50-something Moms Blog

A Trip to Trader Joe's

On a recent trip to Trader Joe’s, it struck me that you could classify the mothers who bring their toddlers to a grocery store into 3 camps:  One – the education/experiential camp (showing and demonstrating as they go)  for some reason these kids usually seem engaged and non-belligerent.  Two - the mothers who don’t seem to quite have things under control, or at least THIS particular morning things were VERY out-of-control.  Their kids are whining, crying or begging and the mothers usually seemed stressed or embarrassed and are placating the kids.  Three – these are the mothers who just wallop their kids if they act up or they let them scream bloody murder and act as if they aren’t bothering anyone in the store.   Sure…..

That day there must have been 12 mothers with toddlers in the store (no they were not together in pre-school formation)  and  each mother could be categorized in my 3 categories (at least it seemed to me).

The Momforce

It's easy to forget that all of us who are lucky enough to take advantage of flex-time, part-time, job-share, and work-from-home might have not had that choice not very long ago.  I was at a little get-together last weekend with a bunch of my old friends from my TV news days and we were trying to remember who the working moms in the newsroom were in the early to mid-80's.  We could only come up with two, and one of them was actually a freelance reporter.  Fast forward to today, when one of those same friends manages an international television news network's operation right from home.  Have Blackberry - will stay put? Sure, sometimes her days can last extra long when she has to talk to people in Beijing, Paris, Dubai and New York, but she can also go pick up her daughter at school every day.

TV News is full of "on-scene" jobs from producing news shows, to dispatching reporters, to anchoring and reporting.  But the number of working families that are part of it now has really multiplied.  A lot of it is due to technology, but it's also a change in attitude.  When I think back to 1988, I had a job-share with another producer, I do remember feeling pretty revolutionary, and so was my male news director who came up with the idea. He changed stations in a couple of years, the new guy who came in in 1991 nixed the plan which eventually led to me quitting, going freelance and then about 5 years later eventually transitioning into Public Relations to get a little more control of my time (I also had 4 kids by this point).

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Puppy Love

I was riding my bicycle yesterday morning...it was a lovely day...the sun was shining...the temperature was about 70 degrees...and as I rode around my neighborhood I took special notice of all the dog walkers and their dogs...that's because my daughter (my daughter who is graduating from college next week and moving back home...back into my house...temporarily...I hope) thinks I should have a dog.  Doesn't every widow (yes, I am a 50-something widow) need a dog to keep her company?

"I'll take care of a puppy," said my daughter, "I'll train it, I'll walk it...and then when I move out you'll have a wonderful companion.  "Hmm," I thought to myself, "do I really need or want a dog...especially a puppy at this point in my life...how will I take care of it...when will I walk it...will I want to get up at 8:00 am on a weekend morning (when I can sleep in) to walk a puppy?"

And as I rode my bike around the neighborhood, I waved at all the dog owners walking their dogs...the big dogs and the little dogs...the fat dogs and the skinny ones...the grown dogs and the puppies...they

Lessons Learned from Eight Belles

It's been 30 years since I saw "The Run for the Roses" for the first time in person. Affirmed was the winner and went on to win The Triple Crown, an honor no other horse has earned since then. A college friend (and fellow SV Mom blogger -- you know who your are...) hopped a ride with two random guys what had advertised for riders in the student center via one of those posters where you tear off the phone number at the bottom of the page. We'd met some boys from Louisville in Daytona Beach during spring break and went off on a road trip adventure to see them again. As it turns out I'd see one of them again a lot as I eventually married him.

Anyway, I digress. Marrying the boy from Louisville meant moving there and more than a decade of Derby Days. It's a great time. The playing of "My Old Kentucky Home" still makes me verklempt. I have many fond memories and saw dozens of thoroughbreds run for the roses, including two fillies -- Genuine Risk and Winning Colors.

Miley is NOT a Role Model - And That's OK

It's been a bad year for our children's TV role models.

First, 16-year-old Nickelodeon star Jamie Lyn Spears (“Zoey 101”) became pregnant. And last week, the media was abuzz that Miley Cyrus, Disney's current golden girl, posed "topless" for famed photographer Annie Leibovitz in Vanity Fair.

Maybe it’s just the fact that I live in Los Angeles and have seen worse, but I thought the photo - a pretty typical Leibovitz portrait depicting the tousle-haired young star on a bed, clad only by a sheet - was only mildly provocative. For one thing, when I hear a woman described as “topless,” I’m thinking full-frontal. A more accurate word to describe her nudity level would be “backless.” A bathing suit reveals more skin. So do most of the dresses worn by stars to awards shows.

Katie Couric on Mean Girls (And Boys) Online

...cross posted from our sister site, New York City Moms Blog.  Written by guest contributor, Katie Couric.

The hullabaloo over Miley Cyrus has died down.  My mom said in her inimitable way that “Vanity Fair should be ashamed of itself.”   I think it’s a shame that the magazine, her parents and her managers didn’t handle it better, and there is  nothing  more  troubling and insidious  than  the premature sexualization of teen stars, and really the oversexualization of just about any woman on TV today.  But that’s for another time.

A lot of Moms I know have been thinking about the dark side of the Internet.  I’m not talking about porn sites and pedophile chat rooms, but the idea that the Internet has become a dumping ground, literally, for cruel comments, ostracization and just generally rude and uncivil behavior.  Are some of these sites playing to our basest instinct, the very worst of human nature?

I’ve always been slightly amazed at the vitriolic nature of some blog postings I’ve read, and the exchanges between those who are not “like minded” to say the least.  But now kids are heading to places where they not only unload on their friends and classmates, but unleash the most scurrilous and cruel critiques--all anonymously.

There’s an honesty box you can opt for on your Facebook page that can be a blank slate for anonymous insults from your “friends.”  Then there’s this Juicycampus.com--a website where college kids post completely anonymous gossip about classmates.  At last count it was available on about 60 campuses already, and there’s no telling how many people have been hurt by the nasty comments. You only have to think of the devastation this can have on fragile, developing psyches.  Malicious gossip and back stabbing are nothing new, but somehow when you see it up there in black and white, it’s really disturbing.

I read that a college junior from Baylor was called “the biggest slut on campus,” students at UC Irvine discussed the “most promiscuous sorority girls” at their school.  The Juicycampus website says it has guidelines about defamation, but do the unfortunate students who’ve seen their names there believe that?

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The joys of childbirth, someday all mothers will share them

Can you remember that moment - your newborn in your arms, the warmed hospital blanket covering you, the wonder and joy of it indescribable - and, all these years later, still enormous?  I've been thinking about those moments all evening – mostly because tonight I saw a bit of a new film called  A Walk to Beautiful that's going to be on PBS in mid-May.

It's about what they call a secret epidemic in the developing world. Young girls are married off or abducted at the age our kids are moving from Brownies to Girl Scouts and getting pregnant in huge numbers - giving birth, often, with no help at all.  Instead of the joyful amazement we knew, they know only suffering and shame. 

Chicken Soup for the injured

Deb, a 50-something friend of mine, fell from a ladder while working on a home-improvement project last month. She needed emergency surgery to repair her shattered knee, and is now recovering at home with a battery of medical equipment.

Deb has a family to care for. She also has a full-time job, which had to be put on hold while her injury heals. Meanwhile, she’s practicing her physical therapy, learning how to use crutches, and trying not to collide with the furniture.

But her biggest challenge has been learning to give up control while she rests on the couch with her leg propped up. It feels strange relying on a cell phone -- “remote control parenting,” she calls it -- to arrange transportation for her teenager with special needs.   

Thank you, Maria Shriver!

Last night I went to a private book signing for Maria Shriver's new book "Just Who Will You Be?." And, boy, was she dazzling. Yes, dazzling. There's just something about her. Maybe it's that magical Kennedy charm that all the members, including extended members, of that clan seem to have. Whatever that "it" energy is, she's got it. (My husband has "it", too. I wish I did. Never have, never will, I'm afraid.)

Ms. Shriver spoke easily and honestly about her personal life. She spoke about the difficulties of transitioning to motherhood after being a career woman, of holding onto her own identity and interests after her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, became elected, and trying to find some quiet time for herself as a mother of 4 children. She is a woman who has "been there and done that" when it comes to meeting the challenges of a 21st Century mother, wife, and  career woman.

She also spoke about her own identity crisis that happened in her 50's (she is 52). She described how she lost her identity once her husband became governor and she became First Lady. She could no longer work as a journalist because of a conflict of interest and, as a result, she had a difficult time defining herself as a person. Boy! Can I relate to this! (ummm...not the part about being a First Lady and having a governor as a hubby....)

When I gave birth to my twins 3 years ago, I went through an identity crisis of my own that lasted ohhhh...3.5 years! After I gave birth the bottom fell out of my plans to become a marriage and family therapist, some friendships fell by the wayside, I had a falling out with some family members, etc.. I felt like a failure. My life not only wasn't working out the way I planned, it seemed to be falling apart right before my eyes. But, after reading  Ms. Shriver's book I realize now that everything had a purpose .

I had never experienced an identity crisis before so I didn't understand that that's what was happening to me. All I knew was that even though I had finally achieved my dream of becoming a mother after ten long years, the rest of my life had been turned upside down. I experienced postpartum depression, I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore, and I had no idea what I was going to do "for the rest of my life." I didn't realize it at the time, but I was in the middle of a personal transformation that would change who I was and what I wanted from my life. 

I have always felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I changed my mind every couple of years, but isn't that the American way? I grew up in the 70's and 80's...I was trying to find myself--yeah, that's it. The reality is that I had no idea what I wanted or who I was. I was just trying to follow along with the script that I had learned growing up--leave high school, get a career, be successful, get married, have children. And I almost achieved it! Until my life went kaplooey! And, on top of everything, I was going through perimenopause_____!!!