Chicago Moms Blog

Three Years

Although my little man is five years old (and full of mischief) he has only been in our family for three years, as we adopted him from Arkhangelsk, Russia in July of 2005. He had just turned two, just learned how to walk, and according to the orphanage director, just learned how to smile. After our first visit he learned that there was finally something to be happy for.

We recently had our three year and final post placement report with our social worker and it was completely anti-climactic. I expected it to be a big event and bring some sort of closure to AJ's adoption.

It didn't.

Instead, it was more of a check-up on him and our home. But what it did do was allow me to reminisce about our trip to Russia to celebrate his adoption and bring him home. Our trip was not necessarily a vacation but it was certainly an adventure.

Convenience at What Cost?

I'm goin' out on a whim here by saying that I am totally against this product and all it stands for...convenience in baby feeding? Everything that I have stood for since adopting my first son has been attachment, because every adopted parent HAS to focus on attachment. Do biological parents just not worry about it?

Do they worry more about convenience and accomplishing tasks, getting housework completed and surfing the internet, answering the phone and socializing? Personally, all of those things fell by the wayside when AJ entered our lives. In fact, our social life diminished and we learned who our true friends really were...the ones who called back when I didn't answer the phone.

The Best Christmas Gift Ever, a Son

My week has been an absolute whirlwind and not from the holiday festivities. My husband and I got to meet our son for the first time on Wednesday.

We were told in September that the Guatemalan adoption we had been counting on would probably not happen because of the Hague Treaty so we signed up for domestic as well. About three weeks ago we were told that it was definitely not going to happen (luckily we had already let our hearts accept this so it did not come as a shock).

However, when our social worker called us on Friday and told us she had a newborn for us and asked if we wanted to meet him we knew it was the right thing. Within hours we had a flight and hotel room booked but knew nothing about our son except that he was a newborn, that he was a boy, and that he could be our son.

Grief is Ugly

Grief is ugly no matter how you try to disguise it. It is sorrowful, angry, violent, and just downright ugly.

AJ has finally started to grieve and it is hurting all of us, rightly so. Adoption is hard and no one should ever, ever, ever say that is isn't. It is not the easy way out. It is certainly not the way to go to "avoid" that pregnancy body. For us adoption was the only choice we had if we wanted a family because we could not conceive naturally or medically. We could not even conceive with donors or with a surrogate (and believe me...people asked).

And yes, we grieved. We still do because we missed out on a lot. Family and friends don't welcome an

Doppelganger

While waiting for the ladies' room recently, I started talking to another woman in line. As these things happen, it turns out that she also has adopted twins. Come to our table and meet everyone, she encouraged. Grandma, Grandpa, Dad, Mom, adorable four-year-old twins and their new baby brother, also adopted, were enjoying a (loud) sushi dinner.

We chatted a bit. Her twins also have had language delays and they are very attached to each other."The first eight months were hellish," she told me, "How about you?" "The second decade seems to be going more smoothly than the first," I mused.

On the drive home, I thought about that family. That's what MY life was supposed to be. Intact marriage, a third child, perhaps a girl, after the twins. A nice family outing now and then. We were warned about developmental delays; I expected a few rough months with the boys.

On the glossy pages of the adoption agency are photos of families like this one. There is no mention of dealing with the local police, DCFS, special educators and therapists.

Two days later, I made a late-night drive with one of the boys to the psychiatric hospital. Without even looking in the rearview mirror, I could feel the usual tight grimace of resigned determination. But inside my head, a voice was screaming, "I did not sign on for this!" Pediatric psych wards are not in adoption promotional literature either.

What did I expect? That woman in the restaurant! I anticipated her life for myself.

Can I Recall MY Child Now?

Disruptions and dissolutions happen in the adoption community but they usually happen within days or weeks, not after SIX years. I am certainly not "recalling" my child (see title of the post) but Dutch Diplomat Poeteray is in the process of dissolving the adoption with his daughter (who has no citizenship in Hong Kong or the Netherlands ) six years after adopting her from Korea.

Raymond and Meta Poeteray handed their daughter, Jade, over to social workers in Hong Kong saying the adoption had not worked out. In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf (and the BBC News), Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was “very sick,” and suffers from a “severe form of fear of emotional attachment.”

The Breast and the Adopted Child

I admit that I know nothing about breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I have never been and never will be pregnant. Paper pregnant yes...but to be biologically pregnant is not in our cards.

So, I had to do some clinical research to bring you this information.

What I found in my research is that there are two basic issues in breastfeeding an adopted child; getting milk to come in and getting the child to latch, basically what every mother contends with, right?

But, because nursing an adopted child is more about bonding and attachment than nutritional support (in my opinion at least) does it really matter how much milk comes in when there are supplements that can aid a nursing mother?    

Quest

This past summer, friends of ours took their biological daughter, their ten-year-old adopted daughter and one Chinese-speaking grandmother on a trip to China. They brought gifts to their daughter's orphanage and met with the young woman who had found the abandoned baby who is now their daughter. I could only marvel. "How was it?" I asked. "Very emotional and very rewarding."

Suddenly the media is rife with stories of families who track down the birthmothers of their international adopted children in Russia or China. The jury is still out on this trend. Both our agency and the Russian government frown upon this practice, unless there has been a drastic reversal in the past decade.

When we got the boys, I was philosophical. If they ask about their birth family as or want to contact them when they are adults, I will not discourage it, I thought. But things are certainly more complex than that. Do children feel attachment to a culture and country that could not provide a stable home environment? Are they interested in visiting the orphanage where they spent endless hours lying unattended in cribs? What circumstances caused their birthmother to give them up?

A Russian Christmas

Last year my mother proposed something in lieu of stocking stuffers; a charity. And she told my husband and me to pick the first charity to donate to. Because our hearts had so recently been in Russia and seen how much AJ's orphanage needed help we decided to donate the money to the Regional Baby Home in Arkhangelsk, Russia.

When we visited the Baby Home it was obvious to us that the orphanage was in need of repair but that they did everything they could to keep it up.  We watched the maintenance man walk through the play room hundreds of times each day.

Playing with My Heart

I hate the adoption process game but I have no choice in the matter if I want to have children. It was either live a life without children...or adopt. You have all read about our first son.

We have yet to meet our second...and now thanks to the Guatemalan Government we may never.

We entered into our first adoption process "head over heals" excited and proceeded to get all of our paperwork completed in just under four months. When I think back to those months I remember being upset because time was moving so slowly.