Gatekeeper Moms

You all know that I am a parent, and that being a dad is very, VERY important to me.  I want to talk about parenting today in a way that I haven't really spoken about it before.

You see, I love being a father, and I believe that as important as mothers are, fathers are equally important.  Oh, I know that most or all of you believe that, too, and I am heartily glad of it.... but once we get past that lovely sentiment, we run hard against a real societal evils... yes, evil, and I'm NOT being dramatic here.  Worse than running up against an evil... is encountering evil that is created on our own hearts and minds.

You see, despite the rhetoric of most Americans, we still cling, desperately, to sexist gender roles. 

With all of the great dads that are all over the blogosphere at places like The BlogFathers, Mitch McDad, African-American Dad, and all the dads over at AllTop,  We see fathers doing the best they can to be good, participatory parents.  We see fathers as Girls Scout leaders, diaper changers, cooks for their kids,

etc.... we see dads engaging in the full spectrum of parenting/child-rearing.  My friends, this is a beautiful thing.  Never before in the history of our society, have fathers been more involved in the lives of their children.

The problem is that our work as fathers isn't done.  There are barriers.  Oh, I am not talking about the barriers erected by workplace expectations, or barriers erected by travel.  I'm talking about barriers erected by our wives.  The mothers of our children.

Ladies, how many of you have ever caught yourself being resentful about not having had a shower on this day or that, or that your husband doesn't do enough with the kids?  I am certain that it is a terribly frustrating, and real problem... having said that, I must go on to ask you, how much of that have you brought on yourself by blocking your husband's access to your.... HIS children?

Have you ever seen your husband do something with the kids that is at odds with YOUR day to day activities with them?  Have you ever interceded by saying "We don't do it like that"? or worse, interrupting with a curt "here, I'LL do it"? Have you ever made comments that might make him feel that he doesn't know what he is doing when it comes to even feeding his children?  Have you ever treated your man or talked to him like he was a dummy because he doesn't parent exactly the same way as you?  If so, you might be a "Gatekeeper"

A Gatekeeper.

Gatekeepers want their husbands/partners to do more... but they want it done THEIR way.  Gatekeepers want their husbands to be good dads, which in their minds means be another mom.  Gatekeepers often bemoan their plight as mothers, while tut-tutting men as being unfit to parent... aside from being financially and emotionally supportive. 

Sound familiar?  Some of you may know people like this.

Lest you think that this behavior only happens in the home, think again.  I'll wager that most of the parents who read this have either experienced or seen or even perpetrated the following:  Ignoring the lone dad at the play group; the school secretary that talks to a dad like he is an idiot when he asks a question; the mothers who offer to "help" a man when he has a baby with him; the pediatrician who asks if she should write down the medication instructs "for mommy, you know?"  You've seen these things, haven't you?  I know you have.

For you dads that are out there, keep doing the right things... it'll pay off.  Your children will be better for it.  Your sons will learn how to be dads & husbands from your example, and your daughters will learn what to expect from a husband.  For you moms, you keep on doing what you are doing, too... unless, of course, you are a Gatekeeper, too.  If you are, get with the program and realize that just because your man doesn't do it your way, it isn't necessarily wrong.  Your family will be better of for it.

This article is cross-posted at Real Dads, and Gunfighter: A Modern Warrior's Life

Comments

[MamaBird/SurelyYouNest]

Love this post - I often have to check myself and remember: Even if he were home with them full time, he'd do things differently - his own way - and that is GOOD for our kids. Just last weekend, when he had my 5yo strip off her socks and shoes to wade around in Rock Creek Park (!ewwww!) I actually just laughed my head off and said, "It's a good thing you have 2 parents." And then ran the other direction with my infuriated 15 month old who was SO NOT going into that pharma-water running right past a sewage pipe.

[Nancy]

Hmm, I'm not sure I'd say this is a mom vs. dad or woman vs. man issue. In fact, in my household my husband is more likely to point out that I'm not feeding, bathing, or otherwise interacting with the kids the way he might prefer. I think it really comes down to different parenting styles -- and yes, we need to always respect that there's not just one right way of doing things. But I don't believe that just because I'm a woman and a mom I would give my husband (or any man, for that matter) a hard time about the parenting decisions he makes.

[MommyTwinGirls/Linda D]

Sadly, I've seen this as well, especially parents who have infants. I have a few friends who simply did not trust their husbands to take care of their kids alone...still don't. I was ill after we delivered our twins and my husband stepped in to take care of our infants from the beginning. He taught me how to swaddle and change our girls' diapers. He doesn't hesitate and I know he knows what he's doing. I knew he would be a good father. I feel sad that many other moms don't feel like they could put all of their trust in their partners. It makes the whole parenting thing so much easier - as a real partnership.

[Michele]

I definitely know that this happens, although not so much in my house. We both work full time and we have twin toddlers, so pretty much any help we can give each other is appreciated.

But I do agree with Nancy that this is also not necesssarily a man/woman issue. We all have certain ways we like things done, and some of us are better at certain things than others. Does that make me the Gatekeeper of how the laundry gets folded, and my husband the gatekeeper of how the extension cords get wrapped up? Oh well, then Gatekeepers we are.

[Enoch Choi]

you have to wonder how they became gatekeepers, as moms are often the ones more with the kids so they'll follow mom's gatekeeping more than dads. I see stay-at-home dads as gatekeepers in homes where they primarily take care of the kids. I agree that moms could be more sensitive to our efforts, but i believe that most often they've become gatekeepers because they've EARNED it by more time and effort with the kids.

[Rox]

What kills me is all of the gatekeepers who refer to their husbands as "babysitting" their kids. I pay a teenager to babysit; when my husband does it, it's called parenting!

[Nicole/wksocmom]

Great post. I know I become the "mean one" sometimes, stopping the fun and making everyone quiet down and go to bed. or eat healthy, or no go to starbucks :) But I totally appreciate the roughhousing cuz I bruise easily. And I remember my husband complaining way more than me about all the advice and help thrust upon him when he was out with the kids. My pet peeve is when dad's get so much credit for doing more than other men, or their own dad's, even if they are only doing a little bit.

[Amy@UWM]

Although we don't like to admit it, almost every mom has some "Gatekeeper" in her. Yet like the other commenters, I can also point to many things my husband is quick to criticize about my mothering. We're all still trying to figure out this relatively new "shared parenting" dynamic. There's not a simple solution. But I completely agree with the other commenters that as we strive to reach beyond traditional gender roles and map out a new course for both moms and dads, we should not deny the biological strengths and weaknesses and natural interests of men and women and each person as individuals.

[Lawyer Mama]

You know, I see a lot of couples who have this dynamic going on but I can honestly say that T and I don't. We worked all of that out the first few months after Hollis was born when both of us were afraid we'd break him. Now, we're truly co-parents. The kids are just as likely to run to Daddy as they are to me when they have a boo boo. I don't parent over his shoulder & he doesn't parent over mine.

I honestly think this happened: (1) T stayed in the hospital with me and was forced to care for Hollis after I had a c-section (he can swaddle like no one's business); and (2) because T *expected* to have just as much say and just as much responsibility. He grew up on a farm and, from the time he was 3 or so, he spent most of every day with his father. Despite the fact that his mom was master of the house and his dad master of the farm, his parents shared parenting equally. We truly believe the best thing we can do for our sons is to let them see that dynamic in our family as well.

I have to admit though, society really does throw up road blocks. T is constantly praised in public for "babysitting" the kids whenever he has them out by himself. And Hollis's pre-school teacher will call for me and then tell Trey she'll call back if I'm not there. Because, you know, he's a guy who can't possibly get it right.

[Backpacking Dad]

There aren't any Gatekeepers. That's a fiction.

Oh. Wait. My wife says that there are.

Sorry about that. I accidentally had an opinion there for a second.

*********************

I'm just kidding, by the way. I'm the one who has Gatekeeperish tendencies in our house, and I have had to CHECK my CRAP at THE DOOR because I've let it get out of hand sometimes.

So I disagree that this is an issue for moms to worry about; this is an issue for the At-Home parent to worry about.

And dude, how did you not realize that? Was all the Dadblogging love there insincere? Do you actually not read them? Read the forums? We at-home dads have exactly the same problems.

Maybe you got caught up in the gener roles yourself a bit.

[Nicole/wksocmom]

Those are great points, LM. My dad did as much if not more than my mom, even though she could definitely become supermom when called upon. I think that's why I get frustrated when people praise my husband for doing SO much compared to his own dad. It's really great of course, how much he does, but I hold him up to a higher standard than his own dad. And my brother worked nights so he could stay home with his kids, and was the co-op parent at preschool. So my husbands pretty screwed :)

[Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central]

Guilty as charged! I've worked really hard on not being the Gatekeeper in our house (I'm the SAHM). But, it's difficult because I'm with them so much that I have gotten to know what works with them and what they do and don't like, etc. Still I try not to control his time with the kids and know that they have to get used to him and his ways and that it is good for them if he's different. As long as we are consistent on the discipline and routines so they feel a sense of security.

[Gunfighter]

I'm glad to see the direction of this conversation... most of you have opinions that are similar to mine. Let me take a moment to speak to a few points that some of you made:

Nancy/Michele,

I'm not setting this up as a man v. woman issue, specifically... I am only telling it from where I see it. I am certainly not letting any dads off the hook for the stupid crap that we do when we get critical. I'll be the first to raise my hand and say "guilty as charged" when it comes to this.

Enoch,

I don't think I can buy that that the Gatekeeper (mom in this instance) earned the privilege.

Nicole,

I think that men get "credit" for doing even a tenth of what they should do is because my/our generation is the first generation of fathers that are participating in their small children's lives as much as we do. I'm not saying it's valid, but I think that it is a vestige of the sexist behaviors and expectations that we cling to.

LM,

I don't know if you were reading my old blog when I posted this: http://gunfightersview.blogspot.com/2007/04/i-am-not-babysitter.html, last year. It addresses "babysitting".

BPD,

I don't agree that this is only an issue for the "at home" parent, there can be gatekeepers in families where both parents work.

I certainly DO agree that dads can be gatekeepers, to... but those men are the exception, rather than the rule. Although I already know that the at-home-dad is a growing demographic.

[Tina]

I am guilty as charged. There are times that I get frustrated because my husband does not things the way I would do or handle them. Then I just go and do it myself, because I am annoyed.... and wish that he was doing it right or better or the way I WANT it to be done.

Gunfighter, you are absolutely right. I am a Gatekeeper. oh my....

I think my husband and I are going to have a little chat tonight.

Excellent post

[mama speak]

I have a friend who you just described to a T. The irony is that IMO (and my husband's) we think Daddy is actually a "better" (more consistent) parent. Their 3YO has all kinds of discipline issues; when mom's around. She went on a business trip and the kid was the best behaved he's ever been. AND he ate all his meals (something he won't do when mom's around; because she plays short order cook w/him.) This friend of mine has complained about how busy she is & how little he can do to help since day one. She always wonders why I'm so lucky to have a husband/daddy I can trust/rely on. My comment to her has always been that Daddy will do exactly what's expected of him. My husband did not have a great "hands-on" example, but I did, so I just expected he would do all the things I would cause we’re both parents right?
When the girls have each hit about age 2 they went through this "I want Mommy only" phase, so bedtime has become an alternate thing; one night mommy does it, next night daddy. It also works the same w/household chores. That way our girls find out that not everyone does things the same, but that's ok. The only thing I play "gatekeeper" on is house cleaning (I secretly believe my husband does a half-arce job so I'll quit asking him to do it). I'm about to be a SAHM and he commented that he'd "like a turn"; I told him when he could keep the house picked up we could talk about it. I know the girls would be fine, just the house would be trashed.

[David]

Gatekeeper is a great term. I see this a lot with my neighbors and friends. I'm a divorced single dad, so I'm my own gatekeeper now. My kids' mom and I do things differently in our separate homes, and somehow our kids are thriving. Dad's can totally participate their own way, without negative results.

btw - I'm now contributing to the Silicon Valley Moms blog, so the male voice will be heard more around here.

Great post, Jim!

[The Exception]

One of the challenges I have faced as a parent is learning to let go and not have to be the one in control; that things don't have to be done my way. My daughter, now 8, is going to get something from each parenting style, and she will benefit from that.