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May 21, 2009

Wearing the mom bathing suit

Mom bathing suit Sigh.

I just got back from a short trip to Miami (good) which afforded me the chance to lie out at the hotel pool for the first time in a long time (good). Unfortunately, it had to be in a sea of young, beautiful women in bikinis (bad). Women (girls?) with normal appearing abdominal skin, no stretch marks, no strange lines, no dilapidated belly buttons, and very. large. perky. boobs (very, very bad).

Me, on the other hand, wore a black polka dot tankini (read: OLD FOGEY) that I bought sight unseen from Land's End online, for the love of God. Yes, I said Land's End. You know you've reached a new level of old when you're buying bathing suits from Land's End. (I have not, however, bought jeans from them which is my last hold out.)

I can't tell you how elderly and conservative I felt wearing my tankini. Maybe in a different "pool", I'd feel classy and sophisticated. Instead, all I needed was a ball of yarn and knitting needles to complete my oldie look, there at the pool of my trendy hotel. All around the pool were packs of predatory men checking out all of the beautiful women in skimpy bikinis. .I was so not even close to prey. (Back in the day....)

It's a little hard to accept that all of my bikini wearing days are over. Forever. I mean, barring some kind of belly-button reconstruction surgery and large-surface skin grafts, I can't imagine ever wearing a bikini. Ever. Does this mean a life of full-coverage bathing suits with skirts?

Gah.

I've heard of mythological mother creatures who popped out babies and have nothing to show for it, skin-wise. I hate them. I'm convinced that some of them (e.g. Kelly Ripa) may be part alien.

Because it's not fair. Having to wear the mom bathing suit forever is not fair. At least when it comes to sunny days by the rented cabanas in Miami.

Original DC Metro Moms Blog post.

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