Thanks Juno...Dammit

The movie was stellar. My butchered rendition of the birds and the bees, not so much.

There we were in the movie theater parking lot and tears were welling up in her eyes. The friend that my 12 year old planned to meet there texted at the last minute and canceled out. What could I do? I said to hell with the list of errands I had planned to take care of during the 91 minute flick and offered myself as a sub.

I'll go with you, if you want.
Umm, okay.
I'm your best friend anyway. (That was a joke. I said it to make her laugh and it worked.)

The movie of choice was Juno and although I've heard good things, I had no idea what it was about. The movie started off with a girl taking off her underwear. Not kidding.

Opening scene: girl takes off panties and mounts boy in fuzzy armchair.

After giving myself the Heimlich on the chair in front of me to remove popcorn that lodged itself in my esophagus, I stage-whispered to my virgin daughter,

Are you serious? You took me to see a porno?

The movie was quite compelling, actually. Heartwarming, hilarious, witty and real enough to sting anyone who is or has a daughter. I cried until I thought my head would break open because I was trying so hard sniffle silently. And holy shit, was it funny. But the compelling part was what threw me for a mother loop.

After watching a movie with your almost 13 year old daughter about a 16 year old who has sex and ends up pregnant, you are quite compelled. Compelled to explain the gazillion and one reasons why this is not a good idea. Why it's never as cool as it looks in the movies and why most girls don't wind up happily ever after strumming their guitar post teenage pregnancy. Compelled to explain the birds and the bees and condoms and birth control and AIDS. Compelled to take thee to a nunnery!

Damn you, Juno! I was not prepared for this last night. I was the stammering, sweating idiot driving home on I-66 who made no sense as I verbally worked my way through the sea of sexual activity with my horrified daughter. Why couldn't it have been like when I was a kid and I spied my cat having sex in the back yard? It all made perfect sense that way.

Oh God...I probably scarred her for life. And all I was trying to do was be a good mom.