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February 23, 2008

The Old Woman Who Lived In A Designer Shoe

ShoeThere are definitely moments when fear briefly flashes through my mind at the thought of having four children. Mostly this happens when I am utterly overwhelmed with the three I have here now. Also not being able to leave the house in, like, weeks (with or without the kids) probably has something to do with it. I’ve diagnosed myself with cabin fever as probably everyone else in this area have done. A foot of snow the other day was pretty, but all the more confining. I forgot what month it was, longing for Christmas again. Even watched a Christmas episode of 90210 on the Soap Network. And it didn’t seem strange to me (the fact I was watching 90210 and/or the Soap Network and admitting it here- yes. The fact that it was a Christmas episode in February- just made sense at the time.) Which brings me to the next issue with being stuck in the house. It might not be so bad if there were something decent to watch on TV during the day. There is not one E! True Hollywood Story I haven’t seen twice now. I am not bragging.

I’ve tried reading a book here & there, but it’s not the same with constant interruptions- trips to the kitchen for snacks, water, scooping Teddy Grahams out of the fish bowl- you know, the usual. At least with TV you can pause it or fix a Star Wars Lego piece for the seventeenth time during the commercial break. But even books and TV aren’t replacements for the outside world. I miss it.

I know that spring is just around the corner and soon I can have the windows open and go for a walk and the kids can play outside. But it’s just not tangible right now. And it makes me think I’ll never get out of here. I’ll never escape. I am the old woman that lives in the shoe. With Gray getting older and more independent, I was thismuchcloser to some form of freedom. And now I’m going to have another baby. And start it all over. Gulp. The fear flashes again.

But then I breathe. And think about my two older boys going to school all day starting this fall. It will just be Gray, the baby, & me. We can form a routine if we want, or not & enjoy the freedom of doing whatever, whenever, from 8:30am-3:30pm. I imagine much of that time will be snuggling a newborn. And learning about the next character in the cast of this family. And watching Gray teach his new sibling great big brother things. Like all the secret places he’s hidden crayons and markers throughout the house, and how he thinks the fish likes chocolate chip granola bars, too.

Someday (I’m told this will happen sooner than I know) I’ll be all alone in this house. Whether it’s when all my children are in elementary school and middle school, or off to college, or living on their own. I’m certain that I will enjoy the silence. I will love the quiet. But I’ll long for my babies. I’ll maybe even wish I’d had one or two more. And I’ll be so happy that I had my four.

I’ve always loved shoes. It can’t be so bad to live in one a little while longer.

Cross-posted at Close To Home.

Stephanie also blogs from her shoe at Adventures In Babywearing.

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