everywhere. i view it as a universal mother "it takes a village" thing. if i look out for other children, other parents will in turn look out for mine when the time comes. and i know it will come.

[Grace]

I can't believe that Mom was snooty to you. [shaking head] In my own prospective, you did exactly what most Moms would do in that situation. We all need a helping hand every now and then. I'm just glad when another Mom (or Dad) extends one.

[Kristi]

Unfortunately, the line is imperceptible because it's in the other parent's head. Don't let that stop you from doing the right thing. One day at the grocery store I saw a little girl leaning out of her stroller dangling her fingers on the floor. Her mother was right there, pushing the stroller, but looking off the other direction. I told the little girl to pull her fingers in or they might get hurt and turned to smile at her mother. My reward was an extremely dirty look from the mother who pushed off in a hurry. At first I was confused and felt a little guilty, then I remembered some of those really awful days I'd had when I was feeling overwhelmed and miserable, and I realized it would have been really easy for me to give a dirty look if the tables had been turned on one of those days. But I would have been glad my daughter's fingers didn't get pinched. Rebecca, it's not about the parent, it's about the kid. You're doing the right things.

[Meagan Francis]

I admit that a few times when I've been "helped" in public, my first reaction is to act defensive or flippant--and yes, it's all about ME feeling judged, and not the person who's trying to help (though sometimes, people do try to help in really obnoxious, UNHELPFUL ways--and it doesn't sound like this is the case for you at all!) Usually when I feel myself reacting that way I can trace it to something: it's the end of a bad, stressful shopping trip where the kids were acting up, for example. Or I wasn't being as careful as I should have, and now I feel stupid. It's really not about you, it's about the parent!

[Vanessa Druckman]

Rebecca,
Keep helping and don't worry about the mothers. Imagine if that child had run out into the street and you'd seen it happen... With my three kids, I certainly get a fair share of comments in the supermarket, some helpful, some not, but I know they're coming from a desire to help.