Minority Report: Raising "Other" Kids

I grew up in Miami -- a.k.a. the capital of of Latin America -- where being from a Spanish-speaking family is the norm, not the exception. It's not the kind of city that followers of Lou Dobbs would feel welcome in ... Spanish is the dominant language in many neighborhoods, and the Latino community is quite powerful. I never felt like a "minority." In fact, of the 800+ seniors in my high school's graduating class, at least half of the top 2% were Latinos, including the valedictorian, whose family had arrived in Miami during the Mariel boatlift.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a working-class suburb in central Pennsylvania. Although his parents had a relatively large circle of Chinese and Vietnamese friends, he was one of the few Asian students in his public schools. He only heard Cantonese and Vietnamese spoken in his home or at their favorite restaurants. He knew he was a "minority" from the get go, even though he never felt targeted or discriminated against.

Fourteen years after meeting in college and seven years after getting married, we now have three kids who have been called "exotic," "double minorities," or in the case of official documents, "other." Given our completely different experiences with being a minority in the United States, it often requires a good bit of introspection about identity, heritage, language, etc. to answer the sometimes insensitive, often harmless, frequently-asked question: "What are you? What are your kids?"

The answer isn't as easy as you'd think. When the nurse drawing my newborn son's blood for a mandatory screening matter-of-factly said, "I'm marking 'Asian' as his race," I felt offended. Yes, I know he's Asian, but he's not ONLY Asian. When I asked if she could check more than one box or if there was an "other" box with a blank space, she curtly answered "No." Great, even the State of Maryland doesn't know what to do with the delicate question of what my kids "are."

On paper, people naturally assume the kids (and I, for that matter, if I don't use my maiden and married name) are Asian. My husband's last name is obviously Chinese. But in person, I'm asked if they're everything from Filipino to Polynesian to Native American (no, no, and no, thanks for playing). Most of the time we use the moniker we started to describe our wedding: "Chino Latino" -- like the cuisine made trendy in the '90s. If that gets a blank stare, I occasionally add: "Well, I'm Colombian-Jamaican-Irish-Spanish, and my husband is ethnically Chinese but from Vietnam, so the kids are all of that." One time, my husband literally drew a big pie chart: "See!"

But even a pie chart can't answer the question of what our kids will "feel." We can tell them what they "are" in terms of a family tree, national origins, and languages spoken, but we aren't sure how their surroundings or how their upbringings will make them identify. Will they always feel keenly aware of being the "only" person like them in a room? Will they feel like an "other" -- and not fit in with dominant or even a particular segment of minority culture? Or will they, like me, not even realize they're minorities until they're in college?

All we can do is continue to live in diverse neighborhoods, teach our kids about our personal histories, explain to them why we eat so much rice, and hope that being "other" never makes them feel less than anyone else.

Original DC Metro Moms Blog post.

Sandie (occasionally) blogs about motherhood, movies, marriage and more at Urban Mama.

Comments

[Kia]

I bet your kids are all totally gorgeous because of their heritage and I hope they grow up to feel that way.

[Jen]

I feel the same way - I am filipino but get asked about my ethnicity all the time. Some even question if I am filipino (like I don't know who I am?!?!). My husband is of english/irish descent.

We live in NoVa & thankfully my kids go to schools that are diverse. Although according to their school records they are considered 'unspecified' based on the county's definition. So far they have not experienced any scrutiny about their skin color or looking different from classmates/neighbors/friends. But I worry about when that time comes because I remember being the only asian in elementary school.

I love seeing kids of mixed race -- my kids are not alone and gives me hope that categories will become obsolete.

[Mary Kate]

I can relate to a lot of your concerns in your post. My husband is Mexican (born in Mexico) and my heritage is Irish - with a dash of Scottish (born in the U.S.). We live in a diverse area (suburb of NYC) so we have encountered quite a few couples/families in similar situations and it doesn't feel abnormal. Every once in a while a news article, blog post or an encounter with an uneducated person will remind me that not everyone would categorize us as a 'typical' American family.

[Kimberly]

I love this post.

I grew up being as white as white can be (Irish & German) but really felt no connection to my heritage. What do we get? St. Patrick's Day? Hmpt.

I remember wanting to convert to Judaism so I could have more to hold on to. I wanted the food and the holidays and common bond that many other ethnicities share. My request didn't go over well in our all too Catholic family but that's another story entirely.

I always felt bland and boring and like I was missing out. "Why couldn't I have been born somewhere else!", I would say. I wanted to be able to check the "other" box but, alas, I never could. I guess I had "other" envy, you could say.

What a blessing to have all of those cultures to share with your family. Congrats again on your new addition!

[Grace]

I'm Filipino and my husband in Puerto-Rican/Mexican, so my kids are a definite minority here in Arizona. Thankfully, just a few houses down is a family with kids that are Filipino-Irish so my kids have someone to relate to.

[Veronica]

Thanks for this. Despite my husband & I being 100% Mexican-American, we do get asked the "What are you question"...a lot. And yes, my husband has had to defend his lineage to someone who swore he was Filipino. Crazy stuff!!

[Gunfighter]

When my mother-in-law to be asked the inevitable black/white pre-marriage question "what about the children? they won't know what they are" I looked her in the face and said "they'll be human". She didn't like that answer. When she specified nationality, I said "American", which I think is better than African, Irish, French, Scottish, English(on my side), and German.

[Thien-Kim]

I know how you feel. My husband is African-American and I'm Vietnamese-American. We both grew up in Louisiana where racism is can still run rampant. I was asked where I was from all the time. (My mom's womb, dummy!) Or how about what country I was from? That one's classic.

I thought living in a more diverse area would be different. I've been asked things like "Is she (my 2 yo daugher) yours?" or "What's her daddy?" How about being mistaken for a nanny? Oh yeah. We call our mixed daughter "Blackinese" not PC but makes us laugh about the situation.

[DC Nicole]

I love this post!

I'm a mutt and nobody ever 'knows what I am'.

It's actually, later in life, pretty fun-
and your kids are going to be awesome with such cool parents :)

[yasmin]

I'm half cauasian/half Vietnamese. And I get questions from both sides of the spectrum. My Asian family don't know how to describe me other than "the mixed child" but I've come to appreciate both sides of my heritage. My husband is completely Asian, and as a result...my children look very Asian...but like you Sandie...I get a little upset when we can only check the "Asian" box, because I feel as if they are ignoring one side of their heritage. It sounds silly, but it's true.

[KC]

My husband (Caucasian) was recently grocery shopping with our daughter (half-Chinese) and a woman stopped to compliment him on what a beautiful child. She then went on to applaud him for "doing such a good thing" and that her son had also adopted a child.

I hope that my daughter will deal with far less ignorance and bigotry that I had to deal with while growing up - but the fact remains that she looks part-Asian and thus will deal with some. I can't protect her from that.

I do worry, too, about how she will define herself and how her identity will be shaped by being not one or the other.