You never forget the times you lose it

My friends and I are trying our bests to be parents of the new millennium. We don’t spank. We know that in other places in the country ongoing debates engender countless letters to the editor about the virtues of spanking or not spanking. We read about them in the piles of parenting magazines in our bathrooms. We, however, don’t spank. We try not to scream at our kids, unless one of them is about to run into traffic. Instead we discipline with time-outs and come up with “appropriate consequences”.

But in spite of our resolve to be modern, rational parents, sometimes we lose it. Maybe it was easier a generation ago, when, if you spanked your kids, you thought you were raising them right. Because when we lose it, the kids may forget in minutes, but we feel guilty for days, weeks, or longer.

One of my friends swatted her three-year-old on the bottom recently. After a long week of time-outs for picking on her younger sister, the three year-old deliberately poked the two-year-old in the eyes. My friend smacked her. She couldn’t have hit her too hard, since, unpracticed at this spanking thing, her

hand struck her own leg first, but she felt as guilty as if she had taken her out to the woodshed and caned her for an hour—guiltier, probably.

Another one of my friends, faced with a daughter who wouldn’t get out of the bathtub and a wedding for which she didn’t want to be late, hauled her kicking daughter bodily out of the tub and wrestled her naked into her car seat. Only the unexpected arrival of her husband kept her from driving down the freeway with a nude child. She didn’t know what else to do, other than miss the wedding, but after it was over she felt very guilty about getting so angry.

Late one night last spring I got a phone call from a friend who had just put her kids to bed but couldn’t sleep herself because she felt so guilty about what she had just done to her daughter. The 6-year-old girl had been balking at homework all week, in particular, writing in the cardboard-covered journal the teacher had given each child. She tried for an hour to get her daughter to write in the journal. Then the child told her mom, “I’ll write ‘I hate my mother.’” Fine, my friend said, just write something. “No, I don’t want to.” So my friend took the journal, tore it in half, and threw it in the garbage. Not only did she immediately feel guilty, but she also had to find a way to explain to her child’s teacher what she had done.

I remember one time that I lost it as if it were yesterday, not nearly a decade ago. The baby was crying, Nadya was pitching a fit about something, Alex was whining, and dinner was burning on the stove. I quite deliberately screamed; not at anyone, but just a scream, as loud as I could. Nadya burst into frightened tears, Alex ran from the room and hid, and I felt guilty for scaring my children.

I also remember quite clearly the first time I lost it with Alex. He was in the bathtub, babbling, singing, and ignoring all my requests to get out and into his pajamas. Every time I tried to get him moving, he sang louder. So I angrily poured a cup of water over his head. Not that I hadn’t dumped water on him before in play, or washing his hair, but this time I was being mean. I knew it, and he knew it. And 13 years later, I still feel guilty.

First published in The Mommy Zone: Tales from the Trenches of Parenthood, by Tekla S. Nee; updated version published on 50-something Moms Blog.

Comments

[Cheryl Wenzel/New Mom Central]

Boy, you hit a nerve, Tekla. I've swatted my son twice in his 3 years, once on his bare leg (for continuously kicking me when I was trying to change a VERY poopy diaper and told him repeatedly to stop) and once on his bottom (for hitting his sister). As you can tell, I have never forgotten those two times and have vowed never to do it again. I have also yelled at my kids.

I find patience to be THE most difficult aspect of parenting (though it runs a close race with sleep deprivation).

Thanks for the post.

[akakarma]

It brings to mind my mother's strategy. She tells us that she deliberately spanked us- with a paddle and very methodically- same chair, 10 swats, over the knee... in order to manage herself. She was afraid of losing control and beating us and hurting us so she came up with that technique. I can't say for sure I'm any worse for it. I do occasionally swat my child on the butt and scream. I think the screaming is worse in a way. I feel awful right away but it is very rare- thank goodness. I do not know any moms that have never lost it- even the patient ones.
Some moms use psychological techniques and I almost think those are worse- more long lasting. Interesting post- thanks.