Chicago Moms Blog

The best parenting advice I've heard

As a mom, parenting advice starts as soon as you announce you are expecting or when your baby belly starts to show.

At first, it's about pregnancy; sleep on the left-hand side to help blood flow, never take steaming baths, drink lots of water, no luncheon meat.  Later the advice zeros in on delivery; don't take an epidural, take an epidural, make sure your toes are painted before you go into labor (I really agree with this one, by the way).

Then your little one is finally here and advice runs rapid in your house for weeks; never sleep the baby on her tummy, breast is best, use cloth diapers, how to find the best price for Similac. 

And the advice soaks in because we don't have a clue how to take care of this baby entrusted to us.

How to give equal attention to my kids?

I worry that I am not paying equal attention to my kids.  This is something I struggle with in parenting my daughters.  Our situation is a bit more involved as two of our children have special needs therefore they require more hours in therapy and more doctors visits and more patience.  If I were to glance at this topic I would conclude that my kids with Down syndrome require more love too but with more thought I realize quickly that it's not that they require more love, just more attention. In addition, our fourth daughter is coming to us through international adoption, so I anticipate her needs being greater especially at first as she acclimates to our home and us to her.

Hence my dilemma.

Attention can be an issue for any family.  You hear about the token 'middle child' feeling like they get the parent's seconds or about a random kid who pretends to pack his bags and move (usually these little ones only make it out to the yard).  Sometimes the older child feels that the 'baby' gets more love.

The grieving mother

I hesitated to write this post because I have not lost a child.  I have experienced some heartbreak and it's forced me to realize this layer of life that is most always missed day to day if one is not touched by it; the layer of loss.  This post is not written from a position of knowledge nor of teaching.  It is simply a few paragraphs about a topic as wide and deep as the Atlantic ocean.

I caught a glimpse of what it would be like to grieve the loss of a child three years ago when my third daughter was diagnosed at birth with Down syndrome.  My expectations popped like a giant red balloon with her karyotype.  I cried and cried over the child I thought I was going to have. The child and life I thought I was entitled to. 

After gnawing away at my bone of grief, one day I realized I still had my child. 

With time my grief was replaced with cuddles and laughter, cutting teeth, sitting up unassisted, and hair getting long enough to put into pig tales.  My grief was replaced with life.  And I am thankful for my daughter and that I get to be her mom.

My straight A daughter got a C in Science

My daughter brought home her report card the other day from school.  Walking into the house with her father and younger sister, she immediately told them to be quiet, that she wanted to tell me the news herself.

The same scenario had played out a few days before.  She was thrilled to tell me she made the cut in the all school spelling bee.

This time, the news wasn't as good in her mind.  She looked down at her feet and gulped.  Her shirt was wet from sweat.

"I got a C on my report card in Science."

Unexpected Mothering

When I was little I loved to play house just like most girls I know, like my kids play now in their Rose Petal Cottage.  Babies were fed with bottles (my mother didn't nurse so no pretend nursing for me), I changed them, burped them, put them to bed.  I spent time watching women in my life care for their young and then I copied what they did. 

If someone were to tell me that in adulthood I would eventually be a mother to four daughters, three biologically, two with special needs, one internationally adopted, I would have laughed.  If I were told this information in my early years of marriage I would have cried.  

Mothering, even in the most usual circumstances, is unexpected.  Regardless of the number of pregnancy books we read, Lamaze classes, getting the first car seat safely and correctly installed at the local fire station, no one is ever really prepared to be a mother.  It's the best kept secret; the frenzied, hollow, weak first few months with a newborn.  The whole 'heart walking outside of your body' cliche that, when pondered, can bring any mother to tears.  Otherwise, who in her right mind would want to have children?

The Power of No

With my first child I handled her telling me no like this.

"You may not tell Mommy no!"

She was two years old, saying no came naturally and often and I believed that being a good mother meant not taking any talking back from here.  At. All.

My theory was that children should obey their parents in all things.  Therefore my child could not tell me no for anything even if what I was asking at the time was ridiculous.  And we all do it, right?  Make our kids do ridiculous things every now and then, just because we are powerful enough to do it or because it is the way we think we should handle things or because it was easiest to do at the time. 

As my two older daughters grew up a bit more I stumbled across a book entitled, Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  Upon reading it I learned a different perspective on the word 'no.'

The power of no.

Spread the Word to End the Word

What do you think of when you hear "the R-word?"  Probably right now most Americans would think recession.  Today, specifically, there is a call to think about another R-word that is popular in our society.  A word that is demeaning, offensive and rude. 

Retard.

The campaign is  Spread the Word to End the Word. 

Birthed by a group of young adults, some with intellectual challenges and some without, Spread the Word to End the Word has more than 700 activities and events are happening all over America today. 

We gave up TV for Lent and now we are bored.

This year our family decided to give up television for Lent.  That's forty-six days of no TV.  46! 

I am glad we observe Lent.  So many years, Easter has caught us off guard.  Quickly, we'd hop into pastel flowery dresses and run off to church, having spent the bulk of our morning looking for our Easter baskets.  I'm all for chocolate bunnies and white brimmed hats but for the past three years Lent has helped our family to focus on the real meaning of Easter; to prepare for it, to anticipate the celebration, to ponder the meaning of it.

We explained Lent again to the kids this year and asked if they'd like to participate.  They were game.  And their suggestion was to give up TV.

I was leery of the decision as soon as it was made.  After all, I faithfully watched The Bachelor all season only to miss the finale (by the way, I was filled in and agree with the masses...totally lame to break up with someone on national TV.)  My kids are typically allotted an hour of television a day and we are a Friday night movie kind of family. 

Healthy Mom, Healthy Kids

I have three daughters, well, almost four.  And the older they get the more I realize my inherit role in molding their self -images. 

It scares me to death.

When I was a little girl I looked up to women whom I thought beautiful.  I noticed legs and faces, bright red lipstick, breasts.  Hollywood beauty left me in awe.  I keenly sensed early on the difference between women I saw in magazines or movies and women I came into contact with in real life. 

It confused me because the women I saw everyday; my mother, teachers, friends of the family, were beautiful to me too but it wasn't talked about.  My mom had pretty long black hair.  She used to let me brush it and put it up into a pony.  Her hair was smooth and strong.  And she was comfortable to lay on while watching television.

Making holiday traditions without selling your soul to Martha Stewart

There is a little part of me that dreads this time of year.

It's a busy time.  Presents to be bought, battles to be fought with my husband over the budget for said presents, Christmas dresses salvaged from the basement that hopefully fit for one more year but need laundering and pressing for the kids, holiday school celebrations, church Christmas pot-lucks, home decorating, the list is never-ending.

And I do realize that for many of us we are down to the wire.  Christmas is practically here!  The holiday season is almost over!  Just think of this as a pep talk for next year.

Many years I've gotten overwhelmed and ended up unhappy with my inability to accomplish even a third of what I think I should.  I see my failure in little faces after an angry outbreak while having 'fun' making homemade Christmas cookies.