The Strength of Children

Recently, our fellow DC Metro Moms, Lawyer Mama, blogged about trying to explain what war is to her young son.  I feel her pain, because I am now in the unenviable position of having to explain to my youngest daughter, who is 9, that her grandmother (my mother) has cancer, and might not be with us much longer.

I'm at something of a loss.  My dad says just lay it on her, that she is strong and will work through it faster without a lot of circumlocution.  I suppose he is right, Soccer Girl is bright and she is strong. intuitive I am sure she will be alright.  Maybe it's just me.  I suppose I'll have to work through my own "stuff" before I can talk cogently about all of this to her.

I got nothin'

Advice welcome.

GF

Comments

[Linda]

First, let me say, I am SO sorry to hear about your mother. Cancer sucks. We are at the same place. My mother probably won't be with us very long and we're surprised--with Stage 4--she has made it almost a year already. But my son who is 4, often asks about what happens when people die. We've told him people who are sick or old die and go to heaven. He's not quite getting the 'forever' part of it all. It has been easier to talk about now that I've gotten my head around it a bit more. But right now, we're trying to fill their little heads with lots of great memories of their grandmother...taking lots of pictures and video of them together to make the memories real later on. So I would LOVE to hear other people's thoughts on doing this, too. My prayers to your whole family.

[MamaBird/SurelyYouNest]

I'm so sorry about your mother. I don't have any sage advice (younger kids).

[Caitlin]

My little brother had just turned 10 when our grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. My sister was almost 13. I was the only one my parents told, since I turned 16 the day my grandfather found out and was "adult enough" to know.

It was much harder for my siblings when my grandfather took a sudden turn for the worst and passed away 3 days later. It was still hard for me, but I had about 4 months to get used to the idea and I knew it was coming at some point. It was also easier on my grandfather, when it was just me visiting, because he didn't have to worry about letting something about cancer slip into the conversation.

I would tell your daughter as best you can. Losing a parent isn't easy. Some days will be harder on you than others will, and she will pick up on that. She probably will pick up on her grandmother being sick at some point and if she knows, she'll probably feel more comfortable coming to you if she needs a shoulder to cry on than if she feels like it's a secret she's not supposed to know.

I don't know if you are religious, but if you are, you might want to see if your church/temple has any resources for this type of situation. And if you're not, having a chance to spend more time with her grandmother while she's relatively well will help your daughter a lot when she's ready for closure. It really helped me a lot, because I did get to say the important things, like "I love you" and "Thank you" before my grandfather died.

I'm sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. I wish you the best during this difficult time.

[Nancy]

I'm so sorry. This is tough. We went through something on a smaller scale (loss of a pet) recently and it was very hard to try and explain her loss to my older daughter, who is 6 -- particularly given that we're not a very religious family.

The one thing that did help somewhat is to remind my daughter that our loved ones live on in our hearts even when they are gone. This gives me comfort even though I'm not certain what I believe about heaven and the afterlife, and it seems to help her too.

I'm thinking of you and your family.

[Suzie]

So sorry to hear about this - my thoughts are with your entire family. I lost my mom about a year and a half ago and it was tough on everyone. We basically told the boys (6, 4, 4 at the time) that Mimi had something in her head that didn't belong, and that it was going to make her very sick, and she was going to die. They lost a cat earlier that year (13 year old cat) so they had the general idea, but kids that age didn't get the permanence of death, or so I thought. It took the little boys about a year to understand that she was finally gone, but being honest with them and answering their questions along the way really helped. We aren't religious, but some kids might be comforted by that if that's part of their belief system. But the main thing is to be honest and be as supportive to her as possible. Let her know that you will be sad, that it's OK to cry and miss her grandma, and that you will be there for her if she has questions.

That said, I had loud shout outs in grocery stores about the dead grandma for almost a year, and people were appalled when they heard my cute little men discussing death. Thing was, they were processing and this wasn't a thing to put off - there's no "right time" to discuss this - anytime works. THere are a few books out there that might help for her age specifically - the stuff that we had was for younger kids who couldn't quite grasp the permanence of death. She's a little older and needs a slightly different explanation - one that she can understand and process.

Again, my thoughts are with you guys.

[Rox]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm no expert on how to explain what's happening, but the suggestion that I can offer is to spend time all together while you can. We have not dealt with imminent loss in my family, but with loads of aging grandparents (and, thank God, even one set of great-grandparents), I try hard to make sure that my kids see them often enough to get to know them. With my oldest (8), I want her to remember hearing the stories of how they had to crank their first car to get it to go, what it was like to live before TV... or for my parents, she asks why Elvis and the Beatles were such a big deal. Those are the things that kids will remember -- that, and the comfort foods, and the big hugs, and, most of all, perhaps, the stories of when their parents were little. So, I say soak it all up -- and know that you're all in our prayers.