I was the first one amongst my close knit of girlfriends that got pregnant. Although they were excited for me, I was torn between feeling special and feeling left out all of the sudden. All I could talk about was my pregnancy. All I really wanted to talk about was how I felt, what I’m eating, my next test, ultrasound, etc. I felt a discord amongst our girlfriend bond. They looked bored, and I'm not fun anymore. Breastfeeding, diaper changes, were so far in sight and in mind for them. Now in hindsight, I can see why they were so bored.As soon as I had the baby they were there to welcome my newborn. They came bearing gifts and well wishes. Truthfully, I just wanted them to be there and talk to me. I was an emotional wreck who questioned every decision I made. I didn’t feel that I was equipped to be a good mother. I felt sorry for my child and it felt wrong to tell my husband. It was certainly not something I would’ve shared with my own mother since I couldn’t swallow being judged.
Baby blues pounced on my tired body and mind. In my lowest of lows I decided to call one of my really good friends whom I haven’t spoke to in weeks since baby was born. She was giggling as she answered the phone and then there were sudden hushes. I realized that my girlfriends were out having dinner, and a tinge of jealousy, hurt, and then anger passed through me. Couldn’t they have called and invited me? I mean, I am still the same person aren’t I?