Her First Official Break-Up

Yesterday, while lunching with a friend, I received a cryptic text message on my cell phone from another friend (let’s call her “B”). I read the four words no one wants to read. “We need to talk”. I hate those words. They usually mean something is going to happen and it may not have a good ending.

I replied to “B” with another text message. Three or four texts later, we settled that we would talk around 9pm. Now, I am wracking my brain, trying to think what might have happened, did I say something wrong.

Now – a little background on “B”. I adore her as she is really funny and goofy. We have been friends for about five yeas as our girls have shared a lot of the same activities. She may not be the smartest person, in fact, she refers to herself as “a blonde”. She is married to the nicest guy and they have three beautiful children (girl 12, girl 8, boy 6). They look like a family you’d see in a Disney catalog, all wearing the same style pajamas, with their two Golden Retrievers. Now, Girl 12 plays/hangs with Eldest (who is almost 12) and Girl 8 plays with Youngest who is also 8. The two 8 year olds are constantly together, playing and acting silly and having a great time. The older girls haven’t had too much time to hang out lately as they both have crazy (and completely different) schedules. They are also complete opposites – Girl is tall and blonde and into gymnastics and softball while Youngest is more petite with brown hair and completely into horses/riding, high honor roll, Girl Scouts, and volleyball.

So, I text “B” at 830pm, while Eldest is in the shower and Youngest is heading off to bed. According to “B”, when she texts back, she is having a hectic night and could we meet for drinks. Ohhh boy – what the heck does she need to say to me where she needs a drink?! We plan on meeting at 930pm at a local bar/restaurant. I arrive on time and find her sitting at a table with a glass of wine. As soon as I sit down next to her, a waitress pops up and takes my order (glass of zin please!) I figured I might need a drink myself since I was unsure of what was going to happen.

We exchanged pleasantries and then she just came out with it. She wanted to talk about the text. Now, this text message was discovered by myself in one of Eldest's friend's cell phone. Let's call her Friend 12. Before you think I was snooping, let me explain. About two weeks ago, Friend 12's Mom and I were discussing text messaging and just how out of control is it getting with a lot of girls. Eldest does not have a cell phone but is desperate to have one since "ALL her friends have one!" Friend 12's Mom is not computer or cell phone savvy and mentioned that she didn't even know how to check the messages her daughter sent or received. I offered to show her and she handed me the cell phone.

As I was showing her how to do it, I stumbled across several messages sent and exchanged from Friend 12 to Girl 12 (see above). At the time, Girl 12 was at my home, hainging out with Eldest. When Friend 12 asked what she was doing, Girl 12 replied that she was with Eldest and was "so bored". Friend 12 replied with "Ha Ha".

When I read that message, my heart just dropped. I was devestated. My poor daughter. Then, I got pissed. But, I had to keep it pulled together because Friend 12's Mom was also reading the same messages with me. SO - Friend 12's Mom told Girl 12's Mom ("B") what happened, which resulted in the meeting for drinks last night.

"B" met with me to tell me that Girl 12 wasn't really into hanging with Eldest on a one on one basis. They were, essentially, breaking up or "frumping". I had already figured that out after reading that text message so this wasn't a surprise. We had a full conversation about it and I understand completely. The girls have very few things in common at this time in their lives. I am still upset about how this situation went down but luckily Eldest is unaware of the text message. "B" told her daughter that I had found the message. Girl 12 was upset because she didn't mean to hurt Eldest's feelings or to get me upset. Girl 12 is, for the most part, a very well mannered and nice girl.. but.. I have to wonder.. was she truly being mean or just being something else?

This situation reminded me of the Katie Couric piece written for NY Moms Blog about mean girls (and boys) online. Once something is placed on the internet or in a text message, you don't know where it will end up or who will be reading it.

I'm just so sad for my daughter right now.

... an original post to New Jersey Moms Blog.

Comments

[Lynette {Radio}]

That breaks my heart!! My daughter (6) is BFF with the girl down the street - and they fight weekly. We live in a fairly rural area, so the neighbor is one of the only opportunities to go run outside and play, without requiring a car trip. I fear what their relationship will be like in their teens. Drifting away from a friendship is much easier than dumping, I'm sure you will help your daughter through it!

[Liz@thisfullhouse]

I agree with Lynette. I have three daughters (14, 12, 6) and (as you already know) the mind games are killing me, already.

Mini-me (the 6 yo) is having a similar issue with a friend, who told her that she just wasn't into her anymore.

Unfortunately, bff announced it in front of Mini-me AND her three other bff's.

Did I mention, she's 6?

Girls are hard and drifting is way better than getting all wrapped up in all that emotional baggage.

Hugs to Eldest and please tell her that we love her!

[Mary Kate]

My heart sank just reading this post. The pain of adolescence was hard enough and I dread having to experience it through my daughter's eyes. It's good that your friend talked to you directly about the situation but I hope she talked to her daughter as well. There is definitely a difference between outgrowing a friendship and dumping (frumping?) someone.

[Father of Two Girls]

Max, my now 10 year old, had a BFF, lets call her Dee whom she met when both were 8 and new to their schools. Two years on while Dee's dad and I had become buddies, Dee grows in to her queen bee avatar and dumps Max; not just that she keeps picking on her and asking other friends to pick sides. Its been the hardest thing to stand on the sidelines and only coach (not always effectively) and let Max handle it herself. So I know how you feel. I find something in fifth grade seems to bring the mean streak out in girls and its eight grade before they work it out.

[Stacey @Real World Mom]

That is heartbreaking! I'm sorry you saw that text message, but I'm really glad that Eldest did NOT!