Facebook, Facebook: On my Wall

There's a little problem in Facebookland. My daughter is stealing all my Facebook Friends.

I was a little worried about this when I allowed her to have her own page. I mean, how can someone as young and vibrant as me have a kid who's on Facebook? I'm not the Mom on Facebook. I'm the one bitching about her Mom being on Facebook. Like OMG. Privacy Settings! For Realz Peeps!

But the poor kid was so persistant, and showed me all her friend's Facebook pages and when I still wouldn't hook her up she played the "educational" card. See, her same-age distant cousin in Israel has a page and it would be the perfect way for them to stay in touch and be pen pals and and and...

I relented. It was the beginning of the end for me. Little did I know, that my days as "Fairest of Them All" were numbered.

Shortly after granting my daughter's wish to live in the online Realm of Facebook, I logged onto my account to see who had written on my wall most recently. No biggie. I do this about 637 times a day. Except this time I recoiled in horror. No one had written on my wall. It was empty. Crickets were not even chirping. And where a funny/witty/complimentary "you are awesome" note should have been there was a notification:

Dawn wrote on Mxxxx'S wall "Hey M! You look awesome in your halloween Pix!" (Sorry I am not telling you my daughter's name - she has enough damn friends, 'kay?!)

A few hours later it got even worse. That's when all the +1 notifications started to show up. Mxxxx is friends with Whitney. Mxxxx is friends with Fabiana. Mxxxx is friends with Cheryl. Um hello? Aren't there cyber dwarves out there that she should be cavorting with? Or at the very least, some people who are short, boring and born in the latter half of the 90s? Who don't talk about blow jobs in their status updates? It was unsettling. And not just because she was getting more popular than me (although I did once search for a poison apple app., just saying).

The disturbing part was that all of the sudden Facebook was making me feel old. Which is the opposite of why I got addicted to Facebook. My Wall was no longer reflecting the High School version of Ciaran (no wrinkles, damn I look good!) back at me. Instead some guy in a mask is nagging me to check my daughter's privacy filters. Cause she really does not need to click on that link to that funny youtube vid about sex toys that so and so just posted. OMG OMG. I am a mom!!!

Don't worry. You don't need to call CPS. Or stop posting blow job related updates if you are friends with me and also friends with my daughter. Her email comes through me and I have tampered with her Facebook account settings liberally to protect the innocent one.  She hasn't logged onto her account in a couple of weeks now. Apparently, with all her youth and beauty she's too busy attending parties with princes and witches and hanging out with her posse of real life dwarf admirers.  Which is fine with me. I've got my wall back.