What's Up with all these Twin Births...Welcome to the World of Reproductive Medicine

My weekly Staten Island Advance Column, Kids in the City just came out today where I briefly reveal my struggle to get pregnant with my second child.

With my daughter, my husband and I were like; hmm...it would be great to get pregnant and literally nine months later, without even really trying, we got pregnant. With my son, it was a completely different experience. At the time, like many other women, I just assumed that as an early thirties Mom, as soon as my husband and I started "trying" to get pregnant, we'd be blessed with another little fetus.

Suffice it to say, we spent months trying. Very much like Halle Berry's recent admission that she kept her negative pregnancy test result sticks in a drawer, I too, would hold onto those urine sticks, in the hopes that perhaps that second blue line might magically appear.

I remember feeling a profound cocktail of emotions; sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, and having to come to terms with what I felt was my failure as a woman...

We spent seven unsuccessful months in our attempts to conceive the "natural way" we even tried every position listed in the Kama Sutra, I loaded up on fertile foods, spent hours post coital with my legs resting over my head...anything to get those little swimmers where they needed to go.

Finally, we admitted defeat, and began our long journey into the world of infertility and reproductive medicine.

Being told I was too young to do anything invasive, I was put on the popular fertility drug Clomid and was warned to do my best to limit my stress, and stop worrying... which of course is the ultimate Catch-22. How do you keep from being worried about getting pregnant, when the stress of trying and continually failing is making you miserable and even more stressed out?

I spent months sitting with other women in the infertility office, commiserating as we told each other, perfect strangers, our stories in the hopes of finding a kindred spirit in one another.

Those countless 5:30 am blood tests, sonograms, hopeful inseminations--which my husband and I unluckily endured twice and which were slightly uncomfortable for my husband who was forced to empty his specimen into a cup which we then covered in blankets to keep it warm and vital. We'd speed over to the Dr.'s office, trying in vein to bypass every red light- filled with the hope that this would be the day we'd make a baby.

Our marriage was faltering under the extreme pressure to conceive. It became my singular mission, and each month when my period came, the reality of having to endure another month' s battery of blood tests and treatments were often more than I could bear.

My doctor was finally ready to get a little more aggressive; we did a round of injections, tons of sonograms, blood tests, an insemination and on a sunny June morning my home pregnancy test revealed two blue lines--and we were ecstatic.

As if we didn't feel blessed enough, the sonogram revealed two little heartbeats--which my Dr. had mentioned is a likelihood with fertility medications--and it seemed as though our hearts couldn't possibly stand any more joy or they might very well burst.

Unfortunately, our journey didn't end there- we didn't sail off into the sunset with our twins and older daughter--as I mention in my Staten Island Advance column... My husband and I were both ecstatic, shocked and ran through all the emotions that couples mull over when they find out they're going to deliver twins. Unfortunately at 11 weeks, I miscarried one of the fetuses, but thankfully, I was able to carry the remaining one to term, who has become my little Jackson.

For every Mom-to-be struggling with fertility; what is the best way to handle those nagging persistent questions, like, when are you going to have another baby? In my case I told them point blank, "Listen Aunt Martha, it's not like I haven't been trying, I've only been sitting at home every other night injecting myself, etc."

How do you get through it? How do you deal with friends, even family members, who are able to get pregnant so easily and carry a baby to term, without resenting them? And finally, when is it time to stop... how long should you keep trying?

New York City Moms Blog Post, Cross Posted from Kids in the City  and Hybrid Moms

Comments

[Beth B.]

I went through 5 miscarriages then a round of fertility between kids. So my advice is for more people to talk about it so it is not hush hush. Other moms can see that fertility challenges happen so we just need to support each other. And to tell family members not to keep asking the "when" question. I used to tell my friends and family that I will tell them when the time is right, and for that time in between to talk about something else.

[Angelice]

OMG! I know what you are talking about, everywhere you turn another set pops up! So I wanted to send you a quick note and share something special with you.

My hubby and I learned much more about the female anatomy than I ever thought we would until when we ended up at the fertility specialist!

Now, as a mom of 2 1/2 year old twins I was baffled to realize very quickly there was NOTHING out there for my twins to give to friends or family for holidays, in the way of greeting cards. Just something simple and easy to send or bring to a birthday party they were invited to.

After falling into the black-hole of major depression, I woke up one day and decided I was going to launch this company and give back to the 'multiples' community. I have never felt better and hope that you may find enjoyment in my cards and share with others.

Double the love-

angelice
mom of jackson & nicholas...and sarah

[Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central]

Well, my husband and I have certainly had our own roller coaster ride to parenthood. We went through 4 ectopic pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 3 failed adoptions, and 2 failed IVF attempts before finally having our twins who are 3 years old today.

When to give up? Hmm...it's hard to say. We both said that if the next IVF didn't work, we'd quit because he was 50 and I was 47. We felt we had given it our best shot and tried everything possible under the sun, so what else was there to do? We knew our last attempt was possibly the end of a long ten year journey and that we might never become parents. Today, being 50 and 54 with twin 3 year olds is very hard sometimes, but also very joyful and fulfilling. They have brought a lot of love to our hearts and we cherish them. But honestly, we're not sure if we would have continued on with the fertility treatments had we known how difficult it would be as you get into your 50's. But, maybe we would. I don't know. It's the biggest catch-22 situation I've ever been in. Being parents is wonderful, being 50-year-old parents of preschoolers is challenging, to say the least.

[Akemi/svtwinmom]

For a funny, engaging and poignant read, I'd highly recommend Peggy Orenstein's book, "Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother."

[Bernadette]

Never stop trying. Once menopause comes, it is all over, and if you didn't keep trying, you'd live in regret about what could have been if you didn't give up. (My little boy sits in his bouncer sleeping after more than three years of looking for a second blue line every single month.)

[Deborah]

I too am an infertility survivor. I endured 3 clomid cycles, 2 failed IVFs, one spontaneous pregnancy (right after a failed IVF) which ended in miscarriage at 7 weeks, a failed donor IVF cycle (yes, that's really unusual) and finally conceived my son in the first donor IVF cycle with my second donor.

For when to give up - I don't agree that you should never stop trying. For your own sanity, I think you need to decide sometime that you've given the process as much of your time and energy as you are willing to, and decide when you're going to stop. I stopped trying IVF with my own eggs when it got too emotionally hard. Infertility is a physical and (especially) emotional roller coaster. I'm convinced that its struggles helped push me into the severe postpartum depression which followed the birth of my son.

As for how to deal with the questions, it's like dealing with any other rude question which is frankly no one else's business. You can make it into a joke, you can act shocked that anyone would consider asking such a thing, or you can be blunt and tell the person it's none of their business. It can also help to consider limiting how much information you reveal to others. If someone asks you when you're going to have kids (or more kids) you can joke that you and your husband are trying every night (and give them a leering smile and an evil laugh). Or you can be non-committal and say "well, maybe soon, we haven't decided". I don't know if it's still there, but the website for Resolve, the national infertility support organization, had some guidelines on how to deal with these kind of questions when you're struggling with infertility. They also had a valuable guide for caring family and friends with what to say and what not to say to someone you know is dealing with infertility.

[Liz]

I wish I could write a concise response in these comments to cover your questions, but I wrestle with the same ones every day.

6 years and 11 months after we starting trying to conceive I delivered a sweet girl. (pregnany started at twins, I too lost one at around 11 weeks). 11 days PRIOR to her arrival, her "older" brother arrived via adoption. I still deal with family members and friends and the concept of infertility.

Are we done "trying", dunno. The first 7 and 5 weeks have been wonderful, difficult, tiring and exhilirating at the same time.