Overthrowing the Kindergarchy

Recently, I was driving down a popular street in Santa Monica and, as I sat at a red light, I noticed a little scene playing out on the sidewalk in front of a coffee shop.  This tableau included a woman, a man and their son, who looked to be about four years old.  I could not hear the dialogue, but the body language said it all.

The parents stood on either side of the child, tilting toward him in supplication.  Arms were extended as pleas were made, but to no avail.  They stroked the child's silky hair, made exaggerated smiley-faces and hopped around with excitement as if to show the child just how wonderful it would be if only he would consent to doing whatever it was they wanted him to do.  The child, on the other hand, was unmoved in the extreme.  So much so, in fact, that he vehemently crossed his arms, stamped his feet and shook his head NO.  The parents' shoulders sagged in defeat as they exchanged expressions of resigned acceptance across the top of the child's head.

Request denied.  Better luck next time.

As the light changed and I drove away, it occurred to me that what I had just witnessed was less of a family outing and more of a hostage situation.

Just last week, while grocery shopping in our local market, I saw a mom engaged in desperate negotiations with her five-year-old daughter who could be heard several aisles away lodging loud complaints that she was [gasp!] not having fun.

"Please," the mom said, "I know you don't want to be here but Mommy really needs to do the shopping, okay?  Is that all right with you?  It would be so nice if you would let Mommy finish getting the groceries, okay? Please?"

On second thought, that's not negotiating.  That's just plain begging.

When did the children take over?  Did they sneak into my purse while I was watching "All My Children" and lift the car keys?  Did I unknowingly sign over my power of attorney thinking I was ordering a school t-shirt?

I don't think I'm the only one who's troubled by the mounting evidence that there's been a power shift in our society from the grown-ups to the children.  In fact, enough people have registered this shift that it now has its own pop-culture handle, as defined by WordSpy:

Kindergarchy  n.  Rule or domination by children; the belief that children's needs and preferences take precedence over those of their parents or other adults.

First seen in the Wall Street Journal in November of 2007, the term kindergarchy has popped up in European media as well, including a hilariously acerbic article by Sylvia Patterson in Ireland's Sunday Tribune (July 13, 2008) titled, "Let's Put Some Misery Back in Our Children's Lives."

As much comedic material as this trend generates, though, it also gives one pause.

In my opinion, two of the most important tasks of parenting are to keep one's children safe and to prepare them to function (and, ideally, flourish) in society at large once they are ready to transition out of parental care.  I think allowing children to adopt the tyrannical viewpoint that their wishes and preferences should dictate the reality of those around them (including parents and other adults) - and then handing them the power to enforce that viewpoint by giving up parental boundaries and authority - works directly against the successful completion of these two important tasks.

I did some research, hoping to come across a pithy quote that would illustrate this point.  This is what I found:

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.  ~ Robert Heinlein

I interpret this to mean it is a mistake - as well as a disservice - to try to smooth out or eliminate every single bump and discomfort in the road as our children move through life rather than help them learn the skills to navigate the bumps and overcome the discomforts they inevitably will encounter along the way.

Sometimes we don't get to do what we want.  Sometimes we have to be patient.  Sometimes we're not the boss.  Sometimes it's not all about us.  Sometimes we need to improve ourselves.  Sometimes we don't win.  Sometimes we have to suck it up.

These are realities in the world of grown-ups.

If the goal is to raise children who will someday turn into grown-ups who are well-adjusted, resilient and with whom other people actually want to spend time, then we do children no favor when we allow them to slip through childhood without learning these invaluable skills.

This is an original post to LA Moms Blog.

Anna Lefler is a novelist and standup comic who lives with her husband and their children in Santa Monica, California.  She also blogs about family, life at large and aerosol cheese at her personal humor blog, Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder.