The 50-Something Birthday Blues

My mind has been in a dark place the last few days.

At first, I thought it was the fact that I had family visiting and had to drop what I was planning to do so I could clean the house. But the venomous thoughts I had while I went through the paces was out of proportion to the onerous task, no matter how much I hate housework.

The fact that we've had triple-digit temperatures for days could be the source of my bad feelings. As each year passes, I seem to be less heat-tolerant. This is not a good thing for someone living in California's sunny (and hot) San Fernando Valley.

Could it be the economy? There are plenty of reasons to get depressed about high prices and lay-offs - but that's not it.

When my sister and her husband and kids arrived at my house bearing gifts, I realized the source of my problem: I'm "celebrating" another birthday this week. And I'm simply not in the mood.

I wasn't exactly thrilled about hitting the big 5-0 two years ago, but I took it in stride. I remember dreading my 30th birthday, only to discover that being in my 30's was fun. And I didn't give 40 a second thought: I had just given birth to my first child and was too blissed out to care. In fact, I think my 40's were the best time of my life.

So why should that end at 50? There's no reason - except that 50 sounds old, and for the first time, feel old.

I tried to put it out of my mind by milking the occasion for all it was worth. I partied with friends who were turning 50 the same year. We took a big vacation in honor of my birthday. And I had the classic guy reaction to a midlife crisis: I traded in my sensible 11-year-old Saturn for a sleek, luxury laden Volvo. (OK, I know an ultra-safe Volvo is not quite the same as the Corvette my hypothetical guy would have bought, but after a lifetime of economy cars, the Volvo is downright decadent.)

All of those tactics helped me get through that first year -- until my next birthday rolled around. It seemed so anticlimactic. Fifty is a big deal. Fifty-one? Not so much. My family and friends (who fussed over me the previous year) dialed it back for 51.

And so now my birthday is rolling around again. I keep waiting to embrace this decade as I did the last two, but all I can't seem to get a a handle on it. I've tried lifestyle changes. I've lost weight. I've become a regular at my local health club. But instead of reclaiming my youth, I am reminded of all that I've lost; how my knees ache when I do squats and lunges and how even one piece of birthday cake will show up on the scale.

That's why I picked out the cake we served at my family celebration. If you only get one slice of cake in a year and it's your birthday, you should have your favorite flavor.

And when I officially turn 52 on Tuesday, I will try to put it back out of my mind.

Original 50-Something Moms Blog post, cross-posted at LA Moms Blog by Donna Schwartz Mills. Read more of her take on crazy Southern California life at her personal blog, SoCal Mom.