We're Both the Real Mom, No Matter What the Cost

I am currently pregnant -- almost 7 months -- for the second time. My partner and also I have a toddler son, Noah.

In lesbian families, two questions come up frequently when someone is pregnant or the family is out somewhere in public.

The first question usually goes something like this, "Er. Um. If you don't mind my asking...how does a lesbian get pregnant?"

There are a lot of different answers to that, but for me, and for nearly everyone I know personally, the answer involves a fairly surreal online shopping experience, followed by a lot of specialized doctor's visits. These are the same resources used by straight couples in infertility treatment.

The second question, when we're out in public with our son, is some variation on, "Which one of you is the Mom?"

I don't have a pithy, emotionally detached answer to that one. I can smile and say, "We're both the Mom," but it nearly always triggers an emotional reaction. Who wouldn't get upset at hearing their spouse's parental status being implicitly minimized or denied?

In some contexts, I'll give a more full answer, like "I gave birth to him, but we're both his legal parents."

And that's the part I really wanted to talk about today.

Because our family has no legally recognized status in our state, or in most states in the US, or most countries in the world, we have to jump through hoops you wouldn't believe in order to protect our family and make sure that if something happened to one of us -- especially if something happened to me -- that Noah would be safe and be raised by his other mother.

We are lucky. We were able to obtain what is generally called a "second parent" or "step-parent" adoption, so that Jill could legally adopt Noah without my parental rights being severed.

Many states don't allow for any such option. My home state, Wisconsin, does not recognize same-sex parents as being eligible for such adoptions. Neither does Virginia, where we used to live.

But that luck comes with a hefty price tag in lawyer's fees. Here, roughly $3,000.00, if nothing is excessively complicated or goes seriously wrong. That's each time you do it, of course, and is over and above the medical costs of fertility treatment and eventual delivery. If we are lucky this time and have an uncomplicated birth and adoption, our out of pocket costs for having two children and legally securing them to both of their mommies will be roughly $20,000.

Of course it's worth it -- can you legally married moms imagine if your husband (whom for the sake of this paragraph, I'm assuming is also the father of your children) had no legal relationship to your child or children? If you weren't fully confident that he could take them to the Emergency Room at the Hospital and be recognized as their parent while they were treated? If something happened to him and your child was not eligible for his Social Security survivor benefits?

That's why, in addition to saving for new baby gear and goodies, and for expenses during my maternity leave, we're also saving money for jumping through all these legal hoops over again. Noah's anticipated little sister deserves all the same legal protections. And both of her mommies deserve to be acknowledged as her parents.

But I sure can imagine other ways to spend $20,000. Or even just the roughly $9,000 we'll have spent on adoption related expenses.

This is an original Deep South Moms Blog post. Liza also blogs at LizaWasHere.