Let's Talk

Growing up, communication was not something that happened very often in my family.  There would be idle chit-chat around the dinner table, but that's all I really remember.  (Guess I should be grateful we did eat meals together at least!)  Instead, we communicated through innuendos and actions.  Not an easy thing for a child to deal with--or an adult for that matter.  In fact, I don't remember the words "I love you" being said until after a topic in psychology class that covered it.

I remember the first time I told my mom I loved her.  It was so difficult to get those words out!  And I think it surprised the heck out of her!  But, she recovered and said it back to me.  Saying "I love you" to her gradually got easier each time I told her.

The first time I remember saying it to my father was on my wedding day.  He had walked me down the aisle and lifted my veil, and I said, "I love you."  His response was, "What?"  LOL!  (He really hadn't heard me.)  So much for the 'touching moment' I was going for! 

My father and I never had the typical 'father/daughter' bond.  After my daughter was born, and I saw how my ex was with her, I really resented my dad for not giving me that relationship.  At times, I still feel sad that I was never 'daddy's little girl'.

I'm not saying I had a terrible childhood.  For the most part, I think it was a pretty good one.  However, the lack of communication in our household helped me to consciously decide that I was going to do things differently with my own family.

Though I'm sure my kids will have their own stories to tell of their childhoods (hopefully none that would kill me!), they will never be able to say that they weren't told they were loved!  If anything at all, they may say both their dad and I overdid it!  But, you know what?  I can live with that!  :-)

Perhaps because of the way I grew up, I often find it difficult to express myself verbally.  For some reason, I feel I am much more adequate (as well as more comfortable) voicing my thoughts and feelings in writing.  In a few circumstances, that's a positive; in most?  Not so good.

Because I saw these shortcomings in myself, I've always tried to encourage my children to be the opposite.  I tried to make it crystal clear that what they had to say was important, and that they could talk to me about anything at any time.  For the most part, it seems to have worked.  All four of my children are pretty outspoken, but in a polite and dignified way.  Unlike their mom, they won't be used as doormats, because they'll speak up for themselves.  This makes me very proud!

Communication:  Big word, simple theory, sometimes difficult to employ.

Original post to New Jersey Moms Blog.  Stacey Dadich also blogs at realworldmom.com, thesaltymooch.com and The Anthill.