Chicago Moms Blog

What Happened to the Girl I Married? by Michael Miller: A Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Club

Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers' monthly book club is tackling a subject today that can become heated. What DO stay-at-home-moms do all day?? We are a diverse group here on Silicon Valley Moms Group - we are SAHMs, working moms, WAHMs, moms somewhere in between. We ALL have different perspectives and we're sharing them today as we discuss what this guy, this dad, a Silicon Valley executive, learned when he walked a year in his SAHM wife's shoes. 

Join in as Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers discuss the book What Happened to the Girl I Married? by Michael Miller.

• Silicon Valley Moms Blog's Jessica leads us off with a confession
• Julie from Just Precious toasts another 111 years of understanding, love, trust and family
• Sophia from Moody Mommy says she's NOT the girl he married
• Cynthia from Cynthia718 announces that the woman you married has left the building
• Bonnie from Just Peachy Baby loved the payback!
• Stacy from The Fabulous Miss S wants her husband to take another dude's word for it
• Erica from wellthoughtoutspot thinks about a parent's identity: segmentation or fragmentation?
• Nicole from Not Just a Working Mom and her husband don't really fit into a parenting category
• Silicon Valley Diva from Blog on the Wall turns the tables and asks what happened to the (french) guy she married?
• Melanie from Tales from the Crib thinks her husband will be getting a crash course on staying home with kids when she heads to BlogHer next week
• Bonggamom from Finding Bonggamom will also be leaving her husband next week to live her life...sort of...while she's at BlogHer
• Jennifer from Connect with your Teens asks: did marriage and kids change you?
• Amy from Le ShallowGal took the Seal/Heidi Klum angle on this book
• Rox from Rox and Roll muses on adaptability
• Chefdruck from Chefdruck Musings re-establishes a balance of power
• Laughing at Chaos from Never a Dull Moment says "OH, I'll tell ya what happened to the girl he married"
• Musings from Me from Musings from Me bristled at Mr. Fix It
• Linsey from Me Too You has never-ever-ending laundry
• Heidi from Coast 2 Coast Mom advises you to man-up and find yourself already
• Teresa from Elebelly thinks she may be at the point where she is ready to take care of herself, so she can take care of others
• Robin from My Life As It Is says I'm right here, you're right here
  
• Lori Landau declared The Girl You Married is a Woman 

More posts will be put up throughout the day on our writer's personal sites, so be sure to check back to follow along.

.... and if you have a post up on YOUR personal site on this topic, please leave a comment here and we will add your link!

About the book - read a description here.

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Testimony by Anita Shreve
  
• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross

Wired Kids

As I sit and type here in my laptop, I noticed my 2 year old is as busy watching a video on my iPhone lulling her to nap. I guess just like my husband and I, all 3 kids are quite adept when it comes to technology. But whose kids aren’t so technologically or virtually inclined now-a-days anyway? Are other families really that different from us? I mean our society is so infused with technology and I can’t imagine that this isn’t simply the case.

My kids took on the laptop mouse / mouse touch pad faster and better than they did with potty training. My 9 yr.old son uses Office documents with ease and saves his work on a memory stick for school, and my 6 year old can manage to install a cd game by following prompts. They also happen to know how valuable it is for us to have wifi when we were traveling recently.

What Happened to the Girl I Married?: Join us for Silicon Valley Moms Group's next Book Club on Friday, July 17th

Let's face it - sometimes a couple's relationship changes once they have kids. Join us Friday, July 17th as we discuss the book What Happened to the Girl I Married by Michael Miller and talk about what we think happened for our next book club.

About What Happened to the Girl I Married (from the author's website): In What Happened to the Girl I Married?, Miller steps out of his corporate executive job and into his wife’s uncomfortable shoes at home. With no staff or administrative assistants to support him, Miller’s “ah hah moments” begin on day one and become more profound with each step down the path. Through his journey, Miller offers a new found appreciation for the tireless efforts of stay-at-home mothers and clues as to why women might lose themselves in the job. For the men they married, Miller lets them connect with his evolution through humor, man-isms and motivations for change that are hard to resist.

In his journey to enlightenment in What Happened to the Girl I Married?, through both laughter and tears, Miller provides readers with:

• A revealing perspective on the job of a stay-at-home parent and appreciation for it’s unique challenges
  (from a man who never had it)
• Creative imagery and colorful examples to help communicate the job’s complexities and the feelings they can generate that are sometimes hard to put into words
• A non-threatening way for the partner of the stay-at-home parent to examine how their words and actions might be contributing to a loss of self worth and identity
• Ideas for small, manageable changes that can have a big impact on the relationship, and how the stay-at-home parent feels about themselves and their job
• A simple terminology that both partners can use to help get their love affair back on track and keep it that way

What Happened to the Girl I Married? is an honest and enlightening love story that’s funny and thought-provoking throughout. The story’s messages help heal old wounds and offer both partners a language to get back on a loving path together – and stay on it.

Read along with us: Buy your copy of the book today and get ready to discuss with us on Friday, July 17th. See you at book club!

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Testimony by Anita Shreve
  
• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross

Read along with us: Buy your copy of the book today and get ready to discuss with us on Friday, July 17th. See you at book club!

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Testimony by Anita Shreve
  
• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross

Gender Identity Divides A Family

"You are setting him up to fail" was the last thing I heard before my throat began to tighten and my eyes flooded with tears. How could my own family say such things to me? "I will not listen to you!" sputtered out of my mouth as I frantically searched for the button to drop the call. Did that just happen? 

Heavy sobs rippled through me as I heard their final words ring through my head. Earlier in the conversation I shared that I was searching for a transgender play group for my child who has known for almost two years that he is a girl inside. Just recently he began wearing his dresses outside of the house and mentioning his loneliness for friends who felt the same way as he did. I assured him that I would find a play group and felt confident this was a positive step in supporting him as he navigated through his feelings.  

Earlier in the day I felt disheartened after a trip to the Center on Halsted (well known for their support of the LGBT community) only resulted in a voice mail message. Instead of everything quickly falling into place as I hoped, I had to be patient and wait. If I thought that the frustration of the delay was bad, the phone call I made looking for some encouragement ended up being the lowest point of my day. 

3 is the New 2

Whoever it was that coined the phrase "terrible twos" committed a huge injustice to parents, in my opinion.  You brace yourself starting with the "I can move independently and thus get into trouble" stage knowing that the naughtiness and whining and exercises of free-will will continue but hopefully peak through that second birthday.  Once you can see that third birthday on the horizon, relief from the tantrums and stubbornness is in sight.  Right?  Not in my house. 

What is the phrase for three?  Is there one?  Can I suggest "Talk-back Threes" or maybe "Throwdown Threes?"  After only three months experience with age three, I would gladly go back to two.  My 3 yr.old son is stubborn, constantly testing the limits, playing Hubby and I against each other.  He is smart enough to know my emotional buttons and is not afraid to push them.  He has the vocabulary of a middle-schooler and never stops talking.  He has very well defined ideas of how he thinks the day should go and what everyone around him should be doing and God-forbid if we should stray.  The whining, the "No, I will NOT do that!", the shaking his finger at me as if I was in need of a lesson or two.  I didn't have to deal with any of this at two.  He has always been a smart kid and fairly whiny at times.  But age three has taken the defiant whining to a whole new level. 

Testimony by Anita Shreve: A Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Club

This month, for Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers' monthly book club, we read a novel that many of us, as mothers, found tough to read. But probably every mother should read it. And their teenagers too - especially their teenagers.

Join in as Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers discuss the book Testimony by Anita Shreve.

• DC Metro Moms Blog's Amy G. leads us off with hoping she has done enough
• Wife and Mommy from Wife and Mommy thinks of all the moments she knew her life would never be the same
• Jennifer from Connect with your Teens discusses the ramifications and repercussions of teenage drinking
• Melanie from Tales from the Crib forecasts the future
• Bonggamom from Finding Bonggamom remembers temptation
• The Fabulous Miss S from Fabulous Miss S screamed in her head "No! Don't do it!"
• Silicon Valley Diva from Blog on the Wall shudders when she thinks back to her teenage years
• Kim from Passion & Art says no one asks to be raped
• Chefdruck from Chefdruck Musings gives her own testimony
• Jessica from It's My Life thinks about when the best isn't the best after all
• Robin from Who's the Boss gives her testimony
• Gayle from Everyday I Write the Book reviews Testimony
• Christina from The Carpool Reader goes through the evolution of a marriage
• Linsey from Me Too You is glad she got caught

More posts will be put up throughout the day on our writer's personal sites, so be sure to check back to follow along.

.... and if you have a post up on YOUR personal site on this topic, please leave a comment here and we will add your link!

About the book - from the publisher Hachette Book Group:

At a New England boarding school, a sex scandal is about to break. Even more shocking than the sexual acts themselves is the fact that they were caught on videotape. A Pandora's box of revelations, the tape triggers a chorus of voices--those of the men, women, teenagers, and parents involved in the scandal--that details the ways in which lives can be derailed or destroyed in one foolish moment.

Writing with a pace and intensity surpassing even her own greatest work, Anita Shreve delivers in TESTIMONY a gripping emotional drama with the impact of a thriller. No one more compellingly explores the dark impulses that sway the lives of seeming innocents, the needs and fears that drive ordinary men and women into intolerable dilemmas, and the ways in which our best intentions can lead to our worst transgressions.

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross

Beyond the usual of being a mom...

Four years ago, on June 27th, I got "the call"--the one you dread as an adult, the one you wish you'd never get. My dad was dying and the doctors had told our family members to gather everyone around.

My older son was 8 weeks old, only home for 6 weeks after his 2 week NICU stint. I had just gotten over hanging out by a hospital bed feeling helpless...or so I thought. We scrambled, got a flight to SF and 24 hours after we arrived and my dad met his first grandchild, he passed...on my parents 37th wedding anniversary.

I got "the call" again a week ago from my mom. She, thankfully is ok, but her older sister, the last of the 3 surviving out of 9 children is not. I scrambled, making her flight reservations, contacting the US Consulate in Tijuana because her passport is expired but she has her naturalization papers, drivers license, et al, and trying to ensure her safe passage back to the US as well as trying to determine if and when we could get there from Chicago--expired/lost passports and all.

Messy Houses

This morning I woke up, looked around, and went back to bed.  

My life has officially spung out of control.  Every single room in the house is a mess.

It started 16 years ago when the first child was born. I was much more organized back then.  Each night, I picked up the toys, kept on top of the laundry and took leisurely strolls around the neighborhood with the baby.  The hubby took care of the lawn and painted the trim on the house.  Life was bliss.

Baby number two came into the picture two years later.  We had sold our little ranch and purchased a ranch with a basement.  Life settled into a routine with a toddler and a baby.  The toys were still picked up at night and I even organized them into the bins and toy box.  Life was blissful as the hubby laid down sod in our new backyard and I planted flowers in pots.

Twenty three months later, my youngest child was born at home.  I had a four-year-old, a two-year-old and a new baby.  The hubby cleaned up the toys at night and the oldest kiddo helped by putting them away in the toy box.  There were some days and nights that we simply collapsed exhausted on the couch with the toys strewn about us.  Life was blissfully chaotic.

Do You Know Where Your Nanny Is?

It's the first week in June, the kids are almost out of school and the countdown until our beloved babysitter returns home from college begins. So tired from my babysitter blues of the past, I didn't have the strength to have another babysitter work for us while she was gone. The thought of the interviewing process made my skin crawl. Much like the prospect of dating after being married, I couldn't handle the whole acclamation process and feared that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that my kids weren't being cared for while I was away. Our history leaves me with a wary perspective.

Our first nanny experience ended with (my then 3 year old) son telling me that his nanny dropped him off at a strange man's house and left him. Even though my son could recount minute by minute what occurred during his time with the "stinky" stranger, my conscience would not let me live without consulting a forensic child psychologist on the possibility of abuse. Later we found out that she also lost my son in Target. Thankfully the security found him before a predator. Strike one. 

The Buck Stops Here... Always

Motherhood is rewarding...it really is. Those adorable hugs, the big eyes that drip with sweetness as they say something cute, the first time they say "Thank You" without prodding,... Having two boys that are three years and 9months, I know there are many more rewarding moments to come. But, for every one perfect moment where all your hard mothering work seems worth the struggle, there are dozens of hard moments that cause us to question our purpose and skill and ask if our children will one day need therapy because of us (maybe I'm the only one who asks that question).

Through the process of figuring out the balance of parenting over the last three years, one thing has become painfully clear: the buck always stops here.

I am not saying I don't have help.  I certainly do at times.  After he recovered from initial "new-daddy-shock" and started to feel more comfortable in his role, hubby is very helpful and willing to step in whenever needed. And I always get some breaks when I am visiting my parents. But even during those times, it comes back to choice. Others have it, mothers do not. I am making some gross generalizations here that obviously do not apply in all cases. But, this has been my experience so far and it seems to be the experience of many other mothers too.