Debunking the "evil" myth, one step at a time

The two most common images of the Stepmother are the "wicked" fairytale variety and Carol Brady. Wicked Stepmother knew her husband already had children when she married him, but would prefer them out of the picture (and the house) - and isn't particular about how that happens. Unlike her, Carol steps so easily into her new role that her husband's sons are soon calling her "Mom." Carol and Wicked do have something in common, though - neither of them has to deal with their stepchildren's original mother. These days, when marriages are far more likely to end by divorce than the death of a spouse, Wicked would get away very little and Carol would have more boundaries, because Mom is probably still very much in her kids' lives.

Not long after I married my second husband, a father of two, my first husband asked me, "How does it feel being Mom again?" He should have known better. I'm not "Mom" to my stepchildren, and I think that's the way it should be. They have a mother, and she shares custody (60/40) with their father; I'm Dad's new partner, but I am not taking Mom's place. My ex-husband should have known better since he was remarried already, and his second wife is not "Mom" to our son.

I've been a stepmother for almost two years, and I think the main reason I haven't found it more intimidating is that I was a mother for many years first - my son is ten years older than my stepdaughter. (I have a special respect for anyone whose first exposure to parenting is as a stepparent. Bless your hearts.) Having already raised one boy, I had some idea what to expect with Stepson. On the other hand, my first involvement in raising a girl child started when said girl was already twelve years old, so adolescence is just around the corner.

Even though I'm not "Mom," I am involved in raising these two children now, and I view my role with a very strong sense of responsibility. After all, it's one thing to mess up your own kids, but you need to be extra careful with someone else's. I'm living with one of their parents, and I really want to make sure I have a decent relationship with the other one. I'm spending enough time with her kids to be a significant influence in their lives; I want to be a good one, and I want their mother to trust me about that - and that I won't be trying to usurp her place. I've become part of her shared-custody arrangement with their father, and it can require a lot of diplomacy and balancing of personalities to make that work out.

For the most part, I think ours does. Sometimes I think she likes me better than she likes their dad (makes sense, I guess, since she's the one who divorced him...and since I didn't meet him till some time later, I'm not part of that baggage).

Stepdaughter has sometimes referred to me as her "second mom," and I appreciate that. I'm not a replacement - I'm a supplement. I'm another adult that she and her brother can look to for care and support, without taking anything away from their "real" parents. When it functions well, it's like a three-person parenting tag-team. It's not perfect - there are differences in some of the house rules at each home, which isn't ideal, and their parents do still have to work together, which I doubt thrills either of them - but most of the time it's not bad.

Parenting is known for not having an instruction manual, and step-parenting may be even more of a trial-end-error enterprise. For the most part, I think I've really lucked out so far - no huge errors, and the no trials of the by-fire variety. I appreciate every day that my worst nightmare hasn't come to pass - I haven't provoked either of my stepchildren to yell at me, "I don't have to listen to you - you're not my mom!" - and I hope it never does. I know I'm not their mom. They know I'm not their mom. I think we all know that I'm not trying to be their mom. I'm their stepmother - not wicked or evil, and not a substitute. I'm not their mom, and I don't want to take her place - but I really hope they think of me as the next best thing to their mom.

An original Los Angeles Moms Blog post

Florinda Pendley Vasquez also blogs at The 3 R's: Reading, 'Riting, and Randomness, where the "randomness" component sometimes includes her husband and stepchildren.