Youth still calls to me....

As those of you know who read my last blog post, I turned 50 last month. Quite a milestone. You would think after turning 40 that I would have gradually gotten used to the idea that I'm not a "spring chicken" anymore. But instead of accepting the inevitable, I find that the call of youth remains a siren song for me. I just can't seem to get rid of it's whiny reminders of how I'm not young anymore. And if I don't watch out I'm going to crash against the rocks of my internalized ageism like a love-smitten sailor and spend lots of money trying to "fix" my age. I've already bought every possible age cream known to woman and have tolerated the red splotches on my face (not to mention the skin irritation) that come along with each new attempt to "erase my wrinkles" in order to get my young self back again.

Then there's my body. Sheesh! My metabolism seems to have gone into a coma. I swear I could subsist on lettuce, bread, and water and STILL gain weight! It's a frustrating and demoralizing phase-of-life change to have been the "perfect" weight (of course, I didn't realize it was perfect at the time) before my 40's and then  stare in disbelief as the pounds began creeping up on me like some giant slow-walking centipede. Now I understand why it's called "middle age"--because that's  .

where the pounds start accumulating--in your middle! And my willpower, once a powerful force to be reckoned with that used to get me up at 6:00 a.m. to exercise, seems to have flown it's sorry arse out of the coop never to be seen again. I much prefer now to bask in the laziness that has become as comfortable to me as an old worn sock. I JUST DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE! I WANT TO RELAX! Sighhhh...but, according to Oprah (on yesterday's show, "The Age of Miracles: The New Midlife") you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to do exercise once you hit your 40's. And so...I will. (I WILL!....I WILL!)

I suppose I could blame my self-pity and self-ageism on our youth-crazed culture. But I don't think that's it. I think it has more to do with the fact that I simply miss my younger self. I liked her! She was fun. She was free. She did whatever she wanted to do (she also wasn't a mother yet). She had her whole future in front of her and she knew it. Life was exciting. Yes, I know that I still have my future before me (Oprah says so and therefore I believe it!) and I know that my life can still be exciting. And I've no doubt that it will be someday.... I mean, I just turned 50 last month! I'm still adjusting! These things take time...

I don't feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis, so much as a major life adjustment. You need to get used to the fact that you don't have to primp anymore (but the "youngsters'" clothes--that's what I call anyone under 40 now--look so damn gorgeous!) and that you have your wisdom and experience now to give you that same sense of excitement (yeah....RIGHT!!) you used to feel when you would deck yourself out in all of your sexual glory and strut down the street in your highest of high heels.

But, all is not bleak. There are many things I enjoy about turning 50, the two most important of them being: 1) I don't have to care anymore what men think about me or what I'm wearing, (interestingly, this has translated into not caring what anyone thinks about me or what I do or what I'm wearing or what I say) and, 2) I'm more sure now than I have ever been about what I want to do with my life. No more wondering and feeling like there is something missing in my life. I have my perfect mate, I have my beautiful kids, and I have found my life function--something that I could do for the rest of my life and feel fulfilled. As I continue on this new path of discovering who I am as a 50-something woman, although I may still sometimes try to grasp and hold on to a life that is behind me, I can feel my younger self beginning to fade away as my older self starts to take center stage. I will keep what I learned from her, along with the good memories I share with her, but it is time for me to take the leap and design a newer self--one who is smarter, wiser, calmer (though not always patient), more forgiving, and more loving, especially to myself. So, keep whining sirens, for though my steps may sometimes falter, my course has been set and I am keeping my eyes on the prize: the continuation of my self.

Original 50-something Moms Blog post.
Cheryl also blogs at New Mom Central, SV Moms Blog, and Gemini Crickets Moms Blog

Comments

[Donna]

I have a feeling that your 50-year-old self is just as much fun as your 25-year persona.

I hit that same milestone two years ago, and I'm getting used to it, too. I tell everyone I meet that I'm old, you know. But I do think that today's 50 is NOT as old as it was when our parents were that age (how could it be? It's US now!) I mean, when my mom was 50, she had a 30-year-old daughter (me). My daughter just turned 12. So I can't be that old, right?

Anyway -- happy belated birthday. The best is yet to come. That includes the exercise.

[mamamiacher/http://newmomcentral.blogspot.com]

Hi Donna,

I like your logic. :)

Cheryl

[Cindy La Ferle]

Happy 50th! I agree, the best is yet to come. One of the best things about being in your fifties is that you finally stop worrying (as much) about what other people think, which is very liberating. And as others pointed out here, today's middle age isn't what it used to be, and it's so refreshing to hear other women feeling proud to be honest about their age.