I Have "Walking Money" Do You? Should You?

Do you trust your husband?  I do. Completely.  However, there was a time, not so long ago, when Gadget Man and I were using the "D" word.    It was an awful time in my life.  At one point, Gadget Man left the house after telling me he was going to divorce me, "the next day." I talked to my father about it.  "He's leaving me.  I'm sure of it."  I cried.  Thinking like the attorney he is, his first response was, "Go to the bank first thing in the morning and clean out the account."  "I won't do that, and I don't need to."  I replied.  I didn't want to do that, because I didn't want to go on that mean-spirited road.  I still loved him and I didn't want to hurt him.  Also, I didn't have to go to the bank because I have a pretty large sum of money in a separate account in my name only.  It is not enough to survive on for a year, but it is enough to pay the bills for many months.  Through a recent Parenting Magazine article, I found out this money is called, "walking money".

I believe that every woman should have "walking money" whether they have ever contemplated divorce or not.  This way, you will be protected  if you are ever sandbagged with a divorce.   More important, having one's own money also enables you to "walk" away from a bad marriage where otherwise you may feel financially stuck.  Do divorce attorneys advise cleaning out the bank account without the spouse's knowledge?  I don't know for sure.  I've never practiced divorce law, and my father has only drafted amicable divorce agreements.  If this is the typical divorce attorney advice, it would explain why three husbands I used to know and used to respect  surreptitiously cleaned out their joint bank accounts before asking their wives for a divorce. 

Two of these husbands were from my mother's generation.  I had known these men almost all my life because they were my parents' good friends.  One husband, a university professor, fell in love with his research assistant while his wife was battling breast cancer.  When his wife was finally out of danger, he told her he wanted a divorce and that he was moving out that very evening.  Unbeknown to her, he had already cleaned out the joint bank account, leaving her no means to pay the mortgage to keep a roof over her head or food on her table.  Another husband didn't even have the decency to tell his wife he wanted a divorce.  He simply cleaned out the account, packed a bag, and left to live in the country of his birth (a country he hadn't lived in since he was a teenager!).  She found out where he was when their college-aged son was forced to break the news that, "Dad left you." 

Since these two husbands left their wives and cleaned them out long before I got married, I felt a bit wiser than the average bride.  Unfortunately, it is also a pretty cynical way to be too. I knew that even the best of marriages could turn sour.  I knew that it was possible for a spouse to never see it coming.  When I sold my condo to buy a house with my husband, I kept some of the earnings in my name in my own account.  Periodically, Gadget Man would ask about the money.  Passively, I acted like I just hadn't gotten around to transferring the funds to our joint account.  Finally, our financial adviser put the screws to me.  I had to have an honest talk with Gadget Man.  I explained that I had been putting off transferring the money because I felt like I needed to feel safe.  He knew about my parents' friends and what these husbands did to their wives.  He also knew about one of my friends, who was currently going through a divorce.  When they were discussing their troubled marriage over the course of a few months, this husband promised over and over again that he would take care of his wife and children, no matter what.  Well, guess what?  He went back on that promise and cleaned out the account before announcing he was seeking a divorce.  This guy was even more clandestine.  He had taken out numerous credit cards in his wife's name alone without her knowledge and had run up the balance.  Not only was she left poor, she was left in terrible debt!  (Another reason to check your own credit every six months. Smart Money website also recommends making sure some credit cards stay in your name, among other suggestions. ). 

Armed with all of this knowledge, Gadget Man said he understood why I wanted the separate account and that I could keep it. "We'll call it your 'hell money.'  In case I put you through hell someday."  After this completely honest conversation, I loved Gadget Man more than ever!    He understood my fears and didn't take them personally.  He understood that having this money to myself made me feel safe.  The article in Parenting Magazine recommends that wives saving this "hell" or "walking" money be upfront with their husbands.  I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do.  For me and Gadget Man, it was the right thing to come clean about my money.  However, if we had had a similar discussion too early in the marriage, he probably would have been insulted that I would even have a fear that he would leave me penniless. But our marriage has been through really tough periods, and I think perhaps he can imagine hating me that much.  I'm not sure.   I still don't believe he would be so deceitful, and I hope I never have to find out.

This post is original to Chicago Moms Blog.  Sophia Leto also rants and raves (mostly rants) as Moody Mommy at www.moodymommy.wordpress.com