50-something Moms Blog

What summer is all about

“Mom,” my 10-year-old said to me the other day, “for the first time I know what summer is all about.”

I knew exactly what he meant. And I felt both glad—he should know what summer is all about—and guilty. Did it really have to wait until he was ten—almost eleven?

Well, yeah, actually, it did. Because what he’s talking about is freedom, and hanging out with friends, and playing outside and sometimes losing track of the time and being late for dinner. And until this summer, that option just wasn’t available.

Until this summer, as a mom who works full-time for a salary (there is no good buzzword for any of this. WOHM just doesn’t work for me), I put the kid in camps. I had an amazingly complicated multicolor calendar representing a patched-together summer of sports camps and art camps and drama camps and carpools.

Last summer, I left one week open as an experiment. It was a week during which I had no business travel plans, and he had siblings around to keep an eye on him in case I had meetings; otherwise, I’d be working in my home office. I thought we’d fill it with playdates. It was a disaster; all his friends were fully booked or out of town; he was bored and miserable and spent way too much time on the computer.

This summer, things have changed. For one, he’s going into sixth grade. That means I regularly leave him home alone for bits and pieces of time without worrying that he’ll wreck the house or starve to death. It also means he has a longer leash—he’s now allowed to go to a nearby playground on his own and to go downtown on occasion (during daylight and with a friend; and yes, I know not everyone agrees with this long a leash). (Of course, that usually means a stop on the Apple store where, again, he spends too much time on the computer.)

Significant Other Sleepover, or Not Under My Roof

"We will not be like our parents when we have our own kids." 

How many of you have made that proclamation? Not that we had bad parents, I surely did not. I was raised by a loving, relatively liberal couple who supported most of my hair-brained schemes whole-heartedly – within reason. But there was a level of conservatism in their generation that did not allow for the more open way in which we chose to raise our kids. 

Having spent my formative years in the 60s and 70s, there were lines we did not cross. The words, 'not under my roof' were commonplace and we respected them because they were a given. 

And then we switched rooms at 3:00 in the morning.

What do you Think of the Label Cougar?

I only learned of the term Cougar during the past year. It was mostly likely in a television show or movie in which I first heard it. There was something about the word that turned me the wrong way, but I never gave it that much thought.

Last week I was invited to a special preview screening of the new Michelle Pfeiffer movie, Cheri, about a woman who starts a six year love affair with a 19 year old boy when she is 49. After the movie, there was a panel discussion led by Melissa Silverstein of WomenandHollywood.com. The panelists were Thelma Adams from US Magazine, Linda Franklin from RealCougarWomen.com and Joni Evans from wowOwow.com. The majority of the discussion was about cougars.

First of all, I did not think that the relationship in Cheri was a typical cougar relationship, if there even is such a thing. 19 year old Cheri was looking for a loving mother to replace his overbearing actual mother and Michelle Pfieffer's character, Lea was looking to mother the child she never had. When Cheri called Lea by the nickname he used for her as a child, their relationship almost felt insectual.

Testimony by Anita Shreve: A Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Club

This month, for Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers' monthly book club, we read a novel that many of us, as mothers, found tough to read. But probably every mother should read it. And their teenagers too - especially their teenagers.

Join in as Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers discuss the book Testimony by Anita Shreve.

• DC Metro Moms Blog's Amy G. leads us off with hoping she has done enough
• Wife and Mommy from Wife and Mommy thinks of all the moments she knew her life would never be the same
• Jennifer from Connect with your Teens discusses the ramifications and repercussions of teenage drinking
• Melanie from Tales from the Crib forecasts the future
• Bonggamom from Finding Bonggamom remembers temptation
• The Fabulous Miss S from Fabulous Miss S screamed in her head "No! Don't do it!"
• Silicon Valley Diva from Blog on the Wall shudders when she thinks back to her teenage years
• Kim from Passion & Art says no one asks to be raped
• Chefdruck from Chefdruck Musings gives her own testimony
• Jessica from It's My Life thinks about when the best isn't the best after all
• Robin from Who's the Boss gives her testimony
• Gayle from Everyday I Write the Book reviews Testimony
• Christina from The Carpool Reader goes through the evolution of a marriage
• Linsey from Me Too You is glad she got caught

More posts will be put up throughout the day on our writer's personal sites, so be sure to check back to follow along.

.... and if you have a post up on YOUR personal site on this topic, please leave a comment here and we will add your link!

About the book - from the publisher Hachette Book Group:

At a New England boarding school, a sex scandal is about to break. Even more shocking than the sexual acts themselves is the fact that they were caught on videotape. A Pandora's box of revelations, the tape triggers a chorus of voices--those of the men, women, teenagers, and parents involved in the scandal--that details the ways in which lives can be derailed or destroyed in one foolish moment.

Writing with a pace and intensity surpassing even her own greatest work, Anita Shreve delivers in TESTIMONY a gripping emotional drama with the impact of a thriller. No one more compellingly explores the dark impulses that sway the lives of seeming innocents, the needs and fears that drive ordinary men and women into intolerable dilemmas, and the ways in which our best intentions can lead to our worst transgressions.

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross

Giving Up Isn't Always a Bad Thing

Yesterday, I went into San Francisco to have lunch with my 22-year-old daughter and the person for whom she has fallen head-over-heels. This person is a responsible individual who happens to be a neurologist. Who happens to live in Brazil. Who happens to be quite a bit older than my daughter.

And who happens to be a woman.

When my girl, glowing with elation, told me she had met someone, I could see she was smitten. Then, when she told me her love interest was a woman, I blinked rapidly and then calmly replied, "Oh...so... I mean... would that be...uh, are you... that is to say... uh... gay?" 

This was met with a roll of the eyes and a bemused response, "No, Mom. It's not about being gay or straight or bi. We're in love, and it doesn't matter what gender we are - we've found each other and it's wonderful!"

"So, er, did you, like, before, did you ever...?

"No, Mom," she murmured with the slightly condescending tone you'd use to explain something to a second grader who was a bit slow. "I've never been with a woman before. This is my first time." 

Save Your Praise for the Deserving

As I read the Twitter and Facebook streams last night, an old Shakespearean quote came to mind,

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;

And perhaps I am bending it slightly out of context, but I was struck again and again by people who were all too willing to overlook the facts of who Michael Jackson was in favor of the icon he carefully crafted to distract the world from those facts. The financial deadbeat. The plastic surgery addict. The baby dangler. The accused pedophile.

Perhaps in an era of wide-spread fiscal mismanagement the rumors of his insolvency and creditors at his door do not strike anyone as anything other than normal. And with so many of our middle-aged peers obsessed with hand wringing every ounce of youth from themselves they are willing to transform themselves into freakish wax works, Jackson's self-mutilations pass for the new aging normal. His odd fathering might be chalked up to extreme attachment parenting depending on who is asked. But the elephant in the back of the funeral parlor? His little problem with little boys? Why is that not a bigger issue?

Dear Kate: Welcome to Single Motherhood

So it's official -- Jon and Kate Plus 8 will now be Jon and Kate's 8 Divided by 2. After lawyers and paperwork and arguments and signatures Kate, mother of eight will become Kate, single mother of eight. Her life will forever change in ways she can't even imagine so based on personal experience and that of my single mom friends I thought I'd give her a heads up of what to expect...

• If you think you've cried yourself out, think again. Moments and circumstances will jump up and smack you down. Being a single parent is not for wimps. You'll feel overwhelmed. You'll feel like you're doing everything and good at nothing.
• Your ex-husband will become a party animal. Women will be all over him (still). Single dads are like puppies. Women love to take them in. He will have lots of dates. Women will date him because of the children. Men will not date you for the same reason.

Letting Go - One Mall at a Time

My daughter was particularly excited when I picked her up from school on Wednesday... not least of all because her summer was finally going to start.

"My friends are all going shopping when school gets out on Friday. Can I go too?"

She gave me all the pertinent details: the names of the friends, the parent who would be driving them over to the mall, the parent who would be picking them up and the added information that the mom who is usually the toughest had already given her approval.

She's 13 now; definitely old enough to go to a local shopping center without me hanging around. I didn't see anything wrong with the plan --  in theory. Um, what was the name of that mall again?

"The Americana."

I'd never heard of it.

Aging With Integrity

We made the decision to put my 90-year-old grandmother into a nursing home this month. It was one of the most difficult decisions we have ever made and has me thinking about aging more than ever. I am not obsessed with growing older, but there are times in my life when the inevitability of aging wears heavy on my mind. It isn't that the alternative is appealing either because I have no desire to relive youth, at least not without the wisdom I possess today, but lately I have been thinking about what it means to age gracefully.

I remember when my mother was the age I am today. I thought she was old. When my grandmother was my age—she was ancient; however, when I look at my peers they don't appear to be old to me. On the contrary, I think my friends are more active and in better mental and physical shape than they were years ago. We hold memberships to the health club, or at least have purchased Wii Fit. We buy whole foods, and take a multitude of vitamins and herbs researched to make our lives healthier. On the other hand, we do converse more about individual aches and pains than we did when we were young, though we speak equally of current events, politics, theology and education. We read books about how to keep our bodies and brains active instead of the latest John Grisham novel, but even that is not unusual.

Aging Ungracefully: I don't want to look old!

Just so there is no misunderstanding, I am not complaining about getting older. Mostly because it is much better than the alternative. Also, I enjoy the self-confidence and wisdom that come with age. However, I find that recently it is getting harder and harder to look in a mirror without getting upset.

I remember years ago reading an article or book that said that as women get older, they can stop thinking about their looks, and will then have more time to pursue more varied interests. I don't know if I will ever reach an age when that will happen. Am I overly vain, or is this normal for a woman in her early fifties?

Panty Policing in Florida

The city of Brooksville in Florida recently updated the dress code for city workers to include, among other things, the wearing of underwear and deodorant and prohibiting obscene messages on tee's and provocative undergarments that provide a peep show.

I am all in favor of not seeing thongs leering at me when women bend over or squat down. I saw more ass crack as a high school English teacher than should be considered reasonable in an educational setting. I am still caught off guard, and a bit disgusted, when I run across the mothers of my daughter's peers whose thongs are on display and have visible crack issues when they sit down.

Obscenities on clothing are out of place in most workplaces too though I won't rule it out entirely and can't say I am offended because generally I am too self-absorbed to read people's clothing or body art. Deodorant is just a common courtesy in warm environments or if you are, let's say, a middle-aged woman who bursts into flames without warning as I sometimes do. But underwear?

Pharma-stein

Last night, I was watching network news and, during a flurry of spots for various pharmacological products, I decided to count the number of medication ads for the whole broadcast. The resulting number was a disturbing 16 out of 20. Now, I know the boomers are entering the "golden years" - but this trend is macabre any way you slice it. I picture some media wonk sitting in his office, yakking his head off on the phone to his counterpart at Glaxo Smith Kline, Pfizer or AstraZeneca, "Oh they're all watching the news, and can you imagine? When tell 'em they're in danger of dropping dead, they'll eat this Lipitor® ad with a spoon," he cackles as he puts in a huge buy. Then he makes a similar move for Cialis or Cymbalta. And on. And on.

Sure, some of us suffer from depression, or erectile dysfunction or bladder control problems. But this trend seems to say that ALL of us have the capacity to suffer from ALL of these conditions. How exciting - for a hypochodriac, maybe.

Graduating into a mad world

Last week I attended four graduation ceremonies for three kids (two for the highschooler, the baccalaureate and the commencement; one each for the middle schooler and the elementary schooler). I watched 821 kids cross stages to shake with the right and take with the left. I heard something around 30 speakers, and at least a dozen songs. I learned that middle school administrators and counselors should not give speeches, but elementary school kids can be darned eloquent. I loved the influence of the Pacific Islander community; many graduates, Islander or not, marched down the aisles wearing colorful leis—of flowers, candy, or money—from family and friends. And I got a little teary when our former nanny—who I’d lost touch with several years ago so hadn’t been able to send a grad announcement—showed up anyway at all the graduations with leis in hand, but didn’t recognize my eldest, he’d just changed so much.

The speeches, the songs, and the ceremonies kept coming back to the same theme—these kids, these new graduates, are living in a messed up world that somehow they’re going to have to fix. It’s a heavy message for what is normally a jubilant season, but it is unavoidably in the air. Some kids lost friends to recent suicides; some lost college options to the economy. And they’re all watching their older friends and siblings come home from college and find they can’t get a summer job anywhere, not even at McDonald’s.

Suicide is Not Painless

It has been in the national news, 2 instances of Palo Alto's Gunn H.S. students committing suicide by stepping in front of a speeding train. And then, just a day after the second one, a third kid tries, but is thwarted by his mother and a passing motorist. The police started sending a car to stand guard by the tracks after the last incident. They were there at least until the end of the school year, I'm not sure if they remain.  I think everyone is relieved its summer.

What's going on at Gunn? Everyone is asking. Gunn is a big school and it is very competitive and filled with high achievers. But so are thousands of other high schools in the area and across the country. I have two kids that will be seniors next year, and another one that graduated from Gunn three years ago. For the oldest, his high school story was dominated by athletics, for the ones going now, its all about theatre, performing for one, working backstage for the other. They both have a lot of homework and have to work hard for their grades, but I don't think Gunn is an unusual pressure cooker. And I don't think the 2nd suicide was any kind of copycat of the first, although that third attempt might have been.