Am I a Good Mommy?

New York is full of Type A personalities aka workaholics aka over-achievers.  In many cases, this also applies to how we raise our children.  In what was considered a shocking turn of events by my family, friends and co-workers, I made a last minute decision to stay home with our son two years ago.  Up until that day, I poured a huge amount of energy and time into climbing the corporate ladder.  I had big goals to make Vice President in the next few years.  I worked late regularly and believed missing personal obligations because of work commitments was perfectly acceptable.  Then I became a mom and all of the energy I had once poured into my career, I put into raising my child. 

When Jack was born, he had a crazy bad case of colic that was partially induced by a crazy bad case of acid reflux.  He basically cried almost non-stop for the first 5 months of his life.  I read every parenting book, attended birth and childcare classes, and researched colic and acid reflux extensively to find the best ways to help.  I breastfed, despite some big time problems, because I thought it was really important.  When it came time for Jack to eat solid food, I did another mountain of research, bought a stack of baby food cookbooks and made almost every bite that went into his mouth by hand – all organic, of course.  I hauled him to music sign language classes and movement classes to improve his gross motor skills.  I made sure we read at least 6 baby board books a day.  Absolutely no television until the age of two!  In short, I tried my very, very best to be what I thought was the perfect mother.

In the most recent issue of New York Magazine, Ayelet Waldman discusses the phenomenon of the Bad Mommy Brigade in today’s society: how we all love to jump all over the celebrity bad mommies just to prove to ourselves that we aren’t as terrible as they are. 

She also talks about the definitions of Good Mommies and Good Daddies today.  Good Daddies according to Waldman are available to their families.  They help out with the big moments when work allows – like being the birth coach or taking on bath time or attend the soccer games.  Perfect daddy status is attainable. 

However, being a Good Mommy she says is impossible according to today’s standards.  The list of requirements is long and detailed.  Her position is that no one woman can truly ever be fulfilled by motherhood in today’s culture.  Either the stay at home mom is frustrated by her lack of fulfillment in a career or the career mom is frustrated by her inability to juggle home and office.  Perfect mommy status is completely unattainable by the criterion laid out.

Her comments have really stuck with me.  Aren’t I a Good Mommy?   Much of my current identity is wrapped up in how well I am performing my current job.  Without reviews from bosses, I can only perform self-evaluations.  Would I give myself a raise?  Or even a pat on the back?  I couldn’t help but check off each mention of every important good mommy task in the article – and make notes of things I hadn’t yet thought of (note to self: volunteer in the community). Then I ask myself why I want this “perfect mommy” status – is it because I want to raise a super, awesome kid who will be a major contributor to society or because I don’t want the other overachiever moms at the playground to judge my parenting skills and find them lacking? 

Then came more niggling questions: how long should I stay home with the kids?  Is my career life over?  What comes next?  Have I somehow relegated myself to being both a stay at home mom and spouse until the end of my days?  I am due with baby #2 in just seven weeks and in the back of my mind, I have tossed around the idea of finding a job outside the home again sooner rather than later.  Part of me is just scared of having to handle the day to day world of two small children at home alone by myself (how did my mother do it??), but part of me misses a salary, a pat on the back for a job well done and a chance to use my brain for more than developing healthy, nutritious menus for all of us three plus times a day.

I don’t yet have any answers to these questions, but I do want to embrace the idea of backing off on the comparisons and competitions.  I want to try to be a good mommy, but I want to do it for the right reasons.  I am not sure I have even finished defining for myself what a good mommy is but I want to continue to work on that definition using the mirror of my children’s faces to see what kind of job I am doing.  I also want to be a bit more sympathetic to the public Bad Mommies.  Her parenting skills aren’t a reflection on mine.  I try to keep repeating my parenting mantra which is every family has to do what works for them.  It’s the only way to stay sane in this crazy parenting world.

Just as a footnote, Ayelet Waldman wrote the article in the NY Times a few years back called “Truly, Madly, Guiltily” where she said in front of the world that she loved her husband more than her children.  This touched off a major controversy so she definitely knows what she is talking about when she writes about being a Bad Mommy in the public eye.