Stay At Home Moms: Here's How to Ensure that those "Daycare Kids" Never Come to Your Parties!

My 3 year old, Hollis, has just been invited to his first pre-school birthday party.  Everyone in his class was invited and, apparently, was talking about it in school, because it's at a local place with those big inflatable bouncy slides - toddler heaven.  Assuming it was on Saturday or Sunday, I told him we could go and called the mom to RSVP last night. 

K's mom seemed a bit surprised to hear from me, but I assumed it was because I was RSVP'ing a little late, since Hollis was sick last week and just got the invitation on Tuesday.  After I got off of the phone, I looked at the invitation more closely only to notice that the party is from 4-5pm on Thursday.  Thursday?  WTF?

I've written before about how uncomfortable I've felt at my perceived judgment from the stay-at-home moms in Hollis's pre-school.  They all know each other, get together for coffee regularly, and attend all the class parties.  (For the record, I've tried to attend as many as I can.)  Up until now I've assumed that this judgment was just my perception and not necessarily a reality.  But now I'm questioning whether we were ever really meant to attend this party in the first place.

The rule in Hollis's pre-school is that all classmates must be invited to class birthday parties, unless the invitations are distributed privately and only to a select few.  Hollis is one of the few kids in the 12 child class with two parents who work full time.  The party is clearly during working hours.  What sort of conclusion should I draw here?

It could be that a week day was simply the only time K's mom could get the venue she wanted for the party and she wanted to avoid moving it into the evening hours.  Maybe they have another family and friends party planned for the weekend.  But somehow I'm thinking that another weekend would have worked just fine for a 4 year old's birthday party.

When I told T, my husband, that the party was on a Thursday during the work day and not on Saturday as we had assumed, he was puzzled as well.  Then he said he would take off early from work and bring Hollis to the party.  T said, "It will be fun for just me and Hollis to go. Plus, I can't wait to see the reaction from the moms when I walk in!"

This? Is why I love my husband so.

This post originally appeared on D.C. Metro Moms Blog. Steph also writes about life as a working mom at her personal blog, Lawyer Mama, and about politics at MOMocrats.

Comments

[Nancy]

Oooh, I hate that.

There's a mom in my neighborhood like this -- she thinks it's inappropriate for moms to work outside of the home (and by the way gave me "a pass" because I have insurance issues otherwise). She holds her son's birthday parties at our neighborhood playground, at lunchtime during the middle of the week. She told a mutual friend and neighbor that this way she could keep the invitee list smaller by only inviting the SAHMs and their kids.

[Caitlin]

I don't think it's necessarily a SAHM vs working mom thing, since my 3 year old has been invited to a few parties in that time slot on a weekday. In my social group, I'm the only mom whose preschooler isn't in daycare/preschool. I think it has more to do with scheduling and pricing issues or just plain old thoughtlessness than an "us vs them" type thing.

My working mom friends do it all the time to me, out of thoughtlessness. Most of their social outings start at 6pm, even though they know I'm rarely "off duty" before 6:30-7:30pm (when my husband gets home). Aside from one woman, I think none of it is meant to convey judgment, just what' most convenient for the group.

[Robyn]

I have never been to a weekday party for a child. Never.

I would have felt exactly the same way. You may be able to chalk it up to thoughtlessness. But I don't think that lessens the sting of being excluded.

Kudos to your hubby for stepping in. But you know all they will give him props for taking time out of his busy day to be there. :)

[De in D.C.]

I wonder about the scheduling at these places that cater towards kids parties. My son just got invited to a friend's party at 2pm on a Monday afternoon at a "bouncy place." I know both of the friend's parents work (she works from home 3 days/week though), so Mon afternoon is an odd time. I just figured it was a scheduling issue, and was glad to have a grandmother who's happy to drive the kidlett out after school.

We've only had at-home parties, so I've never had to deal with making reservations at a party place (the blessing of a summer birthday - set up the wading pool and sprinkler and call it a water party!).

[Linda]

Now wait a minutes..I seriously would not jump to conclusions on this. I tend to have weekday parties for many reasons. This year our party is on a Friday for my son. And last year it was a Thursday and the before...also a weekday. I never even thought about it as a way to run off the working moms. Here is why I chose weekdays:

1. To cut down on the shear number of spouses/older siblings that often come along and then we have to feed, too.
2. It is much easier to find a venue on a weekday and cheaper.
3. Weekday parties make the tone more low key and low stress for me.
4. There are actually several kids we invited whose moms work and their daytime caregivers are bringing them to play since it's a birthday party at a playground.
5. Weekdays are easier for me and since I'm the one planning it, that's what I choose to do.

Also, to Caitlin's point since it's my the kid's party, the mom probably did what makes sense to her schedule. To be honest, I hate weekend parties because they tend to cut into the only time I have when our whole family can be together 'as a family.' So I REALLY pick and choose what we go to as a result. Often I decline the weekend ones out of just wanting to keep it simple for me and the family. Because I like weekends to be MY time.

I had one mom come up to me yesterday at school and said she works until 4 everyday and was excited to have an excuse to take off a little early to spend it at the party. Maybe she was lying. :-)

[Lawyer Mama]

I kind of figured my take on this would be controversial. (-; It may be simple thoughtlessness. If so, everybody's thinking about it now, aren't they?

If it wasn't thoughtlessness, it was just mean. Not to me (I could care less. I have plenty of friends.), but to my son. There are 2 working moms in a class of 12 kids. All of whom were at school today talking about K's party that they were going to that afternoon. How would you feel if *your* kid were the only one that couldn't go? How would your child feel? Yeah, that would suck, wouldn't it?

I'm all for scheduling parties whenever it works best for you. But if that's the case, then don't send invitations to school and expect me to not be a little peeved about it. If it had been possible for me to hide the existence of the party, great. But it wasn't because everyone got the invites at school.

And yes, I'd love to take time off early for stuff like this. I do it whenever I can for Hollis's school. But I can't do it anytime I want. Luckily, my husband could and wanted to.

Frankly, it would never occur to me to have a party in the middle of the afternoon on a week day because, even if I were at home, my husband wouldn't be. Nor would one half of many of the couples we know. We never have parties where just "the moms" come over. If we're friends with one, we're usually friends with both parents.

[Veronica]

haha! I love your hubby too. Sounds like he'd get along with mine.

I know the prices are cheaper in the week and during the day, but still, I think it's thoughtless to schedule a party where you know kids with parents who work 9-5 jobs would be invited. Esp since kids do talk (which is why I never tell my daughter about a party until the weekend) about things to each other.

[Jill Asher]

Your Hubby sounds like a gem.
As a part time working mom (that is, part time working out of the home, part time working at home)... hey, doesn't that make me a full time Mom?

I have found a compromise that has worked for us. I have had Friday evening (that is, early friday evening) parties... so my friends that were working could make it, and my SAHM friends could make it. I have found that as the kids get older, planning a weekend party is tough.

Seriously, this is a no win situation. I have missed many weekday parties and weekend parties. I have found invitations MONTHS after the party happened.

[Sue]

I have found that many of these kid party venues have a big discount for mid-week parties. Even still, I would never have one then because it would be hard for WOH parents. And I used to be one, so maybe that's what makes me think first? On occassion, we have had a weekday party, but it is after dinner, cake for dessert. That way everyone (including my hub who is a WOH parent!) can be there. (And I agree, your hub is a gem!)

[Susan]

I'm reading these comments, and I'm expecting to see "ha ha, just joking". You're upset over a weekday party because 1) you would suffer an inconvenience to take your son to it or 2) you would have to watch your son suffer because you wouldn't be able to take him to it? What I read is this: it's all about you, your inconvenience, your son and your schedule --even though it's NOT your party and you're not the one hosting. I don't get it.

I PURPOSELY throw weekday b-day parties because 1) I'm the one hosting (doing all the legwork, writing out the checks) and it's MY child's party and 2) logistically, it just works for me -- and since I'm the one throwing it, then it should be about me, my schedule, any inconvenience to me. As mentioned by "Linda", weekday parties help cut down on the guest list. My daughter has 20+ children in her preschool class. I'm not putting together dozens more goodie bags for our little guests' siblings -- and yes, I've been to enough parties where there weren't enough of those nice goodie bags for the siblings and the unhappy scenes that always followed. And on a sidenote, how do you RSVP? "Yes, S is more than happy to attend, but please be aware that her sister M will also be attending, and she's only a year older, therefore if she doesn't get a goodie bag, she'll be crushed...." If you expect moms AND dads to attend, I'm assuming you also expect the siblings to come, too.

I'd rather not have both parents come to my child's b-day party. Not b/c I have anything against family parties or socializing in general. This is MY child's party thrown for HER, not for me to socialize with her friends' parents.

Often we do get invites which are scheduled during inconvenient times and/or inconvenient days of the week. However, I can't expect the world to adjust to my daughter's nap schedule, for instance, or my own calendar. Does it not mean anything at all to you that your son was sent an invite -- aside it being an inconvenience? If your child can't go, he simply can't go. I'm sure that in his future there will be lots of invites he'll never receive or to which he'll have to RSVP no. That's life.

[Lawyer Mama]

Woah, Susan. Someone's taking this post awfully personally.

In case you didn't read the post closely - my son is THREE, not 12. We make our birthday parties family events with close friends and their children. And hell yes, it's an opportunity to socialize. If you want a weekday party at Chucky Cheese for the SAHM's and their kids, good for you. Just do it privately. Don't send invites to school.

Three year olds just don't understand things the way you and I do. They just don't.

Personally, I'd rather rip my nails out one by one than have a completely child oriented party. Our backyard BBQ's work just fine. And they cost a lot less. Well, unless you factor in the cost of the adult beverages!

[LA]

I have to agree with Susan. You expect everyone to schedule parties at times that work for you?? When I'm having a party, I schedule it at a day/time that makes sense for me and my family. When we're inviting lots of kids, I can't possibly pick a day when all of them can attend anyways.
That said, around here (California) a lot of people work and it is fairly unusual to have a weekday birthday party. So I would be a little suprised to receive one. But I certainly wouldn't expect someone to schedule their party around my needs.
I also have to say that these school rules (that require that parents invite the entire class) seem ridiculous to me. I certainly wouldn't invite most of the class and leave out 1 or 2 kids. But I don't see why I should be required to invite every kid. My kids have learned that sometimes they're invited and sometimes they're not. They get invited to more than enough parties and certainly don't need to attend one for every kid in their class.

[Lawyer Mama]

Um, yeah, LA. That's what I said. Everyone must schedule parties at a time that's convenient for ME.

It had nothing to do at all with hurting my 3 year old's feelings by being excluded from the first pre-school birthday party he's ever been invited too. And was super excited about.

Yep, it was allll about ME!
{/sarcasm}

I'm sensing a lot of defensiveness here....

[Puzzled]

Two working moms out of a class of 12 kids? Unless the moms in your class are all "ladies who lunch" all day, every day, that sounds like a part-time preschool (vs. a 9-to-5 daycare). Two f/t working parents at a part-time preschool are the exception to the rule -- just because parents who work full-time generally need full-time care.

If you are flexible enough to make part-time preschool work, the occasional weekday party shouldn't be that much of an issue (as it clearly wasn't, since your husband can go). I fail to understand how you made one family's party into something that's all about you and your work situation.

[LA]

Lawyer Mama - Sorry - you may not have meant to sound this way, but to my reading (and to some others too), the post WAS all about you. Your son was invited to the party. He wasn't left out. The problem was that the party wasn't convenient for YOUR schedule.
I do agree that your husband sounds like a great guy.

[LA]

And by the way, my husband and I both work very full time. So a weekday party wouldn't be very convenient for us either, and we certainly wouldn't schedule one ourselves. But once in a while we have been invited to one.

[joannaas]

As a full time mom with 3 kids, I have been through this a number of times, and my biggest advice: develop a thick skin. They probably weren't trying to exclude you, that was a by-product of doing what worked best for them, and you were not a strong consideration. I remember how hurt I felt when the neighborhood playgroup was arranged for 10am on Wednesdays, and the mothers didn't want nannies, only moms. I took it personally. But I have learned that it really is about other people's convenience, and although my kids have definitely been excluded from things, it gets much easier as they get older. And even easier when you stop caring so much, something that is hard to do.

[yogagalsue]

Wow, I've got to agree with Susan's comments above. Lawyer Mama, I thought you were joking at first when I read this. The host family is going to pick a date and time that works best for them. I think weekday parties are great - some weekends can turn into running the birthday party "circuit" and that really cuts in to family time. Why not have the kids get together with during the week and celebrate? I hardly think this was a SAHM conspiring against you....

Glad your hubbie can pitch in so your son can attend the party!

[Jess Trevelyan]

Wow, fascinating post and even more fascinating comments! I agree with a PP, I was a SAHM, now a WAHM, and I never would have thought to have a weekday party just cause a)then the kid's father would have to take off from work, and b)then my friends who WOH couldn't come! I was astonished to see one of your early commenters who did this strategically to weed out her guest list.

[e.d.]

I agree. Weekday parties are exclusive - plain and simple.

[nicole]

were losers who hardly ever have parties (actually the families at school just keep their parties small) but I did find it a bit wired when my employee invited me to her kids bday at 1pm on a wed. Her day off but I work full time.

[TechSavvyMama]

It is too bad that birthday parties have to be so exclusive. We've just entered the realm of preschool birthdays and so far, they have all been on weekends and included the toddler brother. Family birthday parties have been a great way to meet other parents in our daughter's preschool and have a chance to talk outside pickup and dropoff. Come this summer the toddler will turn 2 with a backyard BBQ, kiddie pool, fun for the whole family, a whole lot of drinks for the parents! The birthday party will be more of an excuse for me to socialize with friends and their kids while eating cake!

[Aunt Amy]

I have to agree with Susan.

When scheduling a birthday party you have to with what works best for the majority of the people, and most importantly the host's own schedule. I've had to decline many birthday party invites for my two daughters. They know that sometimes the occasion just doesn't work for our schedule, but it's the thought of being invited that counts--and yes, even my three-year-old knows this.

Similarly, has anyone here considered that some families don't like to have parties on Sundays (or whatever day they consider holy) for religious purposes and Saturday's, being the catch-up day for both WAHM's and SAHM's and Dad's of all types, are often just not an option.

[Michelle]

I really can't believe that your reaction to a child's weekday party is to assume that the mom did this TO EXCLUDE KIDS OF WORKING MOMS! Honestly, it sounds a little paranoid and crazy to me. As other posters have pointed out, there are many reasons a parent might schedule a weekday party and I really, really doubt this mom did this to "exclude" your child. In fact, why would anyone even assume that a child of a working parent could NEVER make it to a weekday event? At weekday parties and events that my daughter has been invited to through the years, there have always been children of working parents there. There are many options:

1. A nanny or babysitter can take the child.
2. A grandparent or relative can take the child.
3. Another parent of a classmate can take the child.
4. A parent can leave work a bit early to take the child. (The party was at 4:00, not noon!)

And even though you say you wish the party was done "privately", i.e. invitations not handed out in class, if most of the class were invited, the kids would still be talking about it at school - they are 3, you can't stop this! I think it was nicer to include everyone, and despite your feeling of exclusion, this mom did include everyone.

[Jennifer]

I'm astonished, like many PP's, that you think someone else scheduling their own child's birthday party was at best thoughtless and at worst mean?

Are you kidding me? You are now at the point where kids' birthday parties are about them. Not the parents. Certainly not the kids' friends' parents. These aren't your friends. They're your kid's friends.

And yes I will continue to have weekday parties because they suit my family's schedule. My working friends will either (a) take a bit of time off to come; (b) have the nanny bring the child; (c) ask me to bring the child or (d) have another friend bring the child. There are lots of ways around this.

Just my $.02 - and really, you mustn't take kids' parties so personally - if you do, you'll never last through elementary school...